He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Good evening, everyone. I hope you're all enjoying the weekend.

The kids spent last night with MIL. I asked her to make sure the kids called H at their usual time. So with them gone for the night, I decided to go hang out at my friend's place for a few hours.

My cell rang at about 9pm. I suspect it was H although I don't know for sure since I've got the cheap plan (no caller ID or voicemail). Anyhow, I didn't answer.

I went out and did some grocery shopping this morning before the kids were due back. Then I went and bought myself a couple of new outfits . The kids returned about 2pm. They wanted to go to the park so we went. We came back home and later ordered a pizza for dinner. Fridays are our usual pizza night for them, but since they were at MIL's last night, it was moved to tonight .

H called about an hour and a half ago. He talked with the boys then S5 said Dad wanted me:

Me: "Hello?"
H: "I just wanted to see what was going on."
Me: "Not much."
H: "Where are the boys staying tonight?"
Me: "Here."
H: "You're not going out tonight?"
Me: "Nope."
H (long pause): "What did you do last night?"
Me: "Nothing really." (Yes, I lied , but I REALLY didn't feel like getting the third degree. I'm sorry - I'm a bad girl .)
H (another long pause): "Nothing?...Who did you do nothing with?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
H: "You said nothing. Did you mean you stayed home? If you did then why didn't you just say that?"
Me: "I'm sorry I wasn't specific enough. How was your night?"
H: "Tiring. I had 5 jobs to do yesterday, came back here (boss' house), and played online. That's all I did. That's all I do every night.....I'm going to take a shower now. (Boss and his wife) want to go out for dinner. Oh yeah, I might be home by Tuesday if all goes well. So I'll talk to you later, alright?"
Me: "Alright."
H: "Bye."
Me: "Bye."

When H comes back, and if he remains home, I hope he gets a job with Chevron. I believe he said testing is on the 24th. By the time he gets back from AZ, H will have been away from home for 3 weeks. 3 weeks!!!

We both hate this job of his, but I honestly don't know which one of us despises it more. It pays the bills, but H is gone way too much. Most of the time I feel like I AM a single mother. It's been this way for 2 1/2 years, and I have to say after he took on this job is when we started feeling more and more distant from each other. H has always said that he doesn't like being away this much. He is trying to find another job, but IMO, I think he could try much harder than he actually is. We have more than enough in the bank if H needed and wanted to take a few months off while looking for something better, but I know he won't do it. H is the one who brought up that option awhile back but nothing's changed as far as that goes.

I don't know what to really think anymore. I know I'm not supposed to have any expectations. Lately for some reason, I've been feeling like I'm preparing for H to leave when he gets back. Sometimes I cry about the thought of it, and other times, I almost feel a sense of relief. Yes, I want him to stay, but I can't really explain why I feel like I'm "preparing".

Either way, I still plan on greeting H with great enthusiasm when he gets back. I have missed him so much. I hope he feels the same.

Thanks for listening.

[NYsurvivor]

I guess I should stop trying to "dissect" what's going on with H and just try to be happy since he hasn't left yet.

Amend that to "just try to be happy", period. Your happiness cannot be contingent on whether H is there or not. If it is and he stays, then you'll be "happy"... but if he leaves again, you'll again be devastated. You can't let this happen to yourself anymore. You must be happy from within yourself, and anything H does will not further impact on that. Once your happy comes from within, then if H leaves, you'll be disappointed and saddened, preferring to be with him, but not needing to be with him. That's quite different than how you are now, correct?

It's just been alot harder for me to understand why H has so much guilt... I get to thinking and this is when I start to hurt myself with all these thoughts - "why is H still feeling guilty?

Don't over analyze this. It's not doing any good, it's contributing negatively to your well being.

H (long pause): "What did you do last night?"
Me: "Nothing really." (Yes, I lied , but I REALLY didn't feel like getting the third degree. I'm sorry - I'm a bad girl .)
H (another long pause): "Nothing?...Who did you do nothing with?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
H: "You said nothing. Did you mean you stayed home? If you did then why didn't you just say that?"
Me: "I'm sorry I wasn't specific enough. How was your night?"

Excellent, don't you think? The pattern is always when you back off, pull away, remain vague, then H pursues. So, I'd say put a reign on your feelings and do not greet H with great enthusiasm when he gets back. I think you have this back and forth with him because when things look positive with him, you do seem to get somewhat enthusiastic and show it.

Look at this as if you're trying to get an alley cat to feed out of your hand. You can't make any overt moves, you can't say anything. You just have to have the food in your hand and the alley cat approaches cautiously and VERY SLOWLY. Even after the cat determines everything's safe and starts to nibble out of your hand, if you then try to coo and/or pet the cat gently, the cat backs off. So even at the point where the cat is comfortable enough to feed out of your hand, you still have to be cool.

The point where the cat wants to be with you and eventually then will follow you home is when you can move and speak softly.

I can't really explain why I feel like I'm "preparing".

Because you're dwelling on it and feelings follow thoughts. Change your thoughts and don't dwell on it, you need to detach further.

[ValerieA]

Hey there, NY. How have you been? Thank you for your thoughts. They're always appreciated.

Yes, I need to work more again on detaching. With H being away as long as he has this time, it's been hard not thinking about things and having the feelings that follow them. I need to work on regaining MY happiness for ME and my boys. For me, my happiness always involved H, but little by little, I have been feeling like I'll be alright should he decide to leave. That could be why I sometimes have feelings of relief when I've thought about H leaving.

"...do not greet H with great enthusiasm when he gets back." - Ok, I was planning on giving H a hug when he arrived and MAYBE a small kiss after seeing how the hug went, but......I shouldn't? You think that would be too much? Pursuing? Maybe I should just greet him with a smile and a "Hey! I'm glad you're home safe!"?......Anyone? I'd appreciate any and all thoughts on that.

I don't have a whole lot to report about today. This morning while washing the dishes after breakfast, the phone rang. I answered and it was H. I only answered because I didn't think it would be him - H has only called after 6pm before. Anyway, he wanted to let me know that (co-worker) will be dropping off some displays after 6pm tonight, so H just wanted to be sure that I would be home for that. He asked what I was going to do today, and I said not much. The kids go back to school tomorrow so I planned on going to get stuff for S9's lunches, S5 needed some new shoes, and I also wanted to get a walker for the baby.

Then H just went on telling me about everything that's been happening at (boss)'s house to irritate him. Mainly (boss)'s wife and their EXTREMELY unruly 3 year old son. H talked nonstop for a good 10 minutes. Somewhere in that convo, H mentioned how he and another co-worker went out to eat last night. Now, I was wondering why yesterday H said he had to get off the phone because (boss and his wife) wanted to go out for dinner, but when talking with H today, there was no mention of what made those plans change - if that was even the truth at all. Sorry, I know I'm jumping to conclusions and ASSuming . It can be difficult believing what H says sometimes because he frequently does different from what he said he was going to do before.

So after H was done venting, he said he had to go and get back to work. As I was saying "alright", H just hung up! Not even a "goodbye"! What the heck is that?! You know, he has done that before while talking to a friend or whoever. H always thought it was kind of funny to irk someone like that. He did it to me a few times in the past, and I told him I didn't find it amusing and would appreciate it if he wouldn't do it to me again. I told H I thought it was rude so he stopped. Knowing that, why would he do it now?

Another goal I would like to achieve is H asking me how MY day went (I'll have to refine this and make it more solution/action-based). Everytime we talk, he never asks me how I'M doing. It's always "WHAT are you doing?"! Does H think that because I don't work and I stay home with the kids everyday that I've got it sooo easy?! I know how stressful he has it everyday, and I care enough to ask all the time even when I know that I'm going to "hear it all". It's just so frustrating that it has to be all about him right now before I can have any bit of my needs met. But I feel like it's been all about H for the past year or so. He always went out and did things without me even though he knew it upset me......Ok. I think I have had enough venting for now.

Two more days and H will be here.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Ok, I'm a little hot and bothered again.

H's co-worker just came by to drop off the displays and also the contracts to be faxed to the main office. I asked if they needed to be faxed right now (I was busy feeding the baby), and he said, "H just said to give them to you to fax over whenever you had the time as long as they're done before (secretary) gets into the office tomorrow morning." I said ok, thanks, then he left.

I finished feeding the baby and decided to go ahead and get started on faxing. The phone rings, I don't answer, and it's H saying, "Hello? Hello? Are you there? Pick up, pick up, pick up, JV....." I chose not to. Then my cell rang twice in the next 2 minutes. I knew it had to be H so again I chose not to answer. The house phone rang again within another 2 minutes. At that point, I realized I'd better pick up before this turns bad:

Me: "Hello?"
H: "Hey."
Me: "Hi!"
H(kinda irritable): "MY PHONE'S ABOUT TO DIE (Hmmm, that seems to happen alot. Maybe I should suggest he buy a new battery, huh? ). I just wanted to make sure you faxed those contracts already (ALREADY? - Co-worker told me YOU said whenever I had the time!). DID YOU?"
Me(still being pleasant): "Mmm-hmm!"
H: "Ok, that's all I wanted to know. I just wanted to make sure you did it already...(pause)...Let me talk to the boys now."

They talked for a short while. I overheard S5 telling H just how much he missed him and asking Dad when he was coming home. S5 said, "Tuesday? How many days is that?...Ok, but, Dad, can you come home on Monday instead?"

Awwwwww . Sometimes I forget what effect this has on my boys. They really miss their dad, too. I can't bear to think how this would be for them if H and I split up. It's heart-wrenching enough while we're still together......H REALLY needs to get a job closer to home whether we're with each other or not. For their sake.

Anyhow, I didn't understand the "urgency" in H's tone about the faxes being done already. What was the big deal? It's Sunday. No one is in the office waiting for them right now, right? CHILL OUT, H!!!

Ok, I need to chill out, too!

Thanks.

[ValerieA]

Hello, everybody. Just a little updating:

H called this morning. Turns out the fax machine over there is down so he needed me to read certain info from the contracts for him. I did then when I finished with the last one, H said, "Is that it?" I said, "Yes. Alright? Bye," then I hung up. It's been awhile since I was the first one off the phone so I figured I'd do it now. As I was hanging the phone up, I could hear H asking me something about the kids and school. Oops! Too late. I had already hung up. Oh well. If it was anything important, I'm sure H would have called right back.

I'm starting to get a bit nervous. H will be here tomorrow. I don't know what time though. My greeting - I'm not sure how to go about it. Should I give him a warm hug? Followed by a small kiss if the hug goes well? Or should I only smile with a pleasant "hello" and not initiate any physical contact? Any thoughts on this please?

Thanks.

[sun387]

I dont know how you should greet H tomorrow. If you look aprehensive he will pick up on that...If you dont act happy to see him, what does that show about the convos you have had about him wanting to work it out. I would act happy to see him and give him a hug and see what happens. Its been a while since you two saw each other and as you have missed him I am sure he feels the same way. WIll the kids be there? If so they might run and greet him before he gets to you, so that might make things awkward. I know when my H comes home, my D runs to him and then I am left standing there as he walks past me with a "Hey"

Let me know what you decide.
Sun

[ValerieA]

Hi, Sun. Thanks for stopping by.

WIll the kids be there? If so they might run and greet him before he gets to you, so that might make things awkward. I know when my H comes home, my D runs to him and then I am left standing there as he walks past me with a "Hey"

YES! That's exactly what happens here, too!

I don't know what time H will get here. It all depends on when he leaves AZ. If he leaves tonight, he could be home by morning or early afternoon. If he leaves in the morning, then I wouldn't expect him until well after the kids are in bed, possibly close to midnight, and I might very well be asleep by then.

In the past when H returned from long trips and the kids greeted him first, I always received a "hi" or "hey", too, and that was it. If I wanted a hug or kiss, I had to initiate it myself or even sometimes just ask for it. If the kids were asleep, I usually jumped up as soon as I heard the key turning in the door to greet H when he stepped inside. I always had the biggest smile , a great big hug , and a very nice smooch for him. The only time H ever came to me after getting hugs from the kids was when he returned from Seattle back in late February. I greeted him with a warm smile, and H greeted me with hugs and kisses. That was also when H was "certain" he did not want to lose me and wanted to work on our M.

I'll know I'll be glad to see him, and I'll show it no matter what happens. I don't think I can be as jubilant as I used to be because of the sitch now. I mean back then, I practically jumped on him! But not now. I'd like to get to that point again sometime, but yes, it's just too awkward right now.

I'm just a bundle of nerves . The suspense of not knowing what tomorrow holds is overwhelming. I'll just do my best to hold it together.

Thanks for listening.

[AussieGirl]

JV - "act as if" you were a happily married woman welcoming your husband home from a long business trip away.

[unsure70]

I'm just a bundle of nerves . The suspense of not knowing what tomorrow holds is overwhelming. I'll just do my best to hold it together.

Try not to overanalyze...be happy to see him and go with the flow, don't get too caught up in should I, shouldn't I, if he initiates is it ok....good luck!

I agree with Aussie!

Unsure

[NYsurvivor]

J, think about how your distancing has contributed to his pursuing you before. If you become enthusiastic, I think you're going to experience the same pattern all over again in that he'll become distant.

I think this has been dragging itself on and on in your relationship for a while. You move in closer, he backs off, you back off, he moves in closer. It won't end until one of you snaps. You've got to stop the pattern, and the only once who can change that is you. Right now, you're about to succumb to your pattern again. Resist it. Stay backed off a bit.