thank you ellie, wendy and alanah for encouragement.
Day 3 went well. Friends left early evening. I was feeling a bit glum about having produced and cleared up another meal en seule, bathed dd6 and listened to her read and H to announce that there was football on TV. I felt like stomping up to bed to read (but realised I needed to DFD) so went and sat next to him.
He said he knew we had lots of things to sort out and listed domestic chores, finances, communication. He said he wasn’t expecting to just walk back in and have a party. I asked him if he wanted to go to counselling. He wasn’t enthusiastic but didn’t reject it totally. He asked me if I had read mars and venus and whether I had read the book I had asked him to read in September (DR) he said what he had read of it made sense. I said it was about getting to a point of re-committing to a marriage and didn’t address specific issues after that to which he replied that we had already got to that point. He really does want this relationship to work. Think I will offer him 5 LL.
Thursday he mentioned an insurance policy . I accused him of being naïve about finances if our sep had continued, accusatory about his attitude towards me, how I felt he was prepared to stitch me up financially. Whoops again. I apologised but then carried on regardless. He said again that he had felt forced out of the relationship and he couldn’t stay because I was so angry ALL the TIME. I said surely he could remember a tiny moment when I wasn’t angry which made him laugh.
He said he hadn’t known coming back was an option and asked why I hadn’t asked him to!
He then talked about my attitude to being locked out and how it reminded him of how I used to be angry and full of blame and that he felt I had said he was stupid and thoughtless for locking me out and gave me a list of things I could have done, such as cutting the grass, etc. I really felt all I had said was that I was upset about being locked out because I assumed he knew I hadn’t a key.
I was reading Deborah Tannens ‘You just don’t understand’ yesterday and this type of missunderstanding was clearly illustrated. When GF came back and found me locked out she was sympathetic and apologetic and asked what she could do to help. H was dismissive and defensive. This makes me feel isolated and lonely.
I think counselling would help as we have such poor communication skills and talking is such dangerous territory especially when those metamessages get so confused. I hope it would provide a safe place and an allotted time to talk.
