He's leaving

[sage]

Hi there,

Well, it happened. My H is leaving. He will be out by Sunday. It will not be a very happy Easter to say the least.

H said he feels like it's over, too. He kept reassuring me that he still cares deeply for me. He is just not happy being here. I said, "ILY, you know? But if you want to go, I understand." We both cried a bit but got it back together before going back inside the house.

I said, "No. When are you LEAVING?" He was quiet for a moment then asked me when I thought he should go. I told him the sooner the better. H said when do I want him out, so I thought for a moment and told him to be out by Sunday at the latest. He said he'd do that.

I love him more than anyone or anything else, but after hearing that everything we achieved together is not what he wanted at all, EVER, I don't believe there is any chance for us. I don't see any trace of hope.

I hope my quotes above don't seem out of context...to me they capture so much of what happened with your h last night...

What would it take for you BOTH to be able to live in limbo right now? To accept that feelings DO NOT have to equal action? To know that feelings CAN change and that what feels so darned, without question, CERTAIN just simply may not be that after all?

Your h says he doesn't want to be there...except that then he tells you that when he's gone, home is what he misses...so what does that tell you? Tells me that there is a core of love and hope and connection that he does feel...but something about the day to day stuff is wearing on him...and on you, too? So, what can you do about that? You guys definitely seemed as though you were on the right "mental track" of not trying to pressure each other/fix things too fast. I'd love to see you get back there.

Do you truly want him to leave? Or do you just want the pain to go away? Is it possible that you're thinking that if he leaves the pain will go too? Maybe it will in part, I suppose, maybe it won't.

I fear this sounds preachy -- not my intent. And I REALLY fear it sounds cavalier -- decidedly not my intent! I just read your post and see two confused, unhappy and totally in pain people who seem to want on some level to be together but then end up pushing each other away.

It's in no way my place to say "stay" or "go" or "have him stay" or "have him go" -- clearly, you and h are the only people who can decide on that. And there's no "right" answer...to be sure. I do feel, though, that if you could stop torquing each other up for feeling confused and stop forcing each other into a decision right now, well, I just see a lot of hope for you.

What you're going thru right now is horrible. I remember it well. It's ok to decide to choose different pain over what you're feeling now...really it is. I'm just not sure that his leaving will be the pain relief or end of limbo that you're hoping for. It may be most important for the two of you to just be as kind as possible as you can be with each other and just navigate thru the pain.

Have you read "After the Affair"?

Would you h consider a phone consult with one of the DB counselors? Would you?

Sage