Sage, I think you're wonderful and wise, but I have a contrary opinion based on J's history and the patterns that have repeated over and over again. My 2 cents...
I'm not expecting anything either. -------------------------------------- Why NOT?
Because expectations can be unrealized and that leads to disappointment, frustration and anger. That's why it's advised to deal with outcomes and results instead.
I will not show enthusiasm if he gets close. ----------------------------------------------- Bluntness alert!!!
But it's everytime J becomes enthusiastic that H distances again. Additionally, it's mentioned in the DR book not to show enthusiasm if the WAS expresses an interest in working on the relationship.
GET your hopes up
And if they're dashed, she'll be crushed. Besides, heightening the hope won't induce a reconciliation. If anything, it may make J act too enthusiastic.
What feels like "pursuing" early on in DB'ing (basically ANYTHING from making the first phone call to sending the first email) is NOT necessarily "bad" during the next phase...
J's not at the "next phase". All H said was he won't leave. That is not the same as saying, "Honey, I want to work on this marriage". He's not quite there yet, and J still has to stay true to the path that is corralling him in. This is a repeat of her history. He's been confused before, seemingly so, about whether to stay or go, and has tried to have J make the decision for him. She was tired of the ordeal and said to leave. He really doesn't want to leave, and she had distanced herself both in action and by telling him to leave. Now he's there. Her non pursuit is helping set the climate for reeling him in. If she does any pursuing now, it will be like before, and he could distance himself again.
She needs to be lovingly indifferent still, thus encouraging him, but not pursuing him.
