Well, thanks, Betsey, but I think I’ll more likely do what I always do and try to chart the road map toward success.
I see a lot of significant information here, Midip. First of all, a lot of what your H is saying has to do with feeling needed, desirable, and appreciated as a provider as well as a man. I don’t know how to say this gently, but none of the things he listed (bossy, control freak, destroyer of self-esteem) are debatable – it is how he felt and it is how he will continue to feel until you transform your expectations and your dynamic. How he felt then will always be valid, no matter how unfair it feels to you (and I don’t mean to say they are TRUE, that you are a horrible bossy and controlling person, I’m saying simply that these things were true for him). And those awful things can be mitigated (and already have been to a large degree) by your efforts to see him for who he is and accept his feelings without judgment or trying to control him.
He is feeling heard, and that is why he felt safe and comfortable enough to send you this letter – he never would have been able to tell you these things before. He feels safe enough to tell you and not fear retribution, fear that you will turn into a shrew and punish him for opening up his heart to you.
These are wonderful things, Midip, and believe me, I know how hard it is to accept the nasty. I’m still catching myself trying to control S’s feelings when they don’t jibe with what I want them to be. But the more positives you can see in this kind of sharing, the more respect for your H’s feelings you’ll have, and it will show, and reward you many times over.
Jennifer
