He's leaving

[ValerieA]

I haven't talked to H for only a day and a half, and I already miss him! It's always been so lonely here at home whenever he's away. I've got our boys to keep me company, but, of course, it's not the same.

One small positive this morning. H called last night after I was already asleep and left a message saying, "I know we agreed not to talk while I'm gone, but I just wanted to let you know I'm tired of driving, so here's the number to the motel where I'm staying for the night. You can call me if you need to, or if you just want to, in case my phone dies." I know it was nothing big, but it felt big to me.

The boys and I had a nice quiet evening. They love doing puzzles, so we went to buy a few new ones. S5 separated all the pieces into colored piles while S9 and I worked on putting pieces together.

I'm going on the treadmill now to try and take H off my mind for at least awhile. Thanks for listening.

[dodgermf]

JV,

Simply...Don't call.

Just one dorks opinion...

D.

[still_n_love333]

Sage,

Great post! Sorry to intrude on JV's but wow. I like to call that content communicating. Thanks for the reminder and it is VERY easy and a productive thing to do.
333

[sage]

One small positive this morning. H called last night after I was already asleep and left a message saying, "I know we agreed not to talk while I'm gone, but I just wanted to let you know I'm tired of driving, so here's the number to the motel where I'm staying for the night. You can call me if you need to, or if you just want to, in case my phone dies." I know it was nothing big, but it felt big to me.

What a nice positive message from him!

I (personally, just my two cents) think it would be nice of you to call and let him know that you've been missing him. You could keep it short and sweet -- definitely NO R talks or even a mention of "I know we agreed not to talk...". Just something that says "I really loved getting your message last night. I've been missing you!" End of conversation.

If it felt better to you, you could even try to finagle just leaving a message as opposed to an actual conversation.

No pressure to call if it doesn't feel right...just think it might be a nice way to return the positive.

Sage

[ValerieA]

I am in need of some SERIOUS advice right now! Please! Anyone!

I went to get S5 and his friend from school. When I returned home, there was a message on the machine. The boys are off and playing. I listened to the message, it was H.....

Let me go back to February during Super Bowl weekend when we were in Reno. We had gotten into an argument (an unnecessary one at that) one night while there. H took off to go gamble, and I went to our room. I was so upset with everything going on. This was only a week after finding out about his A. I felt like screaming out loud but didn't. So I wrote kind of a letter to H about everything I was ANGRY, frustrated, confused, and depressed about. I cried the whole time and everything I wrote was based on my emotions at that time. I was mostly mad when I wrote that letter, and in it I said that I couldn't handle anymore and I wanted a D......After calming down for an hour or so, I reread the letter and knew I wasn't going to give it to H. So I folded it and stuck it in my suitcase.

Back to today. H FOUND THE LETTER! He needed an extra suitcase for his trip, so I let him use mine obviously forgetting all about the letter I had written almost 2 months ago.

H's message today: He said he's calling me now (at the house) because he knows I'm picking up S5 so we wouldn't have to talk. H said he's very sorry for everything he's ever done to cause me hurt and says he found the note. He didn't know if it was something I was planning on giving him at a later date or if I put it there intentionally for him to read it. H mentioned where I wrote that I couldn't deal with things anymore, that I wanted a D, and (I had forgotten about this) how everytime I looked at him I was reminded of what he did and how it made me feel sick to my stomach. H said he didn't feel too good right now and was getting ready for work. He said, "I'm sorry, I really am. I don't know what else to say," then he hung up.

I need to call him, but what more can I say other than feelings change? I can't believe I forgot about that letter let alone had it in the suitcase he took with him! I feel like this is a HUGE setback! What can I do? HEEELLLPPP!!!!!

[sage]

I would tell him exactly what you've told us in your post. That you wrote the letter in the worst throes of anger, hurt and sadness and that it was helpful for you to get it out but that yes, feelings change and you feel as though you've moved way past where you were when you wrote the note.

Assure him that you didn't put it in there for him to find.

After you make it really clear that you don't still feel the same way, I would err on saying less not more. IOW, one thing I've learned in my sitch is that not everything has to be discussed as nauseum right this minute. I would do a thorough job of assuring him that you don't want a D and that the letter reflects feelings of old.

Sage

PS CALL HIM!

[SherryL]

JV,

Call him and explain when you wrote the letter and how it was based on emotion. Once you thought it through, you realized that you didn't want a D and have been working on your M ever since. Tell him you completely forgot about the letter and nevwer meant for him to read it. Be honest. That is all you can do.

Sherry

[ValerieA]

Thanks for your immediate responses, Sage and Sherry.

I called H back. His phone was ringing (so I knew it was on), but he didn't answer. I would've rather talked to him personally, but I went ahead and left a lengthy message saying everything I said in my post. I assured H that those were my feelings then and not now. I told H I had forgotten all about that note and had no intentions of him ever receiving it. I told H that I DO NOT want a D! I said I was sorry that he had to find such a thing, those were my feelings at that time, feelings can change, and mine have. I ended the message by saying I hope everything is going well on his trip, and that I've missed him.

I hope this helped. I hope H accepts and understands what I said. I have a feeling the most difficult thing for H to forget about in that letter is where I wrote how everytime I looked at him......omg.

Thanks for listening.

[sun387]

JV

Sorry I could not respond to you sooner, but I would of said the same exact thing that sage and sherry said. It was an unfortunate thing that he found the note, but you honestly wrote it when you were feeling that way AT THAT TIME. Once H has had a chance to process that, he will understand.

I have been in those shoes many times during my sitch and I know it felt like the end of the world when it happened, but you know what I am still here and so is H...He may not be fighting for our marriage, but its something.

Try to relax tonight, you may not hear from him tonight. He has to process what has happened. But take a bubble bath after the kids are in bed and relax and tomorrow will be a better day.

Sun

[ValerieA]

Thanks, Sun. A bubble bath sounds terrific and indeed is in order!

I'm just curious, and if you don't mind my asking, what did you mean by you've "been in those shoes"? Did you write your feelings/thoughts down and your H stumbled upon them, too? Or did you say things in the past that H had a hard time letting go of? I have said some things in the past to my H (H and I both have), hurtful things, and I always apologized for having said them. I was always angry when I said them. I don't even remember saying much of that stuff, but my H remembers ALL of it. So with my H reading the part where I said it was hard looking at him, blah blah blah, I'm very worried about the effect it may have on our sitch. I know, I know! I'm fretting over something that hasn't even happened. This just feels like a big setback we definitely did not need.

Thanks for listening.