This is something I have done lately. Let's see all of February my husband and I only had sex once. Then came March and the first week of March we had sex one night. To me it felt like pity sex because I had been complaining a lot. He was so angry and crabby the next day. He certainly didn't seem to be this happy guy who just got laid. So I thought to myself why di I do this to myself. I really started to think about things and just how much this consumes me and has changed me. So that was 3 weeks ago and in the meantime I have let my husband know that he was off the hook. I didn't want sex from him anymore. I told him I needed to work on myself and not let this consume me and hurt me anymore. I told him he could no longer hurt me if I was the one making the decision that our sex life would stop for now. Then I asked him to stop checking up on me a couple weeks ago and told him I understood why he would be insecure because he has not fulfilled me for so long as in the quantity. This angered him soooooooo much. He started screaming about how he wasn't insecure. That he just chose to not have sex with me because he didn't want to.That he could get erections it was all me that caused him to not get one. His erection problem has only happened maybe 4 times in the past 3 years. So in all the way I took it as he see's himself as secure and a normal sex drive,,,,,he just choses not to use it as a weapon and a source to hurt. He said I don't care how you feel. I am not checking up on you I could care less what you do. But lately I have seen some changes. He was angry when I was late from work. Wouldn't dare say anything to me but I could tell. He keeps checking our call history on the I.D. The man hardly ever touches the phone. He was trying the other day to get into one of my old yahoo accounts and has been checking my e-mail. He came to my work and had the kid's run in some movies that weren't even due for another day. So he sure acts like he cares about something but he would be damned to admit he was feeling insecure. I am sure not all men are this difficult.
But it has been three weeks since sex. Normally I would be crawling the walls but I am so content. Maybe it is because I made the decision? Also I am working through a lot of things and stepping back to look at the whole picture. I am going out more even if it is just to shop or go to lunch with a friend. I admit I do feel really lonely and am scared of that feeling. But I don't feel trapped because I made the decision. Therefore I don't feel as much anger and resentment towards him right now. Maybe he is curious as to why I seem to be happier?
But I am seeing so much more we need to work on. Not just sexual issues but many more. Like respect and communication. Expecially communicating our needs. Like I realized I even can be a bad communicator. LOL I talk a whole lot. But it's in the way I convey it. Like this weekend I had been asking my husband to recaulk the bathtub. It looked terrible because the caulk was turning black. I had asked for weeks and he ignored me. So instead of causing a big huge fight or nagging as he would call it I just decided to handle the situation. I called my dad and asked him if he would do it for me. Which of course he was happy to do and came over right away. I explained to husband nicely that my dad was coming to do it and I had asked him but didn't get a response and I didn't want to nag so just took action and got a job done that needed to be. I thought he would be ticked I called my dad. I think deep down he must have felt bad because he didn't leave my dad's side as he was working.But at least I didn't nag and didn't fight.
Has anyone else ever tried to step back from the situation?
Yes, I did almost the same thing you did years ago. It took H several years to act like he even cared, or maybe he just didn't notice till then, lol, but I think they can just tell when you give up. Maybe your H will come to you and want to talk about it all. With your change in attitude one would think H would have to either change or just accept it, right?
Cally It hit me big time over the last two weeks. 1. when he got so angry, after me initiating sex, that I actually thought he was going to hit me, and I go very frightened. 2. Last week he told me that I was as annoying as the pain in his back, that gutted me beyond belief.
So the day after I stayed home from work. I decided that this was just not worth it anymore. The sex we have is no longer quality sex, and now it has been 7 months since we had sex. Last year we only had sex 3 x's, I refuse to call it love making any more, because it isnt, it gets to such a point that I am climbing the walls so much that I feel he gives pity sex, which cannot be classed as ml, I have to do all the work. So the question I asked myself was...Why do I want to have sex with this man?.....well the answer that came back was because I dont sleep around, and am a one man woman, he is the only man I will have sex with. But its too much hard work, Love making, sex or whatever you want to call it is something you share with someone together, and both want it. Well he doesnt, so I have given up, I have thrown all the condoms away, this is a big thing for me because even it I 'fell off the wagon' then I couldnt do anything anyway. I have to say that this week as been brilliant for me, I have only cried about the situation, usually around 4/5 x's a week. I have left him to make his own tea, and sort himself out. If he questions anything down the line, I will ask him to look at our back garden *negleted, weedy, uncared for(I hate gardening)* I will then ask him why its like that....I will then say well thats just like our relationship, you get back what you put in, and this is what you are left with...deal with it!!
then I couldnt do anything anyway.