He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Well, it happened. My H is leaving. He will be out by Sunday. It will not be a very happy Easter to say the least.

Earlier, when I was in the laundry room, I overheard S9 asking H if "his house" was going to be that big (I'm assuming S9 was referring to something on the TV), and H said no it'll be smaller. A short while later, H and the kids took off to the store. I put the baby down to sleep, so I went to go sit in the backyard and write in my journal and began to cry. I really needed to.

Before I knew it, they were back. H came into the back to look for me and saw that I had been crying (great, more unintentional pressure). H asked what was wrong. I said nothing and not to worry, it was my problem to deal with. H said he knew something was wrong and wanted to know. I tried changing the subject (where are the kids?, I gotta get dinner started, etc, etc), but H wasn't hearing it. He had to know. I told him I just felt like I needed to cry. He asked why, and I said I feel like this is it, and there is nothing I can do about it. H said he feels like it's over, too. He kept reassuring me that he still cares deeply for me. He is just not happy being here. I said, "ILY, you know? But if you want to go, I understand." We both cried a bit but got it back together before going back inside the house.

At one point when we were in the living room, I asked, "When are you leaving?" H said in about 10 minutes (he was planning on going to play cards). I said, "No. When are you LEAVING?" He was quiet for a moment then asked me when I thought he should go. I told him the sooner the better. H said when do I want him out, so I thought for a moment and told him to be out by Sunday at the latest. He said he'd do that. I went to put laundry away in our room. H came in after me and gave me a hug, a kiss, and then tried to initiate ! I could not believe this! I know I said I'd go for it the next time he did this, but I just couldn't do it. H asked why not. I told him that I couldn't anymore. It is such an emotional and physical bond for me, so it just had to stop. He kept hugging and kissing, and I think he was actually trying to persuade me, but I kept refusing. He quickly got upset and said, "Fine. Then don't." I left the room.

H came into the living room a few minutes later and said he was sorry that he got mad at me. He was only trying to make us both feel better. I said thanks, but it can't happen anymore. He asked for a hug before leaving to go play cards, I gave him one, then he said he'd call or just see me when he got back tonight. I didn't say anything back then he left.

I am all cried out now. I feel like I have no more tears left in me. I feel exhausted, scared, lonely, and dead inside. The life I once thought to be all that I wanted and was truly happy with has just been ripped from my hands and heart again. Obviously the first time was finding out about his A. When H walks out the door for the last time, I believe it will be just that - the last time. I love him more than anyone or anything else, but after hearing that everything we achieved together is not what he wanted at all, EVER, I don't believe there is any chance for us. I don't see any trace of hope.

[NYsurvivor]

Your situation has had so many flip-flops... I still believe anything can happen. Nothing's ever final except death. But take care of yourself now. You're not alone, sweetie. We're all out here with the same pain in our hearts too. HUGS!!!!

[unsure70]

My H moved out for 2.5 months, when I found out he had decided to leave it was a shock...I didn't think he would ever come back, he told me 3 weeks before he moved home that he wasn't coming home. Have faith. You are going to make it with or without your H.

Unsure

[AussieGirl]

Thinking of you. You handled a tough situation with aplomb. Hang in there.

[ValerieA]

Thank you all.

NY - Sooo many flip-flops. No kidding. I think there were just too many of them for me to be able to deal with. I just couldn't handle all the impatience on my part. Hugs back to you.

Unsure - Amazingly, I wasn't shocked H decided he would be leaving. I had a feeling things were going to go this way. Maybe when H is actually out the door, the shock will set in. I know in my heart that I will get through this, but right now it just doesn't feel like that's possible. I'm sure everyone here has felt this way at some point.

AussieGirl - Thank you for your kind thoughts. I do very much appreciate them.

H called me about an hour and a half ago. He said he just felt like he needed to call. He asked if that was alright. I said yes, he could call me whenever. He said I could always do the same. The convo went silent for what seemed like forever, then H started crying a little. H said, "I keep trying to tell myself that this is what probably needs to happen, but then all I can do is remember the good times we had. All the good memories we've shared, and it makes me feel like I should stay." He talked about how when he's home, he just does not want to be here, but when he's away on business, all he wants is to come home to me because he misses me so much. Then he said, "I just don't know.....Do you want me to stay? Tell me to stay, and I'll stay. We can be together for 70 years and I will never open my mouth again." I was quiet for awhile then I said to H, "I want you to stay, but there have been so many hurtful things said, and I don't know what to do either. Maybe this is what needs to happen. I don't want it to, but maybe it has to." H asked what hurtful things. I commented on things he has said recently and in the past, and I admitted to things that I said in the past, too. We both apologized for those things said. H was getting back to his card table and asked if we could talk some more when he got home. I said if he wanted to, sure. He tells me "ILY" a few times and says I don't have to say it then we hang up.

I feel like H is getting scared of leaving again. I can't keep going on like this. When he gets here, and if I'm still awake, I'll listen to what he has to say, but this being in "limbo" is taking its toll on me.

It's after 11pm here. Going to try to get some sleep now. Thank you all for listening.

JV

[SherryL]

Oh, JV, I feel your pain.

I know how hard this is. The pain of them leaving is unbelievable. Be strong. The first night will be hard. But, I did feel better the next day. Cry and come here. Get someone to come and help with the kids if you can.

I wish I had words of wisdom or some good advice, but I don't.

My H (very much like yours) is confused. I forced the issue with my H and he left. He came back the next day.
But, unfortunately, there are still things to be resolved.
And even though this is what I wanted, I now am questioning eveything and feel numb right now.

The indecision from our Hs does take its toll. Think long and hard about what you want and what you can keep living with.

You are in my thoughts and prayer.
Sherry

[dodgermf]

JV,

Hang in there. My W left on 3/05 and I have to say that to an extent things are better. It's like there is a weight off because she is not there in my face everyday. Don't get me wrong, I still love her and I'm open to reconciliation if she wants it but her leaving has helped me with my PMA & GAL. (Sherry, my Texas homey, I think you'll agree with me).

Like NY & unsure say, it ain't the end of the world. On the contrary, it may be the beginning of a whole new world. Remember the mantra "Don't believe half of what they say and anything they do", or is it the other may around? Anyway, you get the idea.

You've always got us here, the DB family...

Be strong...D.

[rosiebud320]

I dont know what happened in your marriage as I have not been reading these boards very much as I am new, but what I do know is people say very stupid things when they are feeling hurt and upset. Its not an excuse, but you cant let those words eat at you, or your marriage will suffer. Just think of it like we are all human and we will for sure say and do stupid things, some of us daily. Try putting the past in the past and work on there here and now/future. You will see a change that you like, believe me. Dont let the words eat at your heart everyday all day, forget the words and work on rebuilding your marriage. I read somewhere that if a woman falls out of love with a man that there is like a 98% chance she will never be in love with that man again, and that a man can fall in and out of love with a woman, he can love that woman again. Also remember that 97% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A little humor here, hope I helped some.

[sage]

Hi there,

Well, it happened. My H is leaving. He will be out by Sunday. It will not be a very happy Easter to say the least.

H said he feels like it's over, too. He kept reassuring me that he still cares deeply for me. He is just not happy being here. I said, "ILY, you know? But if you want to go, I understand." We both cried a bit but got it back together before going back inside the house.

I said, "No. When are you LEAVING?" He was quiet for a moment then asked me when I thought he should go. I told him the sooner the better. H said when do I want him out, so I thought for a moment and told him to be out by Sunday at the latest. He said he'd do that.

I love him more than anyone or anything else, but after hearing that everything we achieved together is not what he wanted at all, EVER, I don't believe there is any chance for us. I don't see any trace of hope.

I hope my quotes above don't seem out of context...to me they capture so much of what happened with your h last night...

What would it take for you BOTH to be able to live in limbo right now? To accept that feelings DO NOT have to equal action? To know that feelings CAN change and that what feels so darned, without question, CERTAIN just simply may not be that after all?

Your h says he doesn't want to be there...except that then he tells you that when he's gone, home is what he misses...so what does that tell you? Tells me that there is a core of love and hope and connection that he does feel...but something about the day to day stuff is wearing on him...and on you, too? So, what can you do about that? You guys definitely seemed as though you were on the right "mental track" of not trying to pressure each other/fix things too fast. I'd love to see you get back there.

Do you truly want him to leave? Or do you just want the pain to go away? Is it possible that you're thinking that if he leaves the pain will go too? Maybe it will in part, I suppose, maybe it won't.

I fear this sounds preachy -- not my intent. And I REALLY fear it sounds cavalier -- decidedly not my intent! I just read your post and see two confused, unhappy and totally in pain people who seem to want on some level to be together but then end up pushing each other away.

It's in no way my place to say "stay" or "go" or "have him stay" or "have him go" -- clearly, you and h are the only people who can decide on that. And there's no "right" answer...to be sure. I do feel, though, that if you could stop torquing each other up for feeling confused and stop forcing each other into a decision right now, well, I just see a lot of hope for you.

What you're going thru right now is horrible. I remember it well. It's ok to decide to choose different pain over what you're feeling now...really it is. I'm just not sure that his leaving will be the pain relief or end of limbo that you're hoping for. It may be most important for the two of you to just be as kind as possible as you can be with each other and just navigate thru the pain.

Have you read "After the Affair"?

Would you h consider a phone consult with one of the DB counselors? Would you?

Sage

[ValerieA]

Thank you, everyone. Your thoughts, prayers, understanding, and support mean so much. I cannot say thanks enough.

What would it take for you BOTH to be able to live in limbo right now? To accept that feelings DO NOT have to equal action? To know that feelings CAN change and that what feels so darned, without question, CERTAIN just simply may not be that after all?

I'm at a loss here. I don't know if it's because I'm an emotional mess right now or what. I'll try to get back to this soon.

...but something about the day to day stuff is wearing on him...and on you, too?

I have felt for some time now (years to be exact) that there is serious strain and stress coming from issues involving S9. Forgive me if I "word" any of this wrong in any way. I love S9, as well as our other two Ss, more than life itself. S9 has behavioral issues which can be overwhelming at times, but as he has grown, he has gotten better little by little. S9 had frequent visits with the school psychologist when he was in kindergarten, she met with me a few times, and gave me ways to help S9 get through his "tantrums". When I asked her why did she think S9 was the way he was, she said she believed that's just the way he is "wired". S9 (who is our 1st son) was born at 25 weeks gestation - he was as preemie as they can be with only a 50% chance of survival. I remember every time the nurses and/or doctors had to touch him while he was in the incubator that his alarms would always go off. His breathing would become distressed, his pulse would skyrocket, and even though he couldn't make a sound because of the respirator tube being down his throat, I knew he was trying to cry. S9's life began stressful, he had become a feisty little baby, and is now a young boy who is slowly learning to control his frustrations......This is usually a daily thing in our home. Something will happen to set S9 off, whether it's his homework being a little too hard or S5 doing something to "irritate" him, and when this happens, I see H cringe, get angry, throw his hands up in frustration, or even cry. H has said to me that he loves S9 but sometimes he feels like he hates him. He hates when S9 acts the way he does, and he does not want to be around when S9 gets like that. H said a few times before, "Why can't S9 be like S5? S5 is so perfect. He doesn't complain, whine, scream, or do anything else that S9 does. Why can't S9 just be normal like his little brother?" I've told H that's just not a fair comparison at all and getting angry with S9 was not helping him get any better. H tries to be calmer with S9 now, but it's hard for him to be, so most times, H will get so fed up that he leaves the house.

I have felt like walking out the door many times, too, just to get away from the tantrums and the stress for a moment. I have felt like leaving H there to deal with it for once, but I never have. I'd feel like I was walking out on my child, and I know I don't want to do that. So I handle S9 all the time, and it can be very exhausting......I would hate to say that this is the main issue wearing on H, but it is huge.

Another thing is H's job. It requires a TON of traveling. H is the general manager of this small business. The owner (a long-time acquaintance) took himself almost completely out of the business about a year ago and dumped a load of responsibility into H's lap. Any and all problems get thrown H's way now for him to fix, and for some reason, there seems to be a problem everyday. Unfortunately, H will bring home his anger and frustration with him, and that puts a damper on everything. I used to try to soothe him, just listen to him, or do anything else I thought might help, but nothing ever seemed to work, so I guess I kind of gave up. I still hear what H has to say, but all I usually say to him now is "that sucks" or "sorry you have to deal with that."

Who knows? I could be wrong about these issues, but then I keep hearing H telling me he never wanted children or marriage. It seems as if the years of stress and frustration have taken their toll on H, and he doesn't want to live with it anymore.

Do you truly want him to leave? Or do you just want the pain to go away? Is it possible that you're thinking that if he leaves the pain will go too? Maybe it will in part, I suppose, maybe it won't.

No, I really don't want him to leave. Maybe I AM just looking for the pain to go away and thinking if he goes, it will go with him. H has talked with me some more today, and he appears to be sure about moving out. Before, a big concern for H was not knowing how he would be able to afford taking care of me and the kids and then having to take care of himself separately. Now, he has talked to a mutual friend (who owes H $2000) about renting a room from him. H said, "(Friend) said he would let me have a room for $400 a month. He owes me $2000 already, so I've got 5 months for free right there. So that's cool, right?" I said yeah......I believe now that the question of money is taken care of for at least 5 months, it has made his decision of leaving just a little easier.

It may be most important for the two of you to just be as kind as possible as you can be with each other and just navigate thru the pain.

When we talked earlier today, I had suggested something along the lines of this. H did not agree nor disagree, but he continued to talk throughout the day as if he is still going to leave.

I have read After the Affair. Maybe I should reread it. I've even asked H to read it. He said twice that he would, but he hasn't. I've also suggested counseling a few times to him, but he is not for it. I may have to just do it for myself.

H left a few hours ago for Fresno again. More installs to do with a co-worker tomorrow. H said he will be back around 8 or 9pm, so if I wanted, he would stay home with the kids so I could go out. If not, then he was going out. I said I'll most likely stay home. The baby has a stomach virus and I won't be comfortable leaving him. I told H to go ahead and make his plans to go out then he said he might not either, but he wasn't sure. He said maybe he'll just get his things out when he gets back tomorrow night.

So, I've been doing the neverending laundry. I've been thinking things like, "This is the last time I'll wash this shirt, fold these jeans, etc, etc." I know it doesn't help, but it's hard not to think about those little things along with everything else. I tried to be pleasant while he was still here and when he called earlier. I think I barely succeeded. Kind of a dumb question here: Should I start packing H's things for him or leave them alone? I'm just thinking that maybe if I do it, I can get most of my crying out then. If H does it while I'm around (which I will be since the baby's sick), I might lose it.

Thanks for listening.