Good point unsure and sage about not necessarily ever hearing "let's work on this" spoken. J should be working on it as if... but being "lovingly indifferent" means that she remains loving, supportive, validating, but not tied into emotional buttons of hers being pushed, because then she'll react with her heart rather than act with her brain. Being "lovingly indifferent" is like unconditional love, it's not tied into control. That's all.
And H's having negative reactions doesn't mean her distancing was the wrong thing to do. It might very well be that though triggering an annoyance in him, it draws him back. The very fact that her actions can induce reactions in him show his emotional attachment to her.... and he is back and now says he won't leave, correct?
The DR books do specifically state the idea that enthusiasm should not be shown, as that has a way of scaring the WAS away again, making them retreat. You can ask Michele to chime in here (we never seem to hear any guidance from her here on her own site... why is that?)
So, let's do this:
Goals are what we set for ourselves
Yes, the book does mention having "things by which you will know it's working" type "goals", for example, I may set such a goal of, "if she increases the frequency of contact, I'll know this is working", but here's the issue I have with that...
The actions/baby steps from others that indicate things are working cannot always be realistically defined ahead of time by another person. For example, a "goal" that H spends more time with you, and is not realized, doesn't mean that things aren't working, as perhaps he's listening more nowadays instead, which is a positive step, but "listening" wasn't on your list. That's why the book says to keep your eyes and ears open to positive little baby steps, they come in ways you don't expect.
Expectations are ways and means we expect others to respond/think/do, but they are based on how we think others should respond/think/do, and invariably, we will be disappointed when they don't. It's also a symptom of exerting control over others. We can only control the way we respond/think/do.
So... J, just be full of PMA, validating, don't let him press your buttons, stay on course.
