Hi. I haven't posted to anyone in ages, but I felt compelled here. I know people say all of the time, "Your sitch is just like mine!"...but, seriously, yours is.
I have been reading your thread from the start. The title caught my eye, and from that first post of yours I knew just what you were going through.
Look at your first post on this thread. It was from March, and you were convinced that it was over and that your H was leaving. Here we are in April, and now he's really leaving... I wonder what May will bring?
I went thru that same mess. My H didn't love me, was leaving. He told me for months that he was leaving, but never did a thing about it. Finally, one night I packed his stuff and said "get out." He did. In less than 2 weeks he was asking to come back.
I would love to say that was the end of it, and that we are living happily ever after. I would have loved for it to be that easy, but it certainly wasn't. The good news is that we are living much more happily than ever before. The bad news? It was a looooong haul. It has required more patience than I ever dreamed I had.
The reason I say your sitch is like mine is not only because of the H that needs to be kicked out of the house to make good on his talk about leaving, but also the fact that your H feels that he ruined your "potential." I left college (a complete academic scholarship)to marry my H, and it took me a long time to go back. My H has never forgiven himself for this, and though it sounds funny, it was a HUGE part of the demise of our relationship.
Your H sounds as if he is carrying a lot of guilt. Seems odd that he would choose to leave his family then, huh? Well, all I can say is that sometimes people think that once they make a mistake (especially if it is the same mistake that a parent made), they decide that that is simply who they are. And, they don't want to keep contaminating others with themselves.
Your H sounds like he has a lot to work out.
Let him.
And trust me here...the fear of someone leaving is far worse than the actual act. You have been fearing it for so long that it has taken on a life of its own. And, you are mourning something that is not necessarily over. On the day my H left, I was relieved. It felt good not to have the idea of it looming over me anymore. It made me get off my butt and get moving on things that I needed to.
I just need you to know that you will get through this. Don't give up on the good ole DBing now. What you say and do now will be HUGE later on.
I wanted so badly to scream at my H for hurting my boys. I didn't. I simply said, "I know how much you love them, and I know that you would not make this decision unless you thought it was for the best." Later, he told me it was things like this that made him able to talk to me and see a future for us.
I am not suggesting you say anything you don't feel. I AM saying to think first before saying anything.
It sure sounds like he is not sure about anything. I know how easy it is to say, "then leave!" I made a rule for myself to NEVER say something that I wasn't prepared to actually experience. Many times in all of this I wanted to say, "you're not happy- move on," but it wasn't what I really wanted. Why make him think that I did want that? No, I didn't pursue either. I just was a person that was there for him when I felt he needed it the most. I figured that if he has an illness I would take care of him, so why would I turn my back when he was going through such a difficult time?
Sorry if this is rambling. I don't really have time to carefully choose what I want to say. But I felt it was important for you to know that I feel deeply what you are going through.
Patience is your friend. Please remember that. And, if he does leave, it is not the end of the world. And it is certainly not over.
