He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Thanks, Sportster and Sherry. As always, I am grateful for everything you all have to say.

The convo just ended...for now. Yeah, "part two" will be later tonight. I can tell you that "part one" was one hell of a roller coaster ride! Two hours of ups and downs. My head is pounding so much right now, so I will try to recall as much as I can:

I took the baby to my parents' earlier, called H and told him to just drop off the boys at his mom's when they were done. H gets in just before 7pm. He is ANGRY . I ask what's wrong, and apparently, MIL put on a ton of pressure before he left there.

H starts off by saying, "I'm f***ing done with this. I'm leaving, I'm packing my s**t up, and this is done." He continues to rage about how unhappy he is with everything and can no longer deal with it. H sees no hope in us. After about 10 minutes, he asks if I have anything to say. I am trying to swallow about a million lumps in my throat and desperately trying to hold back the tears. Knowing that he was just pressured by his mom and seeing how mad he was, I told him I wasn't sure we should talk about this right now since he was so visibly and audibly upset. I told him I don't think he may have been able to think clearly under those circumstances. (I will probably have said a lot of wrong things throughout this convo, sorry, bad DBing).

H was silent for awhile then asked about my thoughts again. The tears are there now, I couldn't hold them back anymore, but luckily I wasn't bawling. I told H if you really want to know my thoughts, I'll tell you, but you may not like them. H says, "Just tell me!" I told him that I do think there is hope, even if it's a small bit, but if he's sure he wants out, then ok. I told him to go on and go. H said he knows from my tears that's not what I want. I said he was right, but if I told or tried to convince him to stay, then that would just be selfish of me.

We talked about good times, and we talked about bad times. We argued, we joked, we yelled, we laughed, and I cried. There were times when H said "I'm leaving", "do you want me out tonight or tomorrow?", and "what can I take with me?". At one point, I said to him that I hope he lives a very happy and full life. H wished me the same. Then there were times he would say that he wasn't leaving! Those times were closer to the end of our convo. Sorry, I meant the end of "part one"!

Everytime H said he wasn't leaving, I told him, "No! You've clearly stated that you are not happy here, so just go!" Then H told me he felt that was impossible because of my crying. I told him that I was very sorry for crying, I just couldn't help it anymore. I told H to forget the tears because it's all about his feelings now, not mine.

Then H begins to tell me how sorry he is for everything. He said, "I'm sorry, JV." I said, "You should be sorry! You knew you weren't happy for years, but you decided to keep your mouth shut! You knew this M was down for a long time, and you never said a word to me to give us the chance of getting it to where we wanted it to be!" How about that 180?! I have wanted to say that to H before whenever he said "sorry", but I don't know why I didn't. I think I was afraid it would anger him, but it didn't! H was quiet for a sec then said, "What do you want me to do, JV? Do you want me to stay?" I told H to just do what he had to do.

After awhile, H asked if I wanted to go to (friend)'s house with him. I said no because my face was all puffy (from crying obviously), and I didn't want to be the party-pooper. H said he was going to take a shower. When he got out, he came to me in the living room and said he was going to pick up one friend to go the party with him. This is his best friend of more than 13 years I mentioned in a previous post, the one who said H was lucky to have me. H said he was only going to be gone for about 2 hours. He said he wanted to talk with (best friend) and (friend he might be moving in with). OMG! What's that saying? "If I could be a fly on the wall..."?

H said after he talks with them, he's "coming home...HERE." He said he will want to talk to me some more then. He gave me some hugs and kisses before leaving.

I am sooooo drained right now. My head hurts. Where's my Motrin?

Thank you, all, for listening tonight and everyday. I'll post "part two" tomorrow. Wish me well please. Thanks again.