When I said that I have been in those shoes, mainly with things that have been said in serious conversations that he wouldnt let go of. One in particular was when we were being intimate with each other during the summer, IN October in a fight I made a comment about it being ok to sleep with me and talk to her and he never let go of it. We havent been together since . He said it isnt right since he is so confused. I said, it can only bring us closer not farther apart. Other things that happened that he wont let go of is I opened a bank account a year ago, and he recently found out about it. I truly forgot that I had it (was being mailed to my parents house...literally had no money in it) and every time we get into a fight he brings it up like I was being sneaky. SNEAKY - pot calling the kettle black huh? Stuff like that. I have written many letters to H during all of this, but mainly talking about how our lives are too good to pass up. I have written a goodbye letter and he has never found it.
Dont worry about this set back...Your H is taking the steps to work on your R, accept this for what it was a set back. Things will be better when he is back home and you can see him face to face. It would be a good thing to leave him another message in a few days if you dont hear from him, no mention of that letter, just a missing you..So that he starts to put that letter behind him too. The truth is, you probably do look at him differently now, it is only human nature to do so...But when things start to get better for you there will be more good memories than bad and those feelings will start to fade. I tell myself that everyday...My problem is my H wont stop talking to his OW, so my good memories get shattered every day knowing that she is STILL in his life (even tho it is so far away).
I'm not sure if you're aware, but I posted before that H and I agreed to take a "break" from each other while he's in AZ although I did speak with him briefly yesterday. My parents' Dish receiver went kaput on them so I had to find out if H had an extra one in the garage and if I could give it to them. He actually didn't answer when I originally called his cell, but he returned my message since I told him I was on my way over to my parents' house. There were no "ILY"s or "IMY"s from either one of us. I wanted to say "IMY", but H seemed a bit moody, a smidge irritable. I just acted as if my day was going good, a little upbeat. I wanted to ask if he heard my message from the other day and if he understood it, but I knew that probably wasn't best. So it was just a very brief convo about giving and setting up the receiver. I thanked H for returning my call promptly then we said bye.
I think I'll try calling H later to tell him I'm missing him. Hopefully I'll get his voicemail. I would rather do it that way to avoid any possible R talks from H.
Gotta go pick up the boys now from my parents. With them being gone, it gave me the chance to clean house last night.
Hope everyone's doing alright. I'll check in later. Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
As I said in my previous post, the boys stayed at my parents' house last night. After I cleaned up our house, I went out with a few of my friends. We went to the city and had a blast! It kept my mind off of H, for awhile at least.
Anyhow, the kids and I went to my SIL's today for my niece's 1st birthday party. I couldn't stay long - SIL has a dog and two cats, and I am VERY allergic to pet hair. I was there for only 20 minutes, and my throat and eyes became itchy so I left S9 and S5 there with MIL. The baby and I came home.
I put the baby down for a nap, didn't really have anything to do, so I decided to play some poker online. I played a couple of tournaments, and it turns out I won a free entry to play for a possible entry into the World Series of Poker! I believe it costs 10K to get into that tournament! The tourney for which I won the free entry starts just after 9pm pst. It's a looooongshot, but wish me luck!
I called H about 30 minutes ago to say "hi" and tell him about this. After a minute into the convo, H said, "I thought we weren't going to talk? What - you can just change your mind at will?" I let it roll off my back and said, "I just thought you'd like to hear this. Plus I wanted to see how the show went for you guys." H tells me how horrible it was then asks me for more details on the tourney. We pleasantly talked for about 10 minutes then H told me that he felt like calling last night because he started having a panic attack (H often has them when he's away from home. His doctor even told him to go talk to a psychiatrist, but H WILL NOT DO IT!). H said he decided not to call though because he wasn't sure if I would've been home or not, and if he was unable to get a hold of me, it would've made him feel worse. Then H asked what I did last night. I told him I went out with so-and-so. H said, "That's what I f***ing thought. Bye. (Click!)"
Should I have not told H that I went out? I was only being honest. I feel like he thinks it's ok when he wants to go out, but when I want to, NOOOOO! Not without H at least. Before the bomb dropped, H was ALWAYS going out to do things WITHOUT ME. I used to complain alot about it, but when I realized it never helped anything, I stopped. He would go out all the time (doing who knows what), and I would stay home all the time. Now whenever I go out without H, I'm made to feel like the bad guy. Like I'M doing something wrong! Sometimes I just feel like telling him, "Look - you had it YOUR way for 4 months. Now it's MY turn." BUT, of course, I won't. I will sit here and keep my mouth shut as usual.
Whew.....Venting. It does wonders.
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: Should I have not told H that I went out? I was only being honest. I feel like he thinks it's ok when he wants to go out, but when I want to, NOOOOO! Not without H at least. Before the bomb dropped, H was ALWAYS going out to do things WITHOUT ME. I used to complain alot about it, but when I realized it never helped anything, I stopped. He would go out all the time (doing who knows what), and I would stay home all the time. Now whenever I go out without H, I'm made to feel like the bad guy. Like I'M doing something wrong! Sometimes I just feel like telling him, "Look - you had it YOUR way for 4 months. Now it's MY turn." BUT, of course, I won't. I will sit here and keep my mouth shut as usual.
What if you viewed this as a sign of his fear as opposed to some way to just make you mad? I think I mentioned before that my h seemed quite worried after his a that I might "retaliate". I don't think it's an uncommon fear.
I don't think you need to stop going out or lie to h...but perhaps being a bit more reassuring to him would be helpful?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks, Ohio. You have NO idea how close I was to going to Vegas! I'm still in shock. The top 13 players won a seat to the WSOP, 14th won 5K, 15th won 3K, and 16th won 2K......I placed 18th!!! 18th!!! NO JOKE! There was a total of 619 players in the tourney. I played from 9pm til 3am. Ohhhh man...I am burnt out. I was soooooo close!!!
Sage, I've always felt that H's reactions to me doing anything without him is based on fear, H's insecurity. Back when we were dating, I used to go out with my friends (much more often), and I knew he was always insecure about that. So I stopped going out altogether unless it was with H.
I'm always reassuring him. When the question of other men hitting on me pops up, I am honest about it. Then I reassure H that "hooking up" with someone else is the furthest thing from my mind. I tell him that is NOT what I want. I tell him that if a guy approaches me, he's turned down immediately. I've even lied and said no one hit on me, but H always says in his crabby way, "Hmmmph! I find that very hard to believe."
I don't go out a whole lot. I've only been out with my friends a few times in the past 10 years. Those few times have been in these last couple of months.
Yes, I remember you mentioning about your H's fear of possible "retaliation", and I think my H has that same fear going through his mind. Sometimes I feel like I should stop going out again, but then sometimes I don't. I tell H all the time that he has NOTHING to worry about......The funny thing is my H used to say the same to me before the bomb dropped. But I KNOW that I MEAN it.
Well, when I spoke to H yesterday, he said they only did 10 deals for the whole weekend, and 5 of them were scheduled today for installation. So H might be home by the end of the week. He didn't say.
Ok, seeing that the baby's napping now, I'm going to lay down for a bit. I still can't believe I was up til 3am then had to get up at 7am to get S9 and S5 ready for school. Spring break is next week - YEAH!!! I don't know why I'm rooting for it. The kids will still have me up by 7am!
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I don't have anything new to report. I was just catching up on everybody's thread tonight and reading new ones. Something just hit me all of a sudden. All the pain, all the heartache, all the sadness everyone has gone or is going through. I feel for everyone and it just brought all my heartache and tears back. I've been looking at our family albums, and I see all the happy memories we've shared. Trips, family events, our honeymoon. Those were good times. Then I came across more recent pics, and I can see how H seems unhappy and distant. No smiles, no joy, no kind of emotion.
I felt the need to call H to let him know that I miss him, so I did. I left a simple little message on his voicemail (his phone was off) telling him so. H did call the house earlier to see how I did in the tournament and to talk to the boys. That was basically it. Well, that was the second "IMY" message I've left him since he's been away. H hasn't said any "ILY"s in awhile, and lately when we've talked with each other, H just sounds so upset and irritated all the time. I know I'm not supposed to take it personally, but it's just so hard not to sometimes.
I felt like I needed to get this stuff out, and I wish I could be of more help to all of you. You have all been so tremendously supportive, and I am forever grateful. Thank you for always listening and just being there.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
. He said it isnt right since he is so confused. I said, it can only bring us closer not farther apart. Other things that happened that he wont let go of is I opened a bank account a year ago, and he recently found out about it. I truly forgot that I had it (was being mailed to my parents house...literally had no money in it) and every time we get into a fight he brings it up like I was being sneaky. SNEAKY - pot calling the kettle black huh? Stuff like that. I have written many letters to H during all of this, but mainly talking about how our lives are too good to pass up. I have written a goodbye letter and he has never found it. 
