As the subject of this post states, H has made his choice.
H just called about an hour ago. He had already talked with the kids earlier. This call was to speak with me.
H began by saying he has been doing alot of thinking ever since he left for AZ. He was talking about all of the guilt he's going through, and he didn't know what to expect when he got here. H said he didn't know what I was planning on saying to him when he got here. I told H I wasn't "planning" on anything. Then H said, "Well...I know we need to talk, but it's always been so hard for me to say what I want without hurting you." I told H to just tell me what he wanted. He said he didn't see how he could go on living like this, feeling like he ruined my life and vice versa,..............
After hearing everything, I asked, "So...are you telling me that this is what you want?" H said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Are you telling me that you have decided what you want to do?" H said, "I don't know. Tell me what I want." I am so not DBing anymore at this point other than remaining calm. I said to H, "I CANNOT tell you what YOU want, H.....From what you're saying, I think you want to tell me you're leaving but you're afraid to.....Just say it. Just let it out and tell me....Is this what you want, H?" He said, "Yes, that's what I want."
There was much more after that part of the convo, but I'd rather not talk about it. Maybe some other time. Just very hurtful, painful comments H had.
I told H to call me an hour before he gets here so I can be somewhere else. Yes, I told him to get his things out immediately, and since this is what he wants, then he needs to file for D right away. Like I said, I had stopped DBing. I told him to NOT procrastinate with this, and once he is out that door to not expect to come back. He was quiet and had nothing else to add other than he was sorry. I said I was sorry, too. He said he would call before he got here and then we said goodbye.
It's taken me a long time to finish this post. I have been crying off and on since then, but not as nearly intense as in the past. Right now I feel calm yet so numb inside.
I really thought we had a chance, even if it was only a small one. I was willing to try for it. If only he was willing. If only he really wanted.
JVJKB
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
