He's leaving

[sage]

Hi there,

So I'm betting that you've hit the nail on the head with two big issues -- S9 and the stress associated with h's job.

This is usually a daily thing in our home. Something will happen to set S9 off, whether it's his homework being a little too hard or S5 doing something to "irritate" him, and when this happens, I see H cringe, get angry, throw his hands up in frustration, or even cry. H has said to me that he loves S9 but sometimes he feels like he hates him. He hates when S9 acts the way he does, and he does not want to be around when S9 gets like that. H said a few times before, "Why can't S9 be like S5? S5 is so perfect. He doesn't complain, whine, scream, or do anything else that S9 does. Why can't S9 just be normal like his little brother?" I've told H that's just not a fair comparison at all and getting angry with S9 was not helping him get any better. H tries to be calmer with S9 now, but it's hard for him to be, so most times, H will get so fed up that he leaves the house.

So I handle S9 all the time, and it can be very exhausting......I would hate to say that this is the main issue wearing on H, but it is huge.

So...I don't have children so I'm not going to even pretend to understand the stress that this sort of thing has on a M.

Let me ask some things...do you and h tend to agree on how to handle S9? It sounds as though you do most of the "handling" -- have I read that correctly?

what if you tried something different? I found for myself and my h that ASKING him for his input on this we disagree over is HUGE to him...and then TAKING his ADVICE 100%. Have you tried this?

Have you tried LETTING h handle S9 solo? Not stepping in? I'm not say leave in a huff...but really doing a 180 as far as who takes control.

Perhaps h feels as though he doesn't have enough say in this area? (I have no idea if that is true...just throwing stuff out there).

Think about how you guys usually handle this and let's come up with some 180s.

Another thing is H's job. It requires a TON of traveling.

I used to try to soothe him, just listen to him, or do anything else I thought might help, but nothing ever seemed to work, so I guess I kind of gave up. I still hear what H has to say, but all I usually say to him now is "that sucks" or "sorry you have to deal with that."

I know from my own sitch that job dissatisfaction can be HUGE for one's spouse.

Would h have the option of getting a different job?

does h have other dreams as far as a career?

pre-bomb my h quit his job with 2 weeks notice, bummed around for a few months and then decided to go to law school. It was quite a big (!!) change for us but I rolled with it and he is happier in law school than I could have imagined. I really think that being able to follow his dream made a huge difference in our sitch.

I have read After the Affair. Maybe I should reread it. I've even asked H to read it. He said twice that he would, but he hasn't. I've also suggested counseling a few times to him, but he is not for it. I may have to just do it for myself.

OK...my h hasn't picked up a book to my knowledge and we only went to 1 (awful) counseling session together. It's definitely not "required" and if he's not into it, it can hurt more than help.

Kind of a dumb question here: Should I start packing H's things for him or leave them alone?

Yikes. I would say a resounding NO to packing for him. Kind of a mixed message, right?

Sage