He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Ok, sorry. I'll try to finish this time. H isn't here right now. So, let's see....

I was in the kitchen when H came to me and initiated more hugging. Then he started kissing me. I was trembling like crazy, uncomfortable, and confused. I was a bit tight-lipped, so he rubbed his thumbs to "loosen" them up. We kissed (if you could call it that ), H hugged me again and said, "I really did miss you, JV." I told him I missed him, too.

Awhile later, H comes up to me and asks if we can talk. I said I really didn't want to. He asked why, and I said because I just don't want to. I was afraid I was going to cry more. H said he was sorry for making me cry. I told him it wasn't his fault. The crying is something I need to try to control.

A few moments go by, H goes into the bedroom and comes out in just his "lounging" shorts. He asked, "Is it alright if I just relax here for awhile?" I said yes.

I'm trying my hardest to not be sulky, but I was so emotionally drained. I would describe my demeanor today as ho-hum. Not cheery but also not mopey.

H was mostly playing cards online the whole day. He would talk to me here and there often, just a little chit-chat. I was pleasant and mostly just listened. We smiled and laughed a few times.

I left to get S9 from school and came back. S9 ran and got his hugs from H. They talked for a bit then I hear S9 say ok. S9 comes up to my ear and says rather loudly , "Dad wants you to go give him a kiss!" H said, "You were supposed to whisper it, silly!" We laughed then I walked over to him and gave H a small kiss. I was going to walk away, but H held onto me for awhile.

Later, I was helping S9 with his homework and while I was explaining it to him, H was talking to me at the same time about having to schedule installs for local jobs. I also heard him say, "So do you want me to leave tonight?" I just acted like I didn't hear that last bit from him, and H didn't say anything more.

After that, H went to take a shower and that was when I was trying to post here, but I kept getting busy with the kids and then H came out.

I was sitting on the couch reading newsletters from the school when H came and sat next to me. H said, "So...do you want me to leave tonight? I will if you do." I was quiet for a moment thinking of what I wanted to say without sounding like I REALLY wanted him to stay. I told H, "No, I don't want you to leave,.....but I do want you to be happy." H said, "Well, I don't think I'll be happy if I leave. And I know I won't be happy leaving if you're sad." Then H told me that (best friend) was coming by for equipment and talked of his plans for the rest of the evening.

I have left H alone the whole time he's been here. I haven't initiated anything. It's been all him. He wanted to start an R talk that once, but as you know, I said no. He pretty much left it alone.

H is at the gym now but will be back soon.

I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm not expecting anything either. He is here AGAIN. I will not have R talks. I will not show enthusiasm if he gets close. I'm not saying I'll be frigid. I just mean that I won't get my hopes up. This HAS been a back and forth thing, and I am so exhausted from it.

This may be my last chance IF H is staying home. I know I'll be coming here ALOT when I'm going through MY uncertainties so PLEASE bear with me! Like I posted earlier, I am SOOOO glad that I came here. You are all absolutely tremendous people, and I'm FOREVER grateful!

Thank you for always listening!

JV