He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Hello, Sage.

Let me ask some things...do you and h tend to agree on how to handle S9? It sounds as though you do most of the "handling" -- have I read that correctly?

Yes, I'm the one who mostly deals with S9 mainly because of H working. H is not home often during daytime hours, but if he is, he will try to help with the kids especially S9 if and when S9 gets out of hand.

Do we tend to agree? Many times before, I would say no. H felt I was too easy and soft on him, and I felt H was way too harsh, a bit abusive (verbally). These disagreements would often cause arguments. When I would handle S9, and H didn't agree, H would say something like, "That's not going to teach him anything. He'll be doing the same crap tomorrow just like he always does. I'm sick of this s**t! He will never learn because he gets his way no matter what." When H would deal with S9, and I disagreed, I would complain about things H would say to S9. H would often yell and even sometimes swear when disciplining S9. H has spanked S9 many times and has never been happy about it. Not that spanking is something to be happy about - I just mean that H was always remorseful for having done it.

what if you tried something different? I found for myself and my h that ASKING him for his input on this we disagree over is HUGE to him...and then TAKING his ADVICE 100%. Have you tried this?

There were times when H asked me, "What do you think I should do?" I usually suggested that H try to CALMLY talk to S9, calmly explain to him that there was no reason to react a certain way. If H wasn't getting anywhere with S9, then I told H to consider a time-out (when S9 was younger) or take certain privileges away. This is usually how I handle things. When I asked H what he thought I should do (which I have to admit wasn't that often), H would say he didn't know, that no matter what we did, S9 would never learn because we'd always end up giving in to him sooner or later.

Have you tried LETTING h handle S9 solo? Not stepping in? I'm not say leave in a huff...but really doing a 180 as far as who takes control...Perhaps h feels as though he doesn't have enough say in this area?

I used to interfere, but I haven't as much for a while now. H told me before that he didn't appreciate me going against his way of dealing with S9, so I have backed off considerably. It seems to have helped quite a bit at home, but when H takes S9 and S5 to go bowling, play miniature golf, etc, if H or S5 get a better score than S9, this always stirs something up in S9. H would call me from his cell and say, "I just wanted to let you know we're coming home already because SOMEONE can't behave. SOMEONE doesn't want anyone to outscore him. SOMEONE is acting like a little (you name it)." H complains that he just wants to have a good time with them both (and the baby when he gets older). He feels he can with S5, but S9 always seems to ruin it for them all. I've suggested that he only take S5 out to do things and maybe S9 will get the picture, but H says he doesn't want to do that.

I know from my own sitch that job dissatisfaction can be HUGE for one's spouse...Would h have the option of getting a different job?...does h have other dreams as far as a career?

I know that my H HATES his current job. He has taken employment tests for PG&E and an oil refinery nearby. He passed the tests for PG&E, but they will keep him on file for 1 year and notify him if any positions become available. Unfortunately, he did not pass the oil refinery's test. He felt it was because of the personal questions he had to answer such as "are you the type who can sit still or are you antsy?"...H cannot sit still. H is currently preparing for an employment test with Chevron.

His dream career? I think H would like to have his own small business. A small coffee shop or a pizza place. I think he would really like to do the pizza place. H used to work at numerous pizza restaurants when we first started dating. He would mix up his own creations for pizza sauce or pasta, and they were really quite good! H has been hesitant on looking into this. Is he a bit scared? Possibly. It would be a BIG change.

Yikes. I would say a resounding NO to packing for him. Kind of a mixed message, right?

You're right. My mind is a little clearer today. I don't know what I was really thinking when I asked that! Thank you, Sage.

Thanks for listening.