thank you betsey for all your comments but this one really hit home because its exactly what I have been doing. Obsessing and not GALing.
I'm rather embarassed by my last self indulgent nonsense but the response from Ms b in the O brklyn, betsey and LnL make it worthwhile and I thank you and have been looking yet again v. closely at my nastiness (and oh how comforting to think how ever bad I was during M its not a patch on B&A) and working out exactly how I can turn my behaviour around. And feeling more positive.
I sent H a text thanking him for letter and heart. He texted back that the bottom line was he didn't feel loved, so he left, now he feels loved so he's back. Cleared up any mystery there.
He later texted me to ask if that 'tallied' with my thoughts. I declined to get into texting R talk.
H was v. quiet on texting front today which by 5pm had me in a fair frenzy of insecurity. Finally spoke to him at 10 pm and quizzed him rather too obviously about what he had been doing. He said he was going somewhere tomorrow after flight arrival with friend and so would not be here till 6pm rather thatn 2.30pm. My disappointment was overwhelming and brought on a million feelings of him phoning to say he was going to be x hours later than I expected. This is a typical scenario and I have reacted in exactly the same way - with silence.
After phone convo he texted to say if I was worried about him being in london and seeing OW then he had neither seen nor spoken to her.
I texted back that yes I was fearful of that and disappointed that he was going to be later than i expected. I said ILY and can't wait to see you.
He texted ILY.
So I had the grand opportunity to NOT behave as I always do to disappointment and yet behaved in the same way (it actually brought on another self indulgent bout of tears of self pity relating to all the times when I have been waiting for H and feeling that it is more important for him to score brownie points with other people than me.
Am going to explain those feelings to H tomorrow - without blame, rancour etc etc. just by way of saying it - a 180 because I haven't said it before. ( iam re-reading DR)
Doubt I'll be able to post for the next week as childrn are on holiday so can't wait fo school runs.
