He's leaving

[ValerieA]

Well, it happened. My H is leaving. He will be out by Sunday. It will not be a very happy Easter to say the least.

Earlier, when I was in the laundry room, I overheard S9 asking H if "his house" was going to be that big (I'm assuming S9 was referring to something on the TV), and H said no it'll be smaller. A short while later, H and the kids took off to the store. I put the baby down to sleep, so I went to go sit in the backyard and write in my journal and began to cry. I really needed to.

Before I knew it, they were back. H came into the back to look for me and saw that I had been crying (great, more unintentional pressure). H asked what was wrong. I said nothing and not to worry, it was my problem to deal with. H said he knew something was wrong and wanted to know. I tried changing the subject (where are the kids?, I gotta get dinner started, etc, etc), but H wasn't hearing it. He had to know. I told him I just felt like I needed to cry. He asked why, and I said I feel like this is it, and there is nothing I can do about it. H said he feels like it's over, too. He kept reassuring me that he still cares deeply for me. He is just not happy being here. I said, "ILY, you know? But if you want to go, I understand." We both cried a bit but got it back together before going back inside the house.

At one point when we were in the living room, I asked, "When are you leaving?" H said in about 10 minutes (he was planning on going to play cards). I said, "No. When are you LEAVING?" He was quiet for a moment then asked me when I thought he should go. I told him the sooner the better. H said when do I want him out, so I thought for a moment and told him to be out by Sunday at the latest. He said he'd do that. I went to put laundry away in our room. H came in after me and gave me a hug, a kiss, and then tried to initiate ! I could not believe this! I know I said I'd go for it the next time he did this, but I just couldn't do it. H asked why not. I told him that I couldn't anymore. It is such an emotional and physical bond for me, so it just had to stop. He kept hugging and kissing, and I think he was actually trying to persuade me, but I kept refusing. He quickly got upset and said, "Fine. Then don't." I left the room.

H came into the living room a few minutes later and said he was sorry that he got mad at me. He was only trying to make us both feel better. I said thanks, but it can't happen anymore. He asked for a hug before leaving to go play cards, I gave him one, then he said he'd call or just see me when he got back tonight. I didn't say anything back then he left.

I am all cried out now. I feel like I have no more tears left in me. I feel exhausted, scared, lonely, and dead inside. The life I once thought to be all that I wanted and was truly happy with has just been ripped from my hands and heart again. Obviously the first time was finding out about his A. When H walks out the door for the last time, I believe it will be just that - the last time. I love him more than anyone or anything else, but after hearing that everything we achieved together is not what he wanted at all, EVER, I don't believe there is any chance for us. I don't see any trace of hope.