The computer is playing up and disconnects from the internet every three minutes, coupled with H being home and not much time to get online.
H arrived Sunday night, we also had three long standing friends staying.
In the first two days I have behaved badly and recklessly.
Monday morning we were sitting in the sun having a late breakfast when very large box was delivered for the attention of H. He said it was personal stuff he had had forwarded from UK. When friends had dispersed he told me it was from OW. He was tearful and said he just wished it would all go away. I then launched into inquisition mode but can’t actually remember what I asked. He reitterated how OW didn’t want him having any contact with his children (despite wanting a baby with him) and that one night when he was speaking to Dd15 on the phone she had stormed out and wouldn’t come back at which point he decided to leave her – she then pursued him across london.
He said the skiing holiday was miserable and he and OW barely spoke and he thought it was going to be easy to end relationship.
He was upset that OW was so angry with him and that he had thought she would understand him leaving her and that he had wanted to make some sort of peace with her – she wasn’t having any of it (I said I didn’t think it was surprising considering she had chucked her BF out and had planned on having a baby ASAP with H)
Later in the day, I found the box opened and at that moment H was out looking for a log to make a sculpture which needs to be installed next Monday. Yes I went through the box . the contents were mainly love tokens, cards and christmas presents (including a calender from his mother with to H and OW ) an extremely expensive sexy baxque, some art books, a paquet of condoms and some clothes. Pukey card read ‘people who knew us then know the legend of our love lives on, it'’ time to show the world how it really is. I am without doubt your woman’ or words to that effect. I also happened upon his wallet and found two passport photos of her, one which I had seen before when she was nineteen and a recent one (I know passport photos can be a little unkind!)
I was troubled not so much by the contents (although the basque indicated to me that he was capable of buy sexy underwear for her which I saw in direct contrast to gifts to me such as the legendary staple gun) but what he was going to do about it and whether or not there had been a letter included and if he was going to respond to her. He didn’t mention it again.
Tuesday morning I woke up very early after bad nights sleep and too much wine on Monday very tearful. H said he hated to see me sad. (so am working on not being sad as well as not being angry which is hard work). I tookGF to airport and arrived home at 1.45 to locked house and I hadn’t taken a key. Mobile phone battery was dead. I then waited 2 and a half hours ASSuming that H knew I hadn’t a key and expecting his return every minute (it was Dd 5s 6th birthday and I needed to make a cake and wrap her presents) Friends reappeared at 4.30 rather shocked to find that I had been locked out and H reappeared 15 minutes later. ‘The box’ at this stage had been moved and largely emptied bar a few old clothes and a couple of DVDs so I was v. curious as to what had happened to the stuff.
I was upset about being locked out and rather accusatory to H about how he must have realised I didn’t have a key. He was defensive (same old pattern) so I apologized to him for being cross and said I knew it wasn’t his fault I was just upset about waiting for so long. (what I really wanted was for him to acknowledge me being upset and show some sympathy but he didn’t so I was more upset about the whole business.
Things were rather strained after that and I did my best to get back onto even keel but H was nervy and at one point raged about D14 being a rude little b@&%£. Other GF told reminded him that she was 14 and it was normal for her to be changeable.
MF, who is a physio gave us both a massage and we went to bed but I was feeling desperate to talk and so asked him if he was okay. He said not really but I pressed him to elaborate. He said he had had a bad day with my being tearful, working on a large piece of wood for 4 hours which he then split, D14 being arsey, tired backache etc I said ‘not upset about the box then’ he said not at all he had just put all the stuff in a bin bag and thrown it in the bin . I asked if there had been a letter and he said yes a very long one which he had started to read but it was so unpleasant that he hadn’t finished it. I said I was upset by box and he said he wasn’t surprised. He compared me to Pandora and asked why I had looked and I said because it was scary and I wanted to confront the fear and how I needed to talk about his R to demystify it. He thinks there is nothing to talk about. It was a big mistake and he is sorry and we should just concerntrate on the good things we have. He’s right. I am winding myself into another frenzy of miserable emotions. I said I needed to understand he then started explaining how losing his eye had changed everything for him and that the pre-accident H no longer existed (funny that he tried to recreate his yuoth with OW. I coninued to badger him for information.
I am very displeased with myself this morning. I have created un-rest instead of sticking to the goal of making him feel loved, worthy, happy etc.
So here on day 3 I will do better and stop dwelling on ‘my needs’ and enjoy the moment. He has said he loves me, he is sorry and that he has no hidden agenda. What more do I want?
