of course I burst the romantic bubble (only temporarily) when H brought up the subject of birth control which led me directly into a series of questions about what birth control he had used with OW and whether or not he had ever considered HIV/STD which led somehow to my anger about skiing holiday. whoops!
Confessions from H They had talked about children - she wanted them. He had never considered HIV/STD and thought using condoms when she was fertile adequate (in spite of me getting pregnatnt three times via this method) He thought he was going to live happily ever after with her. He lied about shagging her before he left me then apologised for lying. He said he hadn't realised how controlling and manipulative OW was (at least I am only bossy and controlling) and that he didn't think she was entirely blameless. OW is nuts. She moved her live-in bf of 5 years out for H.
H's comment after this exchange was that our R wouldn't work if he was consumed with guilt and I was angry. We then spoke brifly about his letter.
After that it was back to romance as normal. I had a lovely 46th birthday, he took me out for dinner (the first time for 6 years) and he left the following day.
And we continue in loving texts and brief daily phone convos. My best gf thinks I should never mention what has gone before and just work on now. in many ways I think she is rightbut will it really all fade away? I just have to see a pair of skiing goggles to have heart palpitations - even after he has fessed up to miserable week.
Happy belated birthday, Midip. I'm glad it was a good one.
Fascinating to hear about H and OW. I know this has nothing to do with you and DBing but what do you think went wrong with the R with OW? She must have been pretty sure of him. Do you think that you played your cards so well she didn't have a chance? Do you think she messed up? How do you explain it all or do you not really know?
Anyway, it was lovely to get your update. I like what your gf says. It's a good goal even if it proves impossible to stick to 100%. Worth a try--I'd say.
By the 1000th pair of ski goggles the heart palpitations should be a bit weaker. Maybe you should program some desensitization time whereby you deliberately surround yourself with ski goggles (not when your H is around). I bet you'd get pretty tired of reacting to them.
Congratulations again on getting to where you are. I'm sure many of us would like to follow in your footsteps.
Love, Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
The computer is playing up and disconnects from the internet every three minutes, coupled with H being home and not much time to get online.
H arrived Sunday night, we also had three long standing friends staying.
In the first two days I have behaved badly and recklessly.
Monday morning we were sitting in the sun having a late breakfast when very large box was delivered for the attention of H. He said it was personal stuff he had had forwarded from UK. When friends had dispersed he told me it was from OW. He was tearful and said he just wished it would all go away. I then launched into inquisition mode but can’t actually remember what I asked. He reitterated how OW didn’t want him having any contact with his children (despite wanting a baby with him) and that one night when he was speaking to Dd15 on the phone she had stormed out and wouldn’t come back at which point he decided to leave her – she then pursued him across london.
He said the skiing holiday was miserable and he and OW barely spoke and he thought it was going to be easy to end relationship.
He was upset that OW was so angry with him and that he had thought she would understand him leaving her and that he had wanted to make some sort of peace with her – she wasn’t having any of it (I said I didn’t think it was surprising considering she had chucked her BF out and had planned on having a baby ASAP with H)
Later in the day, I found the box opened and at that moment H was out looking for a log to make a sculpture which needs to be installed next Monday. Yes I went through the box . the contents were mainly love tokens, cards and christmas presents (including a calender from his mother with to H and OW ) an extremely expensive sexy baxque, some art books, a paquet of condoms and some clothes. Pukey card read ‘people who knew us then know the legend of our love lives on, it'’ time to show the world how it really is. I am without doubt your woman’ or words to that effect. I also happened upon his wallet and found two passport photos of her, one which I had seen before when she was nineteen and a recent one (I know passport photos can be a little unkind!)
I was troubled not so much by the contents (although the basque indicated to me that he was capable of buy sexy underwear for her which I saw in direct contrast to gifts to me such as the legendary staple gun) but what he was going to do about it and whether or not there had been a letter included and if he was going to respond to her. He didn’t mention it again.
Tuesday morning I woke up very early after bad nights sleep and too much wine on Monday very tearful. H said he hated to see me sad. (so am working on not being sad as well as not being angry which is hard work). I tookGF to airport and arrived home at 1.45 to locked house and I hadn’t taken a key. Mobile phone battery was dead. I then waited 2 and a half hours ASSuming that H knew I hadn’t a key and expecting his return every minute (it was Dd 5s 6th birthday and I needed to make a cake and wrap her presents) Friends reappeared at 4.30 rather shocked to find that I had been locked out and H reappeared 15 minutes later. ‘The box’ at this stage had been moved and largely emptied bar a few old clothes and a couple of DVDs so I was v. curious as to what had happened to the stuff.
I was upset about being locked out and rather accusatory to H about how he must have realised I didn’t have a key. He was defensive (same old pattern) so I apologized to him for being cross and said I knew it wasn’t his fault I was just upset about waiting for so long. (what I really wanted was for him to acknowledge me being upset and show some sympathy but he didn’t so I was more upset about the whole business.
Things were rather strained after that and I did my best to get back onto even keel but H was nervy and at one point raged about D14 being a rude little b@&%£. Other GF told reminded him that she was 14 and it was normal for her to be changeable.
MF, who is a physio gave us both a massage and we went to bed but I was feeling desperate to talk and so asked him if he was okay. He said not really but I pressed him to elaborate. He said he had had a bad day with my being tearful, working on a large piece of wood for 4 hours which he then split, D14 being arsey, tired backache etc I said ‘not upset about the box then’ he said not at all he had just put all the stuff in a bin bag and thrown it in the bin . I asked if there had been a letter and he said yes a very long one which he had started to read but it was so unpleasant that he hadn’t finished it. I said I was upset by box and he said he wasn’t surprised. He compared me to Pandora and asked why I had looked and I said because it was scary and I wanted to confront the fear and how I needed to talk about his R to demystify it. He thinks there is nothing to talk about. It was a big mistake and he is sorry and we should just concerntrate on the good things we have. He’s right. I am winding myself into another frenzy of miserable emotions. I said I needed to understand he then started explaining how losing his eye had changed everything for him and that the pre-accident H no longer existed (funny that he tried to recreate his yuoth with OW. I coninued to badger him for information.
I am very displeased with myself this morning. I have created un-rest instead of sticking to the goal of making him feel loved, worthy, happy etc.
So here on day 3 I will do better and stop dwelling on ‘my needs’ and enjoy the moment. He has said he loves me, he is sorry and that he has no hidden agenda. What more do I want?
I think your H is very reassuring. You may never be quite satisfied when it comes to H and OW. I would try to stay away from that as much as possible. From my perspective, you have enough info to drop the questions.
I'm thinking of you and I'm envious even though I know it's not all easy!
Courage, Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Your last few days sound exhausting! Don't be displeased with yourself for too long.....you realize that you weren't at your DBing best over the last little bit and you know what you need to do to turn things around again.
I can't say I think looking through the box was a great idea but then again, I don't know if I could've resisted this myself. Cards and different, more expensive types of gifts....evidence of a life that you were not a part of. That's horrible, dreadful stuff. Perhaps what can be an encouragement in this case is that having seen the types of things that passed between H and OW, you gain an insight into another facet of your H's personality. Who's to say that in the new relationship/new marriage that you are forming with him that sexy underwear, and mushy cards can't be a part? At least now you know that he is capable of such things!!
I found your H's comments about losing his eye very interesting. That the person he had been before losing it was gone. It sounds like he still needs an awful lot of validation that whoever he is now is precious to you.
I wish you courage and strength, Midip.
A hug to you, (((Midip)))
~Alanah
"It seems to me that we often, almost sulkily, reject the good that God offers us because, at the moment, we expected some other good."
C.S. Lewis
thank you ellie, wendy and alanah for encouragement.
Day 3 went well. Friends left early evening. I was feeling a bit glum about having produced and cleared up another meal en seule, bathed dd6 and listened to her read and H to announce that there was football on TV. I felt like stomping up to bed to read (but realised I needed to DFD) so went and sat next to him.
He said he knew we had lots of things to sort out and listed domestic chores, finances, communication. He said he wasn’t expecting to just walk back in and have a party. I asked him if he wanted to go to counselling. He wasn’t enthusiastic but didn’t reject it totally. He asked me if I had read mars and venus and whether I had read the book I had asked him to read in September (DR) he said what he had read of it made sense. I said it was about getting to a point of re-committing to a marriage and didn’t address specific issues after that to which he replied that we had already got to that point. He really does want this relationship to work. Think I will offer him 5 LL.
Thursday he mentioned an insurance policy . I accused him of being naïve about finances if our sep had continued, accusatory about his attitude towards me, how I felt he was prepared to stitch me up financially. Whoops again. I apologised but then carried on regardless. He said again that he had felt forced out of the relationship and he couldn’t stay because I was so angry ALL the TIME. I said surely he could remember a tiny moment when I wasn’t angry which made him laugh.
He said he hadn’t known coming back was an option and asked why I hadn’t asked him to!
He then talked about my attitude to being locked out and how it reminded him of how I used to be angry and full of blame and that he felt I had said he was stupid and thoughtless for locking me out and gave me a list of things I could have done, such as cutting the grass, etc. I really felt all I had said was that I was upset about being locked out because I assumed he knew I hadn’t a key.
I was reading Deborah Tannens ‘You just don’t understand’ yesterday and this type of missunderstanding was clearly illustrated. When GF came back and found me locked out she was sympathetic and apologetic and asked what she could do to help. H was dismissive and defensive. This makes me feel isolated and lonely.
I think counselling would help as we have such poor communication skills and talking is such dangerous territory especially when those metamessages get so confused. I hope it would provide a safe place and an allotted time to talk.
Quote: When GF came back and found me locked out she was sympathetic and apologetic and asked what she could do to help. H was dismissive and defensive.
GF didn't have to worry about your anger and blame. H had reason to be defensive.
oh SD trop tard cherie - I was awful last night. the worst ever and it's too embarassing to even report the things that I said which were about him putting a woman he had dumped 20 years ago because she wasn't good enough way ahead of 4 children in his list of priorities and that his mother had supported him.
I feel wretched today and hope that I can finally stop saying what I think, in the erroneous belief that it will liberate me from discomfort regardless of inflicting pain on H.
I apologized profusely and he said that if our roles had been reversed he would have been unable to forgive me or have me back.
The theory is so blinking obvious why is the practice so hard? I am the duffer at the bottom of the db class!
