1. I wouldn't discuss h or your sitch with MIL or frankly anyone else in your family. And if I DID, I certainly wouldn't have a discussion where I talked about h's foibles (wishy-washy, etc). Firstly, it could very likely get back to him in a way that doesn't bear any resemblance to what you said and secondly, it makes it much harder for the WAS to reconcile if they feel ganged up on, or if everyone "knows" the story and has been talking about it. (Do YOU want to enter a room where everyone has been talking about you? I sure don't.)
2. I understand your anger and frustration about h calling you controlling. You can spend your time listing out the ways you WEREN'T OR you can use the insight that you have received (hmmmm...h perceives me as controlling) to think about the times when you HAVE been controlling and may still appear to be controlling and figure out a way to change that. Your choice.
Here's an example from my sitch...(and, there are many!)...h used to recoil from questions from me...he told me that every conversation felt like the "spanish inquisition". He felt this way even when the question was as simple as "what did you have for lunch today". EVERYTHING felt like a TRAP to him.
Was I always trying to trap him? NOPE.
Was I SOMETIMES trying to trap him? YOU BET.
SO...I stopped asking questions. ALL QUESTIONS. From "how are you" to "what do you want for dinner" to "did the meeting go well". ALL QUESTIONS.
And after a while...h stopped feeling under a microscope...and I slowly introduced SOME questions, but not my former level...and, well, there you go.
If your h is feeling controlled, look for ways that you are, in fact, controlling him. It can be very subtle.
An example of control:
Sage: Where do you want to go to eat? H: I'd like to go to Bob's House of Beef. Sage: Um. I'd like to go to Patsy's House of Pies. Let's go there instead.
Seems like a perfectly normal conversation, right? But look at it a bit deeper. I make it SEEM like h gets to decide where to go eat...but, in fact, I already KNOW where I want to go and I get what I want ultimately.
A better conversation:
Sage: I've been wanting to go to Patsy's for dinner. Would you want to go there? H: Hmmm, I'd rather go to Bob's. Sage: OK, but let's go to Patsy's next week.
OR
Sage: Hmmm...I don't really want to go to Bob's. Let's think of someplace else.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
