NY - Sooo many flip-flops. No kidding. I think there were just too many of them for me to be able to deal with. I just couldn't handle all the impatience on my part. Hugs back to you.
Unsure - Amazingly, I wasn't shocked H decided he would be leaving. I had a feeling things were going to go this way. Maybe when H is actually out the door, the shock will set in. I know in my heart that I will get through this, but right now it just doesn't feel like that's possible. I'm sure everyone here has felt this way at some point.
AussieGirl - Thank you for your kind thoughts. I do very much appreciate them.
H called me about an hour and a half ago. He said he just felt like he needed to call. He asked if that was alright. I said yes, he could call me whenever. He said I could always do the same. The convo went silent for what seemed like forever, then H started crying a little. H said, "I keep trying to tell myself that this is what probably needs to happen, but then all I can do is remember the good times we had. All the good memories we've shared, and it makes me feel like I should stay." He talked about how when he's home, he just does not want to be here, but when he's away on business, all he wants is to come home to me because he misses me so much. Then he said, "I just don't know.....Do you want me to stay? Tell me to stay, and I'll stay. We can be together for 70 years and I will never open my mouth again." I was quiet for awhile then I said to H, "I want you to stay, but there have been so many hurtful things said, and I don't know what to do either. Maybe this is what needs to happen. I don't want it to, but maybe it has to." H asked what hurtful things. I commented on things he has said recently and in the past, and I admitted to things that I said in the past, too. We both apologized for those things said. H was getting back to his card table and asked if we could talk some more when he got home. I said if he wanted to, sure. He tells me "ILY" a few times and says I don't have to say it then we hang up.
I feel like H is getting scared of leaving again. I can't keep going on like this. When he gets here, and if I'm still awake, I'll listen to what he has to say, but this being in "limbo" is taking its toll on me.
It's after 11pm here. Going to try to get some sleep now. Thank you all for listening.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
