He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Hello, everyone.

H just left to go help our mutual friend move the rest of his things into his new condo, so he'll be back in an hour or two.

H started ANOTHER R talk earlier. It was the "same old same old" stuff as usual. I'm running out of things to say to him. So tonight I just asked, "Did you talk to (best friend) and (mutual friend) the other night when you went to (the farewell party)?" H said yes. I asked what they had to say expecting H to not tell me details. H said, "Not much.....I guess I was looking for advice but got none." H said that (bf) said, "If you're not happy, then you gotta do what you gotta do, but all I can say is that you've got it all. You've got what every m'f'er wants - an awesome wife, good kids, a house, cars, everything." H said (mf) said that whatever he can help out with, just let him know. (mf) said he was going to be there for H and me regardless of what happens. I know these guys pretty well, and this is what I imagined they would say to H if he ever did talk to them. I just don't know if they were told specifics. I know it doesn't matter anyway.

Well, I did suggest to H that maybe we should take a break from each other and everything else while he's in AZ. I said let's not talk at all except for where the kids are concerned. H said, "I'll want to talk to them every night." I said, "Of course! I'll have them call you as usual." H said, "Well...I might want to talk to you, too." I told H, "I need a break, H, and I know you could use one, too. I thought we agreed to do this not even a week ago, but that went out the window the very next day. Constantly talking about our problems everyday is stressing me out big time, and I know it's doing the same to you. So let's just take a breather please. This is not a separation - just a break from everything. Do you want to think about it first?" H said yes, so I dropped the subject. About an hour later, H said, "I want to do what you said. I think it's a good idea." So I said ok.

I hope this helps the sitch. I might go crazy every now and then while H is gone, wondering what he's doing and all, but I know we really need this time with no contact. I'm hoping H will come back with a much clearer mind and have a better idea of what he really wants. I KNOW what I want. No matter what the outcome is, I am ready to go either way.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Ok. H is on his way to AZ as I type this.

It wasn't exactly a happy goodbye. Things have felt quite edgy since this morning. I don't know why. Probably because H was rushing/stressing to get his things together - I told you he always waits until the last minute!

The kids got very warm, enthusiastic hugs "goodbye". I wish I could say the same about mine. H seemed distant and unfeeling. On his way out the door, I asked if I could have a kiss. I almost wish I hadn't. It was empty and cold with still lips from H. Before he left, I said, "I'm sorry, H. I'm sorry for everything." H said, "Me, too." I told him to have a safe trip then we said bye.

I think I made the right decision for us to not have any contact while H is away although I now all of a sudden have a feeling that this could hurt me. I'm thinking, "What if H finally makes the decision to leave when he returns?"...... Well, time to get crackin' with BIG time DBing! I really want to be prepared for whatever occurs when H gets back in a week or so.

Thanks for listening, everybody!

[ValerieA]

Ready for some venting? Here I go:

My MIL came by to pick up S9 and S5 to take them to visit with her for awhile. She already knows that I am aware of her knowing about our sitch.

MIL asked me how things were going, and I told her they're not going anywhere at the moment. I told MIL about the "break" we are giving each other while H's gone. She said, "So he's still being wishy-washy, huh?" I said yes. We talked about all of H's concerns and indecision. We got to a point where I told MIL about H saying that I decided his life for him, that he never wanted kids or marriage. MIL began telling me H is so full of it. She recalled when we got married and how thrilled H was. She said, "He was SOOO happy, JV! It was all he could talk about!" Then MIL told me that when H and her were talking on Friday, H told her that I was controlling! He said I MADE him buy me new cars! I MADE him move us out of our condo and buy this house 3 years ago! I MADE all the decisions in his life!

How in the world was I controlling?! I take FULL responsibility for two MAJOR decisions in our life together - the first was having S9, and the second was having our 3rd and final S. I DID NOT MAKE H choose to come back into my life when I was pregnant with S9. I DID NOT MAKE H choose to marry me. I DID NOT MAKE H choose to have a 2nd child with me. I DID NOT MAKE H choose to buy me ANY new car. I DID NOT MAKE H choose to buy me a house.

I am beyond angry right now! The first new car we had was a surprise gift from H to me. It was a gift for me after I had S5. I had no idea about it! MIL remembers! She went with him to pick it out! She remembered H saying how he really wanted to get it for me - he said I deserved it! The second new car we got was because H wanted a bigger truck. He asked me if I liked it when we were only looking, and I said yeah, it's cool. H said, "I want to get it for you!" I told H there was nothing wrong with my car and I didn't need a newer one, but he wasn't hearing it. So how did I make those two choices for him?

Now the house. We used to own a condo. It was the perfect size for H, me, and S9. Then we had S5. After a couple of years, we BOTH agreed that things seemed to be getting a little cramped. One day, H drove me to a house for sale and asked, "What do you think?" I had no idea what was going on so I said, "About what?" H said the house. I said it was nice so then H said let's take a look inside. We went inside and our real estate agent is in there (she sold us our condo). Ok, so now I have a better sense of what's going on. H is considering selling the condo and buying this house. After checking everything out, we went back home to our condo and H asked if I liked what I saw. I said yes. H asked, "Would you like to live in it? What if I could get that house for us?" I was kind of dumbstruck at first then I said, "H, it's a nice house, but would we be able to afford it?" H breaks down all our finances, etc, etc and assures me we can do it. I remember EXACTLY what I said to H! I said, "H, if you want to buy that house, if we can afford it, then go for it. DO NOT take us out of the condo if you aren't ABSOLUTELY sure of it!" H left for an hour or two, came back and said, "Guess what? We got the house!" I was like, "Are you serious?!" H said, "Happy Birthday, JV! ILY!" (Yes, this happened on my birthday.) Again I ask, how did I make this decision for H? And again, H was the one who wanted a second child at that time! So how am I at fault there?

I feel like calling H up and giving him a piece of my mind. But of course I won't! I am so irate! Thank goodness the kids are with MIL.

I'm going to hit the treadmill now before they get home and let off some more steam.

Sorry, just venting and thanks for hearing it.

[AussieGirl]

You know what DR and NY would say....?

They don't know what they are saying and it's difficult to believe anything of what they are sprouting. This is about his confusion, not yours - keep pounding the treadmill.

[jweedn]

I feel better knowing that there are others out there that get so angry. There are times I just want to beat my H to death (or at least until he regains some sense) but, as that is not good DBing I settle for yelling at my therapist and exercise. Another good one to try is kickboxing. There is nothing better than to really get to hit and kick something to work off a little frustration and I have lost 20 pounds as an added benefit.

Thank you for making me feel a little better and remember it is always easier for a person to blame someone else for their unhappiness in life than to accept resposibility and have to work to change it.

[bustingonline1]

JV, I feel so much better knowing how insane someone else's H can be!!! My H told me 2 weeks ago that he would be moving out over the next 2 weeks - that date came, no boxes, no moving. I know I should probably think of that as a positive, but all I can think are
1. He told me when he dropped the bomb in November - or rather, when I MADE him drop the bomb - that he had been planning to tell me in May that he was leaving - so I think that instead of moving on the schedule that I sort of forced him into, he's just planning to stick to his original schedule and leave in May - OR
2. He just got a generous fellowship to grad school that includes housing/housing stipend, so he's just waiting until the fall to take advantage of that - OR
3. He's just too lazy and procrastinates too much to want to bother packing up all his rooms full of books and he could go on forever just living separately from me in the same house.

In the meantime, I want to end at least this hurt and "pre-emptively strike" to kick him out, so that I'm not crushed one day to come home and find that he's moved without telling me. At the same time, I think that if I force the issue he'll just move in with OW and I would have "pushed him into her arms."

Goodness. Anyway, thank you for being a role model to me with the way that you're handling yourself!

[soccermom]

JV, My H did the same thing after he dropped the bomb and decided to tell me all the things he thought were wrong with the marriage. Most of them included me telling him what to do when it came to money, the house, kids, etc.. That is just so ridiculous. I paid the bills when he got paid because I looked at it as a household chore and to be honest, I actually enjoyed it. (When we only had 5 bucks after bills early in our marriage it wasn't so fun So by doing this, I looked at it like I was "earning my keep" and not bothering him with it. Just one less thing he needed to worry about. Just like with the kids. There is no way he could juggle getting the kids where they need to be on a daily basis and still hold a job. OH YEAH!! That's what he expects ME to do once he moves into his little rathole above the garage. I'm actually starting to look forward to it. Tired of the sneaking around checking his messages. (Not me checking his, HIM checking to see if OW has text him) I guess I take it as a slap in the face when he does it and lies to me about what he went into the garage for. I would love to know if he REALLY thinks I'm that stupid and he's getting away with something, or he just is a bastard for not caring whether I know what he's doing or not. I'm frustrated too JV. Hang in there.

[sage]

Hi there,

Two quick thoughts...

1. I wouldn't discuss h or your sitch with MIL or frankly anyone else in your family. And if I DID, I certainly wouldn't have a discussion where I talked about h's foibles (wishy-washy, etc). Firstly, it could very likely get back to him in a way that doesn't bear any resemblance to what you said and secondly, it makes it much harder for the WAS to reconcile if they feel ganged up on, or if everyone "knows" the story and has been talking about it. (Do YOU want to enter a room where everyone has been talking about you? I sure don't.)

2. I understand your anger and frustration about h calling you controlling. You can spend your time listing out the ways you WEREN'T OR you can use the insight that you have received (hmmmm...h perceives me as controlling) to think about the times when you HAVE been controlling and may still appear to be controlling and figure out a way to change that. Your choice.

Here's an example from my sitch...(and, there are many!)...h used to recoil from questions from me...he told me that every conversation felt like the "spanish inquisition". He felt this way even when the question was as simple as "what did you have for lunch today". EVERYTHING felt like a TRAP to him.

Was I always trying to trap him? NOPE.

Was I SOMETIMES trying to trap him? YOU BET.

SO...I stopped asking questions. ALL QUESTIONS. From "how are you" to "what do you want for dinner" to "did the meeting go well". ALL QUESTIONS.

And after a while...h stopped feeling under a microscope...and I slowly introduced SOME questions, but not my former level...and, well, there you go.

If your h is feeling controlled, look for ways that you are, in fact, controlling him. It can be very subtle.

An example of control:

Sage: Where do you want to go to eat?
H: I'd like to go to Bob's House of Beef.
Sage: Um. I'd like to go to Patsy's House of Pies. Let's go there instead.

Seems like a perfectly normal conversation, right? But look at it a bit deeper. I make it SEEM like h gets to decide where to go eat...but, in fact, I already KNOW where I want to go and I get what I want ultimately.

A better conversation:

Sage: I've been wanting to go to Patsy's for dinner. Would you want to go there?
H: Hmmm, I'd rather go to Bob's.
Sage: OK, but let's go to Patsy's next week.

OR

Sage: Hmmm...I don't really want to go to Bob's. Let's think of someplace else.

Sage

[ValerieA]

Thank you, everyone, for listening to me rage and for your understanding.

...remember it is always easier for a person to blame someone else for their unhappiness in life than to accept resposibility and have to work to change it.

I KNOW I need to beat this into MY head! Thanks for reminding me.

[ValerieA]

Hello there, Sage.

1. I wouldn't discuss h or your sitch with MIL or frankly anyone else in your family...

You ARE right. I even had a feeling that I should have paid attention to about not talking with MIL about this. I should have known better from past experiences that words often get twisted around, so it wouldn't surprise me if that was the case here.

If your h is feeling controlled, look for ways that you are, in fact, controlling him. It can be very subtle.

Your example was right on target. It was like many of our convos.

Other times H possibly perceived me as controlling was when he suggested going snowboarding, boogie-boarding, or to basketball games. If he wanted to go snowboarding, I usually said no thanks, I just didn't want to. If it was boogie-boarding, I said I would rather just relax on the beach (plus I'm not the greatest swimmer). I like basketball, but I wasn't up for going to see one.

If all is somewhat well when H gets back from AZ, I'll suggest we go snowboarding before the snow's gone. This is something H has wanted me to try with him for a loooong time. He already knows how to, but he has wanted me to go with him.

Thank you, Sage.