He's leaving

[sage]

Jv,

Hi. Hope you're doing ok this am. Sounds like you had an emotional night with h. It also sounds like he is interested in being with you, in rebuilding (dare I say "piecing"? ) your M. How wonderful!

I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm not expecting anything either. He is here AGAIN. I will not have R talks. I will not show enthusiasm if he gets close. I'm not saying I'll be frigid. I just mean that I won't get my hopes up. This HAS been a back and forth thing, and I am so exhausted from it.

Can I take a stab at this? I hope that what I write doesn't come off as too blunt.

I don't know what's going on anymore.

Seems like what is going on is that your h wants to be home with you. His actions and words suggest that he wants to rebuild this M.

I'm not expecting anything either.

Why NOT? What are your goals for this M, JV? What are your hopes for it? Ask yourself Michele's million dollar question...if you woke up tomorrow and everything was perfect, what would you see? What would your M look like? What would your life look like?

Why not construct goals that get you there?

If you expect nothing I fear that you will get nothing.

If you expect and work towards something wonderful, well, I can't promise that you'll get it but your odds are much better.

He is here AGAIN.

Um...this isn't really new, right? Hasn't h been "here" for a while now? (Yes, I know that he's been travelling but...)

I will not have R talks.

GOOD. Use that time and energy to create loving, positive interactions instead!

I will not show enthusiasm if he gets close.

Bluntness alert!!!

I think that NOT showing enthusiasm is a mistake. And I do not think it will get you closer to your goals (assuming that they are rebuilding your M).

Your h is indicating that he:
a. doesn't want to leave the M
b. wants to be happy with you
c. wants you to be happy

How will not being enthusiastic help that? How will not being enthusiastic convey to him that you are rebuilding your M?

I'm not suggesting pursuing or overwhelming him with anything but I think it's counter to your goals to not be enthusiastic and warm and open and funny and happy to be with him.

I can't completely recall but wasn't one of h's issues with the M that he thought you didn't want to hang out with him? Or didn't enjoy him?

I'm not saying I'll be frigid. I just mean that I won't get my hopes up.

See my comments on expectations above... GET your hopes up, JV, start focusing on the positives in your situation...start setting some positive goals that reflect a confidence in rebuilding.

This HAS been a back and forth thing, and I am so exhausted from it.

Bluntness alert!!!

I agree that it has been a back and forth thing and I know that you're exhausted but (cough, cough) I feel as though you've created some of the churn yourself by sending some mixed messages to your h (and possibly to yourself).

Waxing on....I think that DB'ing to get your M our of crisis mode and DB'ing to piece are similar but different (wow, Sage really goes out on a limb there!). In fact, the process of DB'ing from crisis to less crisis to piecing to ahhhhh is a continuum that has these similarities:

1. Do what works
2. Don't do what doesn't work
3. Focus on what you can control

and probably many others.

Those can mean different things depending on the stage that you're at...

What feels like "pursuing" early on in DB'ing (basically ANYTHING from making the first phone call to sending the first email) is NOT necessarily "bad" during the next phase...IOW, at some point during the reconcilliation process you're going to have to take a wee step towards him or react really positively when he takes a step towards you, right? Otherwise aren't you going to just be standing still waiting for him to take the 50 steps (all by himself???) that separate you? That's a lot to ask, I think.

Here's the example from your sitch that's been weighing on my mind...the phone...

It "seems" like h will call you and you won't answer for the first 2 or 3 times that he's called. If he leaves a message you often don't call him back.

OK...maybe at some point early on in DB'ing that's cool...you answer once for every 3 times that he calls or return one call for every 2 messages that he leaves...

AND, when you do speak with him your are full of zest and passion and enthusiasm for the GAL stuff you've been doing...

But, that's not the stage that you're at, is it? And that's not really what happens, right?

It seems like eventually you pick up the phone and h is somewhat frenzied (because he's been calling and calling). And you're not bustling with fun and friendly conversation but you're a) irked and tired and b) even MORE irked and tired because you can't understand why he keeps calling and acting like it's so important to talk with you.

And then we all think "oh, cool, your h is really pursuing you now!"

Actually, I think your h is frustrated and confused and ends up pretty frantic. (so, negative pursuit, not positive pursuit).

And then the back and forth continues.

And...the back and forth is also exacerbated because h has expressed confusion and you've leapt into making decisions for him, right? but then you're left feeling as though HE wants something when in fact YOU'VE suggested it and HE'S confused and YOU'RE confused and ....

Here is my absolute best suggestion for you. Get out your copy of DR. Read it again with the following thought in mind: My h has indicated a willingness to piece this marriage. How can I structure my goals and 180s with this updated status in mind?

Then, let's talk about your goals...remember the idea of "1 for you, 1 to enhance your M and 1 to specifically address an issue that h had"? What would your goals look like if you tried that?

Then, let's talk about how to get some more time for JV and get her spririts and health and energy and enthusiasm up...the whole GAL thing to make you healthier and the M healthier and happier.

What do you think?

Sage

PS Have you considered a consult with one of the DB phone coaches? That might be well worth the $ to get some "piecing" focus!