He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Thanks so much, D.

I talked to H a couple of times yesterday. The first convo was to find out when he would be back. My sister is having a birthday party for my niece at Disneyland this weekend. A bunch of our family members will be there for the entire weekend, so my sis called to see if we were going. I told her I'd have to call H then call her back. When I called him, he said he was on the other line with a customer, his phone was about to die, he really couldn't talk but asked me what was up. I told him about Disneyland, but he said that they have a show in Tucson this weekend to work. H said he told me this, but I guess I forgot. We were talking for about 5 minutes then I said, "Didn't you say you had a customer on the other line?" H said, "Uh...yeah, but he's an a**hole. Ummm, I'm with (boss) right now so let me call you later."

When I called him, he said he was on the other line with a customer, his phone was about to die, he really couldn't talk...

Before my discovery of H's A, this was H's exact dialogue to get off the phone with me. It was always the same, only if it wasn't a customer then it was his boss. This along with his "Uh"s, "Umm"s, staying on the phone with me for 5 minutes when there is supposed to be a "customer" on the other line, and then calling me back almost immediately makes me wonder......

Back to the convo. H called back within about 30 seconds (I guess his customer hung up). I said I thought he told me his phone was dying. H said he plugged it in. He didn't sound like he was with (boss) anymore if at all. Anyway, H said if I wanted to take the kids to Disneyland then ok, but he would've liked to be able to go, too. I said, "Well, then I won't go. We can all go some other time." H said alright. He also told me that he won't be back for at least another week and a half. Then he asked me what was the deal with my message from the other night. I asked what did he mean, and H asked, "Well, what did you do that for?" I told him, "I don't know really. I just....It's really hard being alone." Then H said very quietly with tears behind his words, "You're going to have to be strong." I said I'm trying to be. H said he had to go so we said goodbye.

H called again after 8pm. Instead of getting a "hello" when I answered, I got an irritated, "Weren't you going to have the kids call me?" I said, "Yes. They were going to call you in about 10 minutes." H said, "Let me talk to them NOW." So they did then they hung up.

Things are not sounding good at all. There are no more "ILY"s or "IMY"s coming from H. He always seems to be annoyed or upset when talking to me. He's using the pre-bomb excuses again. Him telling me "You're going to have to be strong" has me a bit scared.

I'm going back to not calling H at all. No more occasional "IMY" calls - I only did that twice. What is it called? Going dark? No contact except for where the kids are concerned. I won't even answer the phone. I'll let the machine pick up. If it's H, then the kids can answer and hang up when they're through talking with their dad.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Hi, everyone.

I stuck to my guns all day and did not call H for anything. I had the kids call him at 8pm to say goodnight. S5 got on the phone first and right away said that H wanted to talk to me. H wasn't feeling well at all. He said he ate a hot dog earlier and now he's having stomach problems. I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but H tends to act like a big baby when he's ill. He said he took some medicine and wasn't up to talking to the boys, so he asked me to tell them "ILY" and "IMY" for him. I said ok and told H to take care of himself. Then H said, "Keep the phone next to you tonight in case I need to call you. Please?" I said alright, just relax, then we said bye.

Even though H has been a bit cold lately, at least I know or feel that he still seeks my comfort. It's no biggie, but it made me feel a little better. I don't expect him to call either.

Thanks for listening.

[sun387]

JV

It is a nice feeling to know that he still looks to you for comfort and I would consider that a small sign that he is not ready to end things with you.

My H acts like a big baby when he is sick too. He will stay home for days over a cold. I on the other hand have to still go to work, take care of D, do all the normal things when I am sick. In fact the day that H moved back home in Sept (see he never asked to move back, he just came back & didnt leave) he was sick. He showed up at 7 in the morning while I was getting ready for work telling me he was sick...I tucked him into bed and that is where he stayed all day. Too bad H doesnt remember all the good feelings he has with me, just remembers the bad ones so he can justify his R with OW...But that is another story for another post.

Keep doing what you have been doing, it appears that progress is being made, you just cant see it because you are too close. I understand your concern over his telephone behavior the other day, as if he took up talking to OW again, but you dont know for sure, so instead of stressing over it go out and do something for you.

Sun

[ValerieA]

Thanks, Sun.

You're right. The comfort thing is a small sign. I AM too close to see these signs, so thank you, all of you, for always pointing them out to me.

I'm actually rather proud of myself concerning my "wondering". I only THOUGHT about any possibility of H talking to OW for a VERY short time. I didn't stress or obsess about it. Honestly, I believe I am over the fact that there was an OW. The biggest obstacle for me now is getting back the H and the R I had 12 years ago.

I went all day again without calling H. The boys called him after 8pm like always. Instead of hanging up, S5 brought me the phone and said H wanted to talk to me again. I got on the phone and was subjected to one of H's daily tirades about work. I get tired of hearing this day after day, but I just listened like I always do. H ranted and raved for a good 10 minutes, took and released a deep breath, then said, "I just wanted to tell you I was feeling better." We talked for another minute or so. I said I had to go because the baby was fussing in his crib. H said very softly, "I'll talk to you later. Bye."

Well, I thought I was going to have the weekend to myself. The kids were supposed to go to my parents' again (they are SOOO wonderful!!), but they're going to help my stepdad's brother look for an apartment instead. So I'll be GAL with 3 little men this weekend.

As always, thanks.

[ValerieA]

Hello.

H called this morning (I let the machine pick up) and asked me to call him to let him know if his packet from Chevron came in the mail yet. The mail wasn't here at that time, so I called H a few hours later when it did and left a voice message telling him it hadn't come but that he did get a notice for a ticket he got (which H didn't tell me about) and the fine is $200. I had thought about not mentioning it to H, but seeing how I take care of paying the bills, I have to account for where the money is going if and when H asks.

The rest of my day was going alright until about an hour ago. I had to deal with S9 and S5 going at it when we got back home from school. I'm trying something new with them. I told the boys whenever they feel like they're getting on each other's nerves to go in separate parts of the house and count to 100. They did it once a few days ago and it seemed to work. They did it again earlier and, again, it looks as if it's helping. The baby is going through teething I think. He's 7 months tomorrow - he's a late bloomer I guess! Anyway, he's been so fussy today, sticking everything in his mouth, and just wanting to be in my lap all day. I haven't had much time to do anything like laundry, cleaning, etc. So at this point, Mommy is feeling kinda stressed but trying to keep it together.

H just called a little while ago. H said hey, I said hey. H asked, "So what's up with Disneyland?" I said I told him I wasn't going. H asked, "What about the kids?" I said, "What about them? They're not going either." H started getting irritated and said, "They were promised and now they don't get to go?! Well that's just GREAT!" I said, "They were NEVER promised anything." Then he said, "Well, you didn't tell me you weren't going." I said yes I did, H said no I didn't. I stopped right there and asked H if he got my message from earlier. H said, "Yes. Isn't that just wonderful? I got a speeding ticket on my way down here, too. I wonder how much that one's going to be! Thanks for letting me know." I had enough of H and his attitude, so I interrupted and said, "I'm hanging up now because I am NOT in the mood to be vented on!" H said, "I'm not venting - " I said, "I have to go. Someone's ringing the doorbell. GOODBYE." It was MIL coming to pick up S9 and S5 to visit with her for a few hours. Anyhow, H didn't call back nor have I.

I feel very drained right now. The later part of today has not been the greatest, and H just caught me at the worst of it. I'm so frustrated. I always ask H how his day went and blah blah blah. In all the years we've been together, H has only asked me that same question ONCE. I think it was about 3 or 4 years ago. Right now I just feel so fed up with him and his cold attitude. I feel like I could call him back and say that I want him to leave when he gets back because I am so tired of his negativity, irritability, and anger with everything. It feels like it's all directed towards me. I don't know how much more patient I can try to be. Most likely, I won't do anything about it. I'm venting here instead of at H......H should be back in about a week. I'm afraid of what may happen when he does return.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Hi again.

H did call back about an hour later.

The convo:
H: "Hey."
Me: "Hey."
H: "Ummm, where are (S9 and S5)?"
Me: "They're at your mom's."
H: "Where's (baby)?"
Me: "He's here; he's sleeping."
H(long pause): "Where are the boys going to be tonight?"
Me: "Why don't you just ask me what you really want to ask instead of playing 20 questions?"(Yes I know - WHACK)
H: "What do I really want to ask, JV?"
Me: "You want to know if I'm going out tonight."
H: "That's not what I asked, is it? I just want to know where my children are going to be. And I'm not asking 20 questions! I've only asked a few."
Me: "You know what I meant."
H: "Where are the boys going to be tonight?"
Me: "Here. With me."
H: "Now was that so difficult to answer?"
Me: "No, it wasn't, but I just wish you would get to the point of your questioning instead of going about it in a roundabout way."

Then things get a little heated. H said this is the kind of crap that will not make things work out. H goes on to say that he's afraid of what's going to happen when he gets back from AZ. He said we weren't supposed to talk to each other while he's away, but that obviously isn't happening. Then H said, "You leave me a message saying you're thinking of me, and another one a couple days later saying you're missing me.....do you have any idea what that does to me? Do you know how hard it is for me to be out here having to hear that?" H said he doesn't know if there's anything he can do to make things better for us; he doesn't know the right answer. H said he wishes I would just hate him, yell at him, scream, etc. (I am on the verge of crying at this point.) Then H begins to tell me he's sorry for everything again. The lying, the cheating - I lose it here. I'm crying, and H said, "Please don't. Don't cry anymore. It hurts me when you do it." I said I was sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt him or anything like that. I told H that I've been afraid, too, of what might happen. I told H that I fear the worst. He asked why, and I told him that I can't help but feeling like he's mad at me. I told him how everytime we talk he just seems so annoyed, irritated, and angry with me. H was quiet for awhile. Then a customer walked up to his booth so he said he'd call me back.

H called about 10 minutes later. He said he was sorry for acting like he was upset with me all the time, and he was sorry for me crying whenever he says he's sorry. He knows that my intentions are not to make him feel bad, but he feels the need to say he's sorry all the time. He asked me to bear with him on this. I said ok, I would try. There's another call coming through on his phone, H said it's (boss), and he asked me not to hang up. H clicked over and came back a minute later. He apologized for the interruption then we talked for another 10 minutes about how things were going for him at the show, at (boss)'s place, blah blah blah. Then H said, "I've got a customer walking up. I'll talk to you later, babe. Bye." Babe?! I haven't heard that since...maybe...geez, it's been a long time! Slip of the tongue maybe? I don't know, but it was a nice small positive (I hope) to end the convo.

I had the kids call H around their usual time, but his phone was off so they left him a message. H called back about 30 minutes later, asked if I had called, and said he was sorry for not answering. His cell died so he left his booth to put it on the charger in his work-truck. He said he was sorry again, I said it was alright, and I figured that's what happened. Then the kids talked to him for awhile and hung up.

Just updating. Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Hello. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend.

I haven't talked to H since Friday. Saturday was good. I took the boys to the park and then for dinner, we went out for pizza - their all-time favorite!

Yesterday was rather tough. I had quite a few crying spells throughout the day. Not exactly sure why. Maybe it's just stress or the fear of not knowing what's in store for us upon H's arrival. Maybe it's both.

I've been lying in my bed at night and I keep thinking, "Is this what it's going to be like? Will I be the only one in this bed from now on?" I know these are just thoughts and they're not helping anything, but it's hard not to have them when things are shaky and blurred.

I was reading on another post about doing things around the outside of the house. Whether I'm coming or going, I ALWAYS go through the garage. I went out my front door earlier today, and I thought I was looking at the Munsters' house! Nothing but webs with dirt and small dead leaves stuck in every crevice and every corner of the house. I was wondering why there weren't as many solicitors coming by anymore! Normally it's H's job to do that stuff, but seeing how he's away so much, I decided to do it myself. The boys helped out, too. Actually, S9 and S5 helped while the baby supervised and enjoyed the sunshine!

Ok, it's taken me about 45 minutes to get this far! I keep getting interrupted. Aaaahhh - motherhood!

So H just called about 15 minutes ago. I didn't answer like I said I wasn't going to. He left a message telling me that (best friend - who is also a co-worker) will be coming by later to get some equipment out of the garage. He said he hoped I would be there to let him in, and he would call back before (bf) got here. Now, in past messages before hanging up, H would say tell the boys he loves and misses them. Today H said, "Ummm......I miss you guys." I felt like picking up and saying, "I miss you, too, you big stud!"

Well anyway, the baby's napping now so this is my chance to get some things done around the inside of the house! Gotta hurry though! He's like a catnapper!

Thanks for listening.

[sun387]

JV

I am sure your H will really appreciate the effort that you made outside the house. I thought that my H would too, but unfortunately he didnt. I did realize that it wasnt really my effort outside that makes him aggitated with me, its just that he feels so unhappy at home that he blames me...But that is a story for another post.

You sound like you are doing well today. There are days that I have crying spells as well. The last few I had I managed to keep from H. DOnt want to be seen as pathetic. So do them if you need to, but not to H.

SInce I have been re-reading DR, this part is still fresh in my mind, so here is my advice to you straight from the book. If you show anxiousness upon H's arrival home, he will sense that and act accordingly. So this is where ACT as If will have to come into play. Act as if you are excited to see him. Give him a big hug and see how the positive attitude unfolds.

Sun

[ValerieA]

Hey, Sun. I sure do hope (I won't expect) that H notices the difference. No biggie if he doesn't.

I totally plan on greeting H with MUCH enthusiasm when he comes home. He's been gone for nearly 2 weeks now, and I miss him more and more each day. I've got about another week to go until he gets back.

I talked to H earlier, but only for a second. He was calling to ask me to open the garage for (bf) because he was right around the corner. That was pretty much it, but at least H didn't sound crabby or anything like that with me. But H is usually pleasant when he needs me to do something for him. Today that something would be letting (bf) in the garage and faxing over the contracts that (bf) had to the main office for processing. Oh well. I'll take it when I can get it.

Thanks for listening.

[sage]

Hi there,

But H is usually pleasant when he needs me to do something for him. Today that something would be letting (bf) in the garage and faxing over the contracts that (bf) had to the main office for processing. Oh well. I'll take it when I can get it.

Hmmm...how would you act differently with h if you didn't ASSume that there was an ulterior motive for his niceness? Would you be more appreciative and receptive of it?

Sage