He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Thank you, everyone. Your thoughts, prayers, understanding, and support mean so much. I cannot say thanks enough.

What would it take for you BOTH to be able to live in limbo right now? To accept that feelings DO NOT have to equal action? To know that feelings CAN change and that what feels so darned, without question, CERTAIN just simply may not be that after all?

I'm at a loss here. I don't know if it's because I'm an emotional mess right now or what. I'll try to get back to this soon.

...but something about the day to day stuff is wearing on him...and on you, too?

I have felt for some time now (years to be exact) that there is serious strain and stress coming from issues involving S9. Forgive me if I "word" any of this wrong in any way. I love S9, as well as our other two Ss, more than life itself. S9 has behavioral issues which can be overwhelming at times, but as he has grown, he has gotten better little by little. S9 had frequent visits with the school psychologist when he was in kindergarten, she met with me a few times, and gave me ways to help S9 get through his "tantrums". When I asked her why did she think S9 was the way he was, she said she believed that's just the way he is "wired". S9 (who is our 1st son) was born at 25 weeks gestation - he was as preemie as they can be with only a 50% chance of survival. I remember every time the nurses and/or doctors had to touch him while he was in the incubator that his alarms would always go off. His breathing would become distressed, his pulse would skyrocket, and even though he couldn't make a sound because of the respirator tube being down his throat, I knew he was trying to cry. S9's life began stressful, he had become a feisty little baby, and is now a young boy who is slowly learning to control his frustrations......This is usually a daily thing in our home. Something will happen to set S9 off, whether it's his homework being a little too hard or S5 doing something to "irritate" him, and when this happens, I see H cringe, get angry, throw his hands up in frustration, or even cry. H has said to me that he loves S9 but sometimes he feels like he hates him. He hates when S9 acts the way he does, and he does not want to be around when S9 gets like that. H said a few times before, "Why can't S9 be like S5? S5 is so perfect. He doesn't complain, whine, scream, or do anything else that S9 does. Why can't S9 just be normal like his little brother?" I've told H that's just not a fair comparison at all and getting angry with S9 was not helping him get any better. H tries to be calmer with S9 now, but it's hard for him to be, so most times, H will get so fed up that he leaves the house.

I have felt like walking out the door many times, too, just to get away from the tantrums and the stress for a moment. I have felt like leaving H there to deal with it for once, but I never have. I'd feel like I was walking out on my child, and I know I don't want to do that. So I handle S9 all the time, and it can be very exhausting......I would hate to say that this is the main issue wearing on H, but it is huge.

Another thing is H's job. It requires a TON of traveling. H is the general manager of this small business. The owner (a long-time acquaintance) took himself almost completely out of the business about a year ago and dumped a load of responsibility into H's lap. Any and all problems get thrown H's way now for him to fix, and for some reason, there seems to be a problem everyday. Unfortunately, H will bring home his anger and frustration with him, and that puts a damper on everything. I used to try to soothe him, just listen to him, or do anything else I thought might help, but nothing ever seemed to work, so I guess I kind of gave up. I still hear what H has to say, but all I usually say to him now is "that sucks" or "sorry you have to deal with that."

Who knows? I could be wrong about these issues, but then I keep hearing H telling me he never wanted children or marriage. It seems as if the years of stress and frustration have taken their toll on H, and he doesn't want to live with it anymore.

Do you truly want him to leave? Or do you just want the pain to go away? Is it possible that you're thinking that if he leaves the pain will go too? Maybe it will in part, I suppose, maybe it won't.

No, I really don't want him to leave. Maybe I AM just looking for the pain to go away and thinking if he goes, it will go with him. H has talked with me some more today, and he appears to be sure about moving out. Before, a big concern for H was not knowing how he would be able to afford taking care of me and the kids and then having to take care of himself separately. Now, he has talked to a mutual friend (who owes H $2000) about renting a room from him. H said, "(Friend) said he would let me have a room for $400 a month. He owes me $2000 already, so I've got 5 months for free right there. So that's cool, right?" I said yeah......I believe now that the question of money is taken care of for at least 5 months, it has made his decision of leaving just a little easier.

It may be most important for the two of you to just be as kind as possible as you can be with each other and just navigate thru the pain.

When we talked earlier today, I had suggested something along the lines of this. H did not agree nor disagree, but he continued to talk throughout the day as if he is still going to leave.

I have read After the Affair. Maybe I should reread it. I've even asked H to read it. He said twice that he would, but he hasn't. I've also suggested counseling a few times to him, but he is not for it. I may have to just do it for myself.

H left a few hours ago for Fresno again. More installs to do with a co-worker tomorrow. H said he will be back around 8 or 9pm, so if I wanted, he would stay home with the kids so I could go out. If not, then he was going out. I said I'll most likely stay home. The baby has a stomach virus and I won't be comfortable leaving him. I told H to go ahead and make his plans to go out then he said he might not either, but he wasn't sure. He said maybe he'll just get his things out when he gets back tomorrow night.

So, I've been doing the neverending laundry. I've been thinking things like, "This is the last time I'll wash this shirt, fold these jeans, etc, etc." I know it doesn't help, but it's hard not to think about those little things along with everything else. I tried to be pleasant while he was still here and when he called earlier. I think I barely succeeded. Kind of a dumb question here: Should I start packing H's things for him or leave them alone? I'm just thinking that maybe if I do it, I can get most of my crying out then. If H does it while I'm around (which I will be since the baby's sick), I might lose it.

Thanks for listening.