He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Good evening, everyone. I hope you're all enjoying the weekend.

The kids spent last night with MIL. I asked her to make sure the kids called H at their usual time. So with them gone for the night, I decided to go hang out at my friend's place for a few hours.

My cell rang at about 9pm. I suspect it was H although I don't know for sure since I've got the cheap plan (no caller ID or voicemail). Anyhow, I didn't answer.

I went out and did some grocery shopping this morning before the kids were due back. Then I went and bought myself a couple of new outfits . The kids returned about 2pm. They wanted to go to the park so we went. We came back home and later ordered a pizza for dinner. Fridays are our usual pizza night for them, but since they were at MIL's last night, it was moved to tonight .

H called about an hour and a half ago. He talked with the boys then S5 said Dad wanted me:

Me: "Hello?"
H: "I just wanted to see what was going on."
Me: "Not much."
H: "Where are the boys staying tonight?"
Me: "Here."
H: "You're not going out tonight?"
Me: "Nope."
H (long pause): "What did you do last night?"
Me: "Nothing really." (Yes, I lied , but I REALLY didn't feel like getting the third degree. I'm sorry - I'm a bad girl .)
H (another long pause): "Nothing?...Who did you do nothing with?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
H: "You said nothing. Did you mean you stayed home? If you did then why didn't you just say that?"
Me: "I'm sorry I wasn't specific enough. How was your night?"
H: "Tiring. I had 5 jobs to do yesterday, came back here (boss' house), and played online. That's all I did. That's all I do every night.....I'm going to take a shower now. (Boss and his wife) want to go out for dinner. Oh yeah, I might be home by Tuesday if all goes well. So I'll talk to you later, alright?"
Me: "Alright."
H: "Bye."
Me: "Bye."

When H comes back, and if he remains home, I hope he gets a job with Chevron. I believe he said testing is on the 24th. By the time he gets back from AZ, H will have been away from home for 3 weeks. 3 weeks!!!

We both hate this job of his, but I honestly don't know which one of us despises it more. It pays the bills, but H is gone way too much. Most of the time I feel like I AM a single mother. It's been this way for 2 1/2 years, and I have to say after he took on this job is when we started feeling more and more distant from each other. H has always said that he doesn't like being away this much. He is trying to find another job, but IMO, I think he could try much harder than he actually is. We have more than enough in the bank if H needed and wanted to take a few months off while looking for something better, but I know he won't do it. H is the one who brought up that option awhile back but nothing's changed as far as that goes.

I don't know what to really think anymore. I know I'm not supposed to have any expectations. Lately for some reason, I've been feeling like I'm preparing for H to leave when he gets back. Sometimes I cry about the thought of it, and other times, I almost feel a sense of relief. Yes, I want him to stay, but I can't really explain why I feel like I'm "preparing".

Either way, I still plan on greeting H with great enthusiasm when he gets back. I have missed him so much. I hope he feels the same.

Thanks for listening.