He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Hi. Thank you all for your concern. I have no one here (home) to really talk to. Only MIL and SIL know about the sitch, but I don't feel that I could manage talking to them about last night's event. I'm glad I found this site. You've all been there for me, and I am very thankful for that.

To be completely honest, I don't feel (from your post) as though h "made his choice". It sounds like the first part of the phone call was very much about his fears about your expectations and his guilt. He didn't seem clear or definitive about what he wanted at all...

During the convo, H said, "I don't know what everyone expects of me. I don't care now. You can tell them what you want, and they can just all think I'm an a**hole."

H not knowing what's expected of him along with the feeling that he "ruined my life" - I'm only guessing here. I think this may have something to do with past comments made by my mother.

She had told H things about me from when I was an infant and so on. I never was told any of this. I just learned it from H about a year ago. I had reached many milestones very early on. It was such an extraordinary thing that apparently Stanford wanted to study me. My mother was all for it, but my father refused. He didn't want me to become their "guinea pig"...My mother expressed to H that she felt I could have been something really great. She wasn't disappointed with me, but she felt I could have been so much more. She had often told H that she wanted nothing more than to see me and our kids happy......How's that for PRESSURE?

I'm not saying I blame my mom, but H has ALWAYS WORRIED about my parents' image of him. It has always been so important to him to have their "approval". I've always assured him that they love him and think very highly of him. My parents have even told H just how proud they are of him. I've also told him that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I loved him, saw nothing wrong with him, and however he felt about me, then that's all that really mattered.

H has told me that he felt he ruined my life because "you COULD HAVE been so much more, and I feel like I took that away." He also said he felt I ruined his life by making him a father and a married man when I knew he didn't want any of that.

There were at least two (probably many more) possible "solutions"....One was that he could "stop living like this" (which I think is the one you assumed he was gravitating towards) and the other was for both of you to stop feeling/acting as though he had "ruined your life" and vise versa....Do you see what the latter possibilities means? It's about figuring out a way to forgive each other and move on from here.

I did tell H last night that the M didn't have to be this way. I told him if we could stop doing what we've been doing to hurt each other then I thought we could have a much better R. One that we BOTH could be happy with. H made the comment again, "If you think I should stay, if you think it's best, then just tell me to stay and I will." I said, "I can't do that. If you want to stay, H, it HAS to be because YOU WANT IT. If you stay and decide to work on the M, it has to be because YOU WANT to try and make it work." Probably not the right thing to say, but I didn't know what else I could've said.

I wanted to say "stay", but I knew I couldn't do that. It's not right. I want him to be here because HE wants to be, not because I told him to. If I did that, he'll just resent me even more, right?

I felt that I had forgiven him. Have I not and I don't realize it? How could I explain to H about trying to forgive each other? Or is it too late now?

Personally, I think that h WAS holding both of those possibilities in his mind....do you?

I really don't know. H has told me MANY times that if it weren't for the kids, he would have left long ago. Last night, he said, "Don't you remember all the times I was ready to walk out? All the fighting? All the s**t said? This was rocky from the very beginning, and it will never get any better. You don't remember alot, BUT I DO!"

I told him that he seemed to only remember the bad times. He said, "Yeah! There were alot of them." I said, "There were also alot of good times, H." He said, "....I remember them, too."

I told him that he expressed all his feelings about why he is unhappy, so I was going to tell him why I felt I was. I told H, "You stopped spending time with me. Every issue that came up and everyone else in your life had your time. I had none of it. Sure, we went out to gamble on occasion, but that wasn't really time spent together. I've been last on your list for a long time." H said, "You're right...You're right. But that's how it is. That's how my job goes." I wanted to say, "Well, what about when you weren't working? During your time off when there were periods of you having a week or so off?," but I didn't. He was angry and annoyed, I figured nothing I tried to say was going to help.

I was thinking last night about how I told him to call me before he got here so I could leave. I changed my mind for the kids.

I called H this morning after taking them to school. I told him, "I was thinking that you should stay here and visit with the boys for awhile, and I will leave. They haven't seen you in 3 weeks." He said, "I was thinking the same thing, but I didn't want to tell you to leave your house." I told him that I don't think I would be able to live in this house anymore, so I thought we should sell it. He let out an irritated sigh and said "alright".

There's one thought that keeps running over and over in my head. S9 had Dad, S5 had Dad, but S7mos has not and will not have his daddy here to watch him grow. H has missed so much already. I fear that my boys will not have their father around enough. I'm afraid that H will not make an effort to be a dad as much.

Thanks for listening.