busting

[Underdog]

Hi Midip,

You already knew I read your threads, so I feel comfy jumping in here. Jennifer might cosh you on the head, but I won't. I'd rather draw your attention to some really terrific information.

I see this as a road map to successful reconciliation, sweetie. He's given you--in great detail--a laundry list of what he felt was not working between the two of you.

Positive 1: He's freely sharing his thoughts with you with the intent on rebuilding your M.

Positive 2: He feels comfortable enough to do this.

Positive 3: All of these negatives are behaviors and not personality traits of yours. That means you can change every single one of them without losing yourself in the process.

His neediness frightens me.

Yes, I'm sure it does. Just as our neediness when they left undoubtedly scared them too. This is something that will abate, if you feed the monster (so to speak) with affirmation and validation.

I criticised everything he did (actually maybe its not surprising he left but these things are all debatable and he had not ever mentioned being unhappy before. He vehemently denied that he was having an affair.

Yes, I'm sure this is true for you, Midip. But if you put on a different set of glasses, would you agree with that observation?

I just finished reading an awesome book that helped me get more healing projects on my plate. One of them is something I would probably recommend to anyone who's been in the shoes we are in (or have been in).

In this exercise, Debbie was working on herself. She wrote a letter to herself from Dan (her XH) forgiving her for the sins she committed against him and their marriage--and she did so with great detail and saw herself and her behaviors through his eyes. (I cried during this one, because I can see myself through Mr. W's eyes clearly, and it's not something I feel good about.)

Could you take a good hard look at your behaviors before he left and see his truths? This doesn't mean that you don't have your own list, sweetie, but is it possible for you to just listen to him and validate his stuff without having to put your stuff on the table to share?

This process is long and tedious, and if all things are equal and you both really want this M to work, you're going to get your chance to address your issues with him. But something tells me that if you work on the behaviors that he indicated were problems for him in the framework of your M, you might feel differently about yourself and your M. You might even get to see clearly how some of your behaviors triggered the negatives ones in his too.

I know with absolute certainty that some of my own controlling behaviors (which were smoke screens for fears) triggered some hideous behaviors in Mr. W. When I started taking care of my side of the house, a natural result was that he started cleaning up his. It just works that way.

So try to see change in yourself as exactly what he needs to make his own positive changes.

So this is how I feel: I love/am in love with a man who has knocked me unconscious and thrown me overboard and I have sunk to the bottom of the sea. I have woken up and have been swimming toward the surface (weathering the rocks that man threw to stop my ascent) but just before I could take a breath of air he decided it looked like fun (he dived in despite Ms nympho big tits sitting on board) and instead of two making it easier to get to the surface, one of us is still the stronger swimmer and the baggage is pulling me down.. I am worn out and want to be rescued. I don’t want to live my life rescuing. This is sums up my feeilings as an individual. As a parent of 4 I am screaming and thrashing. I refuse to be parent to 5 again!

Midip, being rescued is a fantasy and an illusion. The only person who can rescue you is you. There will be no inflatable device thrown your way until you start swimming for shore and can make your position more visible to him and those around you.

Remember, you can choose to see this as negative and overwhelming. Or you can choose to see this as enlightenment and positive for BOTH of you in the context of the gift to change both of you for the better.

What you focus on expands. What are some of the positive things about him that you can expand on that might validate and affirm him, bringing the 2 of you closer together? If you have a tough time with this exercise, what are some of the traits that he has that drew you to him? What is still present that you can work on seeing clearly in him each time you communicate?

He has not taken responsibility for leeaving and setting up with OW, he has not taken responsibility for four childrens emotional welfare (they have not lived with tower of strength, they have endured a depressed woman who managed to tke them to school and feed them – nothing else – and I know he has seen it as a better option.

Midip, this is a recurring theme here on the BB--one where the LBS wants total atonement for being left holding the bag. You've been here long enough to read enough to see that things don't usually happen according to our fantasies.

I'm one of the blessed few who has heard atonement and a sincere apology for hurting me and the kids. And I'm not even reconciling. But I can tell you honestly what undoubtedly occurred to get me to the point where Mr. W. was willing to discuss his remorse with me:

I quit keeping score.

As long as you are holding on to the resentment for being the strong person, you are not forgiving him. And unless he feels your forgiveness--and it has to be genuine--I doubt he's going to fulfill your fantasy with any level of honesty.

And I'm presuming/assuming that you'd want this expression of remorse to be heartfelt and genuine, no?

It's going to have to start with you. As long as you're expecting him to take care of you and rescue you from your feelings, you are continuing to set him and yourself up for failure. Start putting the GAL stuff back on your "to do" list. It will help alleviate some of this incessant desire to hold him accountable for his choices.

One last thing:

I hav spent 45 years accepting that heart rules head and it is very difficult to make that big transition.

Midip, God gave us both a head and a heart for good reasons. They both need each other and are interdependent on one another--not independent--for survival. They need perfect balance to work harmoniously with one another.

But if your head is negative and you're spewing out negativity, your heart is never going to heal. You simply must replace those negative thoughts with more positive and loving ones. Not just toward him, but yourself as well.

You're a committed mother and have a lot of heart. Forgive yourself for the things that he said he found unattractive enough to leave. Take them seriously, but don't keep longing for the past. You can't change that. But you can and should change how you think and behave from here on out.

So, why not list some of the positive things about him and some goals for behaviors in yourself that he indicated were the top grievances?

(((((Midip)))))

Good luck!

Betsey