He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Hi, Sage.

Yes, I was ASSuming, wasn't I? That's always been the main assumption for me in our R, and it always seemed to follow a disagreement. I never could get it. Somehow things would be tense between us, and before I knew it, H was calling me on the phone asking me to do something for him, and he was always being nice about it. I can hear myself right now in my responses to H. When he'd ask me, "Can you do that for me please?", I'd usually say, "Uh-huh" or "(small sigh)...Yeah." I held onto grudges for too long.

I'm improving in letting them go. Even though I was ASSuming yesterday, I was very pleasant in return. When H asked if I didn't mind sending the faxes, I responded with an upbeat, "No, no problem!" He seemed to appreciate that.

Thanks for stopping by, Sage. I really do appreciate your help.

[sage]

Yes, I was ASSuming, wasn't I? That's always been the main assumption for me in our R, and it always seemed to follow a disagreement. I never could get it. Somehow things would be tense between us, and before I knew it, H was calling me on the phone asking me to do something for him, and he was always being nice about it. I can hear myself right now in my responses to H. When he'd ask me, "Can you do that for me please?", I'd usually say, "Uh-huh" or "(small sigh)...Yeah." I held onto grudges for too long.

How interesting! Sounds like "asking w for a favor" is h's way of signalling a truce...I think Michele calls these "truce triggers". THAT could be a great ASSumption when it happens again. "Ah, h is asking me for a favor. He must be hoping that our argument is over and that we've moved passed it. What a good guy!"

Sage

[ValerieA]

Definitely a GREAT guy!

[sun387]

JV

I agree with sage on that one...Only because I do that to see if fight is over. Bring up something that is totally unrelated, trivial, and see what the reaction is.

My H never apologizes for things....Its been that way our entire R, but once I realized his way of apologizing without saying I'm sorry, I was able to get over a fight as well. If this is H's way of smoothing things over, accept that and go with the flow.

Sun

[ValerieA]

Hi, Sun.

Yeah, in my sitch, I was the one who RARELY apologized for anything. What can I say? I was stubborn.

In the past (even before the bomb), H brought up the fact that I never said sorry first even when I knew I was wrong. He was always the one to wave the white flag. After realizing he was right, I have been stepping forward with the apologies much more often.

"My H's truce trigger: Asking me for favors" - I will accept this and go with it!

Thanks!

[ValerieA]

Hey there.

Ok, I've been thinking. I've got nothing but time on my hands these days!

The "controlling" issue has really struck a cord in me. I've been looking at the past and trying to see where else H might have perceived me as controlling. I know I mentioned before the activities that H would enjoy, and I still intend to engage in those with him.

I think I've picked up on something else. Pre-bomb, H would often talk about real estate in AZ and TX. Much, much more house for alot less money out there. H had said on numerous occasions, "Let's do it! Let's move. The homes are huge and would cost us over 200K less than what they are here." At first, I was considering it, but as time went on, I kept thinking that we have so many ties here. Family, friends, you name it. I love the house we're in now, and I even told H after we moved in here, after making this house our home, that I could envision us living here for the rest of our lives. I could see all the family get-togethers and even our grandchildren coming to visit us here. After a couple of months, H stopped talking about it and agreed that there was too much here for us to leave behind.

Lately, I've been thinking, "Why not?" This is something that H seemed to really want to do! He has done SOOO MUCH for me and the boys. I've always been so grateful. I NEED and WANT to do for him.

This would be HUGE! A BIG step! This would be me putting H above everything and everyone else.

I'd like to see how things go when H gets back. If all is going well, I'd like to talk to H about possibly taking a trip to AZ and/or TX to check things out. This isn't something I'll bring up right away though. I don't want him to think I'm trying too hard and too soon.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.

[sun387]

JV

You are so much like me...I too tried to look back to prebomb times and see what things I vetoed that H wanted. One of which was an english bulldog. My answer was, NO WAY we have two dogs already. I find it chaotic. No was my answer and I wasnt budging. Before I found DB and we were seperated I started talking about getting the bulldog. At first H said no...I know how your mind works..Dont get one. Then after a while we talked about our imaginary bulldog all the time. We even had a name picked out, that we referred to him by. Then after H moved back home, we were visiting the pet store...something we did every week because our D liked to look at the puppies and one day there were 2 bulldog pups there. We asked to see them and next thing you know we were buying a $2700 dog. People around me were telling me I was nuts for doing it, you are only trying to please H, blah blah. ANd yes I was trying to please him, but I did fall in love with the dog. At that point I was totally unsure of H's interaction with OW. But a few weeks later when that first cellphone bill came in after he moved back, I saw that not only did the contact with OW NEVER stop, he texted her while we were at the store buying the dog. Meanwhile he was kissing me because he was so elated about getting it. I was pissed when I saw that text at the very time we were at the store. I also noticed (because I feel my H suffers from depression) that whenever we were making big purchases, that is when my H showed me affection or wanted to work on our M. Its as if he knows if he wants the toys in life that he desires he has to stay with me. I am not trying to put a downer on your idea, but my advice is take it slow. I feel and felt like quite a fool when we bought a motorcycle and an expensive dog and OW did not go away.
Not that I was trying to buy H's love, but I was trying to make him happy, and in the end I felt like a fool.

Sun

[ValerieA]

Thank you for your thoughts, Sun. I appreciate them very much, and I fully intend to take things slow. I said this the first time when H wanted to work on the M, but I got too comfortable knowing that he wasn't leaving, so here we are again for the umpteenth time. I've learned my lesson (I hope ).

I'm not exactly crazy about the idea of moving should things work out for us and should this be something that H would want to do. This would mean being away from my family who I hardly see at all to begin with. Except for my parents - they live here in town, too. Seeing my relatives is big with me. My H, I think, could care less if he didn't see his family as much with the exception of his mom and sister.

Plus, I've had thoughts (whack! whack!) that if H continues working for his current employer, H would have to travel back here to work any shows and do the installs. Ummm...yeah...OW lives here...sooo...hmmm. I don't like the thought of H staying here (most likely with a friend) and being far from home in AZ or TX (if that ever happened) but being so close to OW. Know what I mean? Hmmm, scary thoughts. I need to STOP. STOP. STOP.

Depression. I, too, think my H suffers from it. I have tried gently talking with him about this possibility, but all H ever used to say was he wasn't doing it. Period. In one of our more recent R talks, this topic came up. H said I will NEVER get it. There is something so wrong in his mind, and it scares him to think about it. H hates himself. Why? He's not sure. He just knows that he will not seek any kind of professional help for fear of the doctor telling H just how "screwed up" he really is (yeah - like a therapist/psychiatrist would REALLY tell him that). That would just be one more thing for him to worry about. H has said first comes the kids' happiness, then mine, then his mom's and sister's, and his own comes dead last. I really wish he would get help, but he won't, so I don't push it.

H hates himself. Why? He's not sure.

Obviously, I'm only a SAHM and not a doctor, but maybe I can shed a little light here from some knowledge of H's childhood:

H's father was also unfaithful to MIL. Not one to cause the slightest bit of turmoil or turn her back on anyone for any reason, MIL forgave his dad and tried to work on their M even though she knew H's dad was still cheating. She never confronted him about it until one day when H's father walked in the door with hickeys all over his neck. MIL completely lost it. She began hitting H's dad over and over again and repeatedly screaming, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" She had enough and kicked him out......H was right there witnessing the whole thing, and he was only 11 years old then. He has HATED his father ever since and has only spoken with him once in the past 19 years. That one time was to tell his dad that he got married ( ).

So, could it be possible that H "sees" himself as his father? A man who H has had nothing but anger and hatred towards for the majority of his life. H saw how livid MIL was, so is this why H feels I should hate him? I'm not a professional, but it makes alot of sense to me.

Ok, I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Before I go though, H called earlier and this time I did answer. I wanted to try something a little different. So H said, "Hey (his usual way of saying hello)." I said, "Hey, SEXY!" I believe I caught him off guard with that! H said, "Sexy?! What - I'm sexy now?" I said, "Yeah, you are!" H responded with a "Hmmm...", then went on to tell me that (bf) would be stopping by for more equipment. H said he'd talk to me later then we said bye.....Ooookaaaay. That was uncomfortable . I was trying to be a little playful, but I didn't get the response I was hoping for. I'm trying to not take it too personally though.

Thanks for listening.

[SherryL]

Hey JV,

About the moving thing, JV, really, really think about what YOU want. A change of scenery won't make your H happy or change things. He has to choose to be happy and only he can make that happen. Just like only you can make you happy, it applies to H too.

We moved and not even a year later my H had the A. I am not the controlling one in the R; he is. I moved away from family, friends, church, and a secure, happy work environment. H would have loved to move out of state but I did put my foot down and say no to that. Boy, I am I glad I did. We only moved about an hour away from where we were. I can't imagine going through this without my mom and best friend. They both live in the town we moved from.
But, there are so many times I wished I was back where we used to live during all this. I have felt so alone so many times here.

H wasn't happy with our R, not where he lived. I think the A would have happened no matter where we lived.

I don't mean to put a damper on things, but I know how hard this is with family and close friends far away ( and I am only talking an hour away). But you just can't go visit your friend when you want when a 2 hour round trip is involved. My mom always watched the kids but can't as much now. So... please think about this. I would make sure your R is on steady ground before I picked up and moved.
Just my opinion.

Sherry

[ValerieA]

Hello.

Thanks, Sherry. I understand what you're saying, and I know a change of scenery wouldn't be the answer to our problems. I guess I may have not been clear enough. I meant that the possibility of moving might be something I will consider in the future if things are where we'd like them to be in our R. It would be tough moving away from family, but if our R was ever solid again (it would have to be) and this is what H would want to do, then I would do it for US.

Funny thing happened! Yesterday, I was thinking about the "moving" issue. Today, H was thinking about it!

H called to talk to the kids awhile ago. S9 handed over the phone and said Dad wanted to talk to me. We chatted for a bit seeing what each other had been up to and how things were going. H asked how the boys were behaving then how the baby was doing. I told him all the little new things the baby is starting to do and how BIG he is getting. The baby is babbling "dada" now, I told H this, and he loved it!

After a short while, H said, "Can I ask you something?" I said yes. H asked, "If things work out for us, would you ever consider moving to AZ?" I said, "You know what? I was actually thinking about that possibility yesterday!" H said, "Really?!" Then H went on telling me how he's been thinking about his family - us. H said he has so much guilt and he wants to get rid of it. H said he wants me to be happy whether it's with or without him. H said he just feels like starting all over and moving away from here because he feels like he screwed everything up here so bad. H said he thinks we could be very happy there.

I said to H what I posted a minute ago. I told H I didn't think a change of scenery was going to solve our problems. I told him I wouldn't want to move in 3 months, 6 months, or even 2 years if it meant that a year after being there we found ourselves right back in the same rut. I told H before anything changed, we'd have to be in a M that we both want. I don't want H to move us there because he feels a bigger, nicer house would make me happy, and it turned out H was still unhappy. I wouldn't want to just do it for H and find myself miserable down the road either.

H then said that he didn't want to run away from his problems. I wanted to get off the subject, so I asked why his voice sounded different. Sounded like he might be coming down with a cold, but he said he was fine. We talked a little more. Mostly about how his boss' wife is driving him crazy!

H said he has installs through Tuesday next week, so he should be home by Wednesday. Thursday at the latest. He said he'd call me before he gets here. Then we said bye.

The whole convo, I was dying to tell H how much I miss him and love him, but I didn't. I REALLY wanted to say "ILY", but I was afraid of getting a response I didn't want like "alright" or "ok". H was saying the "ILY"s for some time, but now since he hasn't for awhile, I'm afraid to initiate one.

Thanks for listening, everybody.