He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Thank you for your thoughts, Sun. I appreciate them very much, and I fully intend to take things slow. I said this the first time when H wanted to work on the M, but I got too comfortable knowing that he wasn't leaving, so here we are again for the umpteenth time. I've learned my lesson (I hope ).

I'm not exactly crazy about the idea of moving should things work out for us and should this be something that H would want to do. This would mean being away from my family who I hardly see at all to begin with. Except for my parents - they live here in town, too. Seeing my relatives is big with me. My H, I think, could care less if he didn't see his family as much with the exception of his mom and sister.

Plus, I've had thoughts (whack! whack!) that if H continues working for his current employer, H would have to travel back here to work any shows and do the installs. Ummm...yeah...OW lives here...sooo...hmmm. I don't like the thought of H staying here (most likely with a friend) and being far from home in AZ or TX (if that ever happened) but being so close to OW. Know what I mean? Hmmm, scary thoughts. I need to STOP. STOP. STOP.

Depression. I, too, think my H suffers from it. I have tried gently talking with him about this possibility, but all H ever used to say was he wasn't doing it. Period. In one of our more recent R talks, this topic came up. H said I will NEVER get it. There is something so wrong in his mind, and it scares him to think about it. H hates himself. Why? He's not sure. He just knows that he will not seek any kind of professional help for fear of the doctor telling H just how "screwed up" he really is (yeah - like a therapist/psychiatrist would REALLY tell him that). That would just be one more thing for him to worry about. H has said first comes the kids' happiness, then mine, then his mom's and sister's, and his own comes dead last. I really wish he would get help, but he won't, so I don't push it.

H hates himself. Why? He's not sure.

Obviously, I'm only a SAHM and not a doctor, but maybe I can shed a little light here from some knowledge of H's childhood:

H's father was also unfaithful to MIL. Not one to cause the slightest bit of turmoil or turn her back on anyone for any reason, MIL forgave his dad and tried to work on their M even though she knew H's dad was still cheating. She never confronted him about it until one day when H's father walked in the door with hickeys all over his neck. MIL completely lost it. She began hitting H's dad over and over again and repeatedly screaming, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" She had enough and kicked him out......H was right there witnessing the whole thing, and he was only 11 years old then. He has HATED his father ever since and has only spoken with him once in the past 19 years. That one time was to tell his dad that he got married ( ).

So, could it be possible that H "sees" himself as his father? A man who H has had nothing but anger and hatred towards for the majority of his life. H saw how livid MIL was, so is this why H feels I should hate him? I'm not a professional, but it makes alot of sense to me.

Ok, I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Before I go though, H called earlier and this time I did answer. I wanted to try something a little different. So H said, "Hey (his usual way of saying hello)." I said, "Hey, SEXY!" I believe I caught him off guard with that! H said, "Sexy?! What - I'm sexy now?" I said, "Yeah, you are!" H responded with a "Hmmm...", then went on to tell me that (bf) would be stopping by for more equipment. H said he'd talk to me later then we said bye.....Ooookaaaay. That was uncomfortable . I was trying to be a little playful, but I didn't get the response I was hoping for. I'm trying to not take it too personally though.

Thanks for listening.