A long, and probably boring post in which we see poor little Midip still bowed under the BAB (betrayed, abandoned, blamed) banner. my real life friends now think I should be cock a hoop to have my marriage back when in fact I am feeling more glum so will put my feelings out even if they are rather petty in the light of others.
H has sent a few texts expressing loneliness, isolation whilst he has been in the North – 2 weeks! And nasty Midip thinks she has experienced 6 months loneliness and isolation with little emotional support other than by phone and internet, and wonders if H is aware of how devastating I found it. nice Midip sympathises and reminds him that he will soon be home. His neediness frightens me.
He tells me he loves me every day by text and by phone. On Tuesday he told me he had sent me a letter, and also said that I might not speak to him again after I got it – so have been rather intriqued and rather scared to find out what it said. He also said it wasn’t in any way meant to be definitive or intractable.
Letter arrived today with carved heart with H 4 W made by his own fair hand.
I feel disloyal in throwing his letter out for public perusal – even paraphrased . And just before Jennifer coshes me over the head, will say that I know he is opening up his feelings and is showing willing in every way for which I am grateful (but it still made me sad, angry, and wanting to argue lots of points) I guess I have to validate what I can and ignore what I can’t agree with?
So here is the brief paraphrase with my comments/feelings in blue.
P1. Comment on my debauched weekend. P2. Emotional state of sadness balanced by overwhelming happiness which leads to frequent tears. P3. Fear that talking about what went wrong is opening old wounds but aware that it’s a wonderful opportunity for regeneration. P4. Surprise that I hadn’t seen the situation the same straighforward way he does. (At the point of his departure all I knew was that he was leaving because: I was horrible I had no compassion He used to think my hardness and coldness were funny but doesn’t any more He was sexually frustrated I was a control freak I was bossy I had destroyed his self esteem I criticised everything he did (actually maybe its not surprising he left but these things are all debatable and he had not ever mentioned being unhappy before. He vehemently denied that he was having an affair. P5. The part of the DR that he read made marital problems cliched and typical. (don’t know how much he read) list of negative feelings about marriage – being taken for granted, breakdown of communication, presumption that I wasn’t interested, sexual rejection, monotony of parenthood and household chores, fear of middle age, being trapped in a world you didn’t want and big enemy ego. P6. Foolish for not discussing feelings during 16 years BUT he truly sensed me hating him. Outlines the pursuer distancer dynamic. Accepts that it is probably not worse than any other relationship and that many people stay in miserable marriages. (this was not at all my perception of our marriage – nor anyone I knows perception, including our children) P7 Accident had positive effect on his feelings We had a fantastic life, wonderful children etc. 2 problems – crap sex life and having to do building work for other people. He decided he was going to do something positve about both. (he was working max 3 days a week for other people for 3 years and by anyone in the worlds standards we had idyllic life and one that he above all of us had chosen, I had a list of reservations about living in an isolated house in a foreign country as long as my arm). P8. Came out of hospital and everything perfect – passionate sex – for two weeks. P9. Doesn’t know what went wrong after that – no passionate sex and doing building work. (and here is where I know I started being angry – his mum gave him a fair wodge of dosh so he didn’t have to go to work – but he told me that it made him feel ‘manly’ or words to that effect and I wanted him to take it easy - yes controlling but also he was unable to do the slightest thing at home, even to the point of sitting at the meal table with family yet able to put in a 10 hour day for someone else and all the time saying losing an eye is no big deal. I am very confused about this period as it is two weeks between feeling happy and meeting OW). Marital hell – horrid children, money worries , one eye, etc etc. Confession that perhaps due to traumatised state saw it as ‘me or you’ situation and everything reasonable shut down and he had to escape permanently. Unfortunate to ‘end up’ in another relationship so quickly. (as if it happened after he left – cannot go with that for a moment). After he left I was very angry with him (now theres a big surprise – 4 children, paying guests, dog, 4 cats, 10 hens, duck, goat, vast isolated ruin and non – negotiable I’m leaving) and the angrier I was the more he was convinced that he was justified (now here’s a funny thing that I dbd by accident rather than design for the first month, e-mail was our only contact, and had two slip ups one by e-mail which was a heart-felt list of all the ways he had failed our marriage but repeatedly validating his good points (huge eff up ending asking if he was mad or complete bstd and one in person where I told him how totally devastated I was. After that I was so careful about everything I said and did and couldn’t have done it better retrospectively.) P10. Pre christmas visit changed everything – resolve stood fast till last minute – after that each time he saw me he fell in love with me more and more (there were no visits between pre-christmas and him taking ‘day off’ from skiing holiday with OW to tell me he wanted to come back – this is fact not imagination, 8 weeks of virtual silence) . Suddenly could see only love, kindness, strength etc etc. Adores me. (at the risk of sounding downright churlish do not want adoration.)
So this is how I feel: I love/am in love with a man who has knocked me unconscious and thrown me overboard and I have sunk to the bottom of the sea. I have woken up and have been swimming toward the surface (weathering the rocks that man threw to stop my ascent) but just before I could take a breath of air he decided it looked like fun (he dived in despite Ms nympho big tits sitting on board) and instead of two making it easier to get to the surface, one of us is still the stronger swimmer and the baggage is pulling me down.. I am worn out and want to be rescued. I don’t want to live my life rescuing. This is sums up my feeilings as an individual. As a parent of 4 I am screaming and thrashing. I refuse to be parent to 5 again!
It all seems like crappy laughable rubbish reading it through. He has not taken responsibility for leeaving and setting up with OW, he has not taken responsibility for four childrens emotional welfare (they have not lived with tower of strength, they have endured a depressed woman who managed to tke them to school and feed them – nothing else – and I know he has seen it as a better option. I feel less valued as a human being as ever. Wine/ or is it whine whine whine whine.
It is so confusing when in my heart I love him, in my head I can do without him – Yet it is my head that rules compassion/empathy and my heart wants revenge. Wish I could grow up. Wish I could tell him how I feel. OW is no more than a jar or resecu remedy. But the betrayal is now everything. I hav spent 45 years accepting that heart rules head and it is very difficult to make that big transition.
