He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Hi all.

I've been thinking again.

I was reading another thread where the poster wrote that their LBS stated if they found out the WAS had a PA, the LBS would leave immediately and file for a D. The WAS admitted to the EA but not the PA and is contemplating whether or not to do so. Could this WAS still be dealing with guilt because, yes, they had a PA, and just knowing that what they've done would devastate their LBS even more? Did that make sense?

I'm wondering and asking because of the guilt my H is still dealing with. I'm going back to pre-bomb here (please forgive me if I ramble):

I felt for some time that there may have been something going on, but of course, whenever I approached H with my concerns, he always denied it (and he never got upset with me for asking such questions - he was always loving in his responses). I believe it was around Sept 04 when I began having my suspicions. We just had the baby and H was away alot for work. He was going out to bars all the time with co-workers while he was gone, and when he was here, he wasn't really here. Always gone doing something.

After Thanksgiving (the A started in early Oct 04 - that was as far as I could go back into his phone records) while H was in AZ for work, I went into the garage to look for the staplegun. It wasn't where we usually kept it, so I began looking through H's toolboxes he used for work. I opened one box that had staples, etc in it and came across condoms as well. Yes. Condoms. We used condoms as our means for birth control for the majority of our life together, but why were THESE condoms in H's toolbox? We had the baby in Sept 04 and I had my tubes tied - this was late Nov 04 and we obviously didn't need them. Ok, they could have been old, but why would they be in H's toolbox? They were always by the bedside before - ALWAYS.

I wanted an explanation and called H. He started asking me questions like, "Where did you find them? What kind are they? Why are you looking through my stuff? How many are there?" WHAT KIND ARE THEY?! HOW MANY ARE THERE?! I couldn't believe those questions! Here I am asking why H has condoms in his toolbox, and he's asking me these kinds of questions! I told him they were the same exact kind we ALWAYS used, and what difference did it make if there was 1 or 20 condoms in there. H said, "Yeah, you're right." H then said maybe he bought them a long time ago and just never brought them inside (which I believe was BS because everytime we bought some, we intended to use them that night so why wouldn't they be brought inside?). Then H changed his mind and said maybe they belonged to his friend. WHAT? Why would another grown man leave something like condoms in his best friend's garage?! In H's toolbox no less?! I wasn't buying it, but H kept insisting that he was doing nothing wrong even though he "had plenty of opportunity to." Yes, those were his exact words. With that said, I told H, "Well, thank you so much, H! That makes me feel a whole lot better!", then I hung up. H called back and said he was sorry for saying that, and again, he told me there was nothing for me to worry about.

We were VERY intimate after that! I have to admit, was the best it had ever been! Maybe it was due to not having to worry about birth control anymore . Who knows?

One night in late Dec 04, H went to a poker party, but didn't come home that night. That had NEVER happened before. H came home after noon the next day, and needless to say, I was absolutely furious! His excuse was that he had too much to drink and passed out at the guy's house......This was the bad turning point as far as went in our R. It had stopped completely. There was still alot of flirting going on between us, and I tried time and time again to initiate ML, but I was always turned down. H stopped initiating altogether. This is also when H's hugs and kisses seemed very empty and distant. Then finally one day in Jan 05 (about a week or two before the bomb dropped), I just asked if we could , so we did, and H was SOOO different. When I looked at H at one point, he had a pillow over his face . There were times when he would be looking out the window instead of at me like he always had. H also liked to talk while ML, but he said nothing that time. Again, his kisses were empty. Immediately afterwards, H jumped in the shower. That wasn't normal for him at all.

Ok, so end of Jan 05, the A is out there. We were going through all the emotions, and somehow H was feeling more sexual towards me than ever. One night not too long after the A was discovered, H initiated . He knew I was still a bit uneasy with kissing because all I could see was H kissing OW. H started kissing me tenderly saying, "I never kissed her the way I kiss you, JV. Never." I asked again (I say again because I asked post-bomb), "Did you sleep with her?" H said no. I then said, "Not that what's happened hasn't hurt me enough, but if you did sleep with her, H, that would really kill me." It was dark, but when I said that, I saw H's face cringe. It looked like he wanted to cry but was doing everything he could to hold back.

There were several more times after that where I saw H had the pillow over his face while ML. It has bothered me, but I never have said anything about it.

This just has me wondering. Finding the unexplained condoms in the garage, H not coming home that night, ML stopped, the pillow thing, H's cringe when I said what I said, and the guilt he still has even though I have forgiven him for his EA and told him so many times. Is it possible that H had a PA (well, I know anything's possible), is having the guilt associated with that, and can't get through it because he knows that if I knew about it, then that would really be it for us? Is this what he could be keeping inside? Is this why he is afraid of what might happen to us? Most WASs want to move on and forget about everything, but my H is having big time trouble with that. I'm the one who wants to move on when it seems like it should be the opposite.

Thanks for listening.