I wrote the following offline before reading your post Jennifer - it makes so much sense and I will take the advice.
I am posting what follows anyway as a reminder to myself of how to be self destructive and as a record of my feelings earlier this morning.
I have a husband who tells me he loves me every day, has expressed his regret, is aware that we need to talk about things and that his being in a different country is not helping to sort out our problems and instead of feeling happy and grateful for him making a vast leap I am frothing at the mouth with rage and self righteous indignation and mentally saying really offensive things to him. Instead of choosing inner peace I am deliberately choosing inner conflict. I know how to make myself happier by focusing on positive things and stopping negative thoughts but am unwilling to do it. Maybe it is because I have decreased the anti- depressants or because I am a self destructive idiot.
I have compiled a list of questions for my husband which starts as purely factual questions and descends rapidly into whys. Asking most of them would serve one purpose which would be to point out what a [censored] he’s been and make him feel more miserable and guilty than I assume he does already. As for the mainly ‘when’ questions I would like to ask them because: It would stop me from having to continue assuming certain things It would indicate (assuming he was going to be completely honest) that talking about his affair is not taboo It would begin to redress the balance of responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship which he has hitherto placed firmly on my shoulders and for which I feel very resentful
This is the first phase of questions I want to ask - just realised that why is the first 1. Why did OW go to your mothers exhibition? (this was five weeks after he came out of hospital where he had spent two weeks morphined up to the eyeballs – he lost sight, eyeball remains and I have no idea whether the very high morphine doses would contributed to depression. I do remember coming out of hospital after routine surgery 20 years ago and feeling very low. 2. What did you talk about 3. When did you next communicate 4. Who contacted who 5. Was there any part of your communication that you wouldn’t have had if I had been listening/reading. 6. When did Ows last relationship end (I know she had live in boyfriend who moved out after the exhibition meeting but H doesn’t know I know) 7. When did you tell OW you were going to leave me? 8. Did you say you were going to move in with her then? 9. Why did you tell me you weren’t having an affair ?
My assumed scenario is that he planned new life with her before he gave me any verbal indication that he was not happy, and that his behaviour was manipulative and he was waiting for me to explode so he could justify his departure – or thought I would leave.
He isn’t back till 26th April so I have plenty of time to reconsider.
