Just wanted to check in with you after a few months hiatus from the board. I'm really happy for you. I'm not that surprised, really. It seemed that you were doing all the right things and continued to communicate with your W, even if that communicating was difficult at times.
My W and I have sex about once a month. The first time, around November, she initiated, but I have done so each time since. I would love it the frequency to increase, but I rarely have the panic that I used to feel that I was stuck in a loveless marriage. Nowadays, when we argue, it rarely spirals into excessive anger. Perhaps I have lost some of the resentment that I previously felt, so I know when to shut up.
Once, when I was making my moves in the bed, she said, "You don't pay attention to my breasts any more." There is a message I heard loud and clear. I'll make sure she doesn't have that concern any time soon.
Even though I haven't posted in a while, I have been having pretend conversations about my M with all my friends here on the BB. That may sound kind of weird, I know. It's therapeutic, though.
mandksdad. Good to hear something is moving foward for you. Paying attention to certain parts is difficult when you might feel like you are going to strike out. Sometimes one gets so many negitive messages, they all hint of distain of being touched anywhere. I have been there too. It's good she said something.
Quote: I have been having pretend conversations about my M with all my friends here on the BB. That may sound kind of weird, I know. It's therapeutic, though.
What is wrong with real messages on the bb? It still is an open forum.
What is your next baby step? How is the exercise program going?
Hairy, How do you feel the marriage counseling is going?
Do you feel it has been worthwhile, so far?
I've always been intrigued by MC but never gone. During the time that we needed it most, MrHP would not go unless it was a Catholic counselor. I had a toddler and a baby and no time to make 100 phone calls, inquiring into people's religion. Sigh. He has since relaxed a bit, thank goodness.
Anyway, just wanted to get your perspective on the whole deal.
Hi mandksdad -- Hey, once a month ain't so bad. And I totally envy you the "no attention to my breasts" comment. I hope your progress continues, and that your frequency and intensity continue to increase. It's good to hear from you. And I often have the feeling of the SSM board standing behind me, whispering in my ear while I'm communicating with my W. Although, HP and JJ keep on goosing me.
HP - MC is going pretty well. I articulated an important point to my W yesterday in our session. Without having anything but the most nominal shows of physical affection from her, I teeter on the edge of mere existence, and when she criticizes me, I tumble down, fully believing that she must really not love me. If she truly loved me, wouldn't she kiss and hug and want to ML more? Well, no, apparently, because that's not her love language. So when we have an argument and I'm deep in the pit of "she doesn't love me," it always surprises me when she says that she does. How can she love me when I just let her down? But she does, indeed, love me.
This concept is one of the keys of the relationship, because, when I grew up, my parents were somewhat aloof, although I watched the disappointment they exhibited when my older brother "let them down." This is why I was always the "good kid," the overachiever. I knew that, even though they weren't falling all over themselves praising me or giving me lots of attention, they must love me because I wasn't getting the disapproval my older brother was getting.
So, when W shows me her disapproval, I automatically think that I'm the "target child" in the family. I have to get over that.
Meanwhile, based on her father's disapproval and untrustworthiness (outright lying) to her, I have to be honest and accepting of her in order to make her feel safe. No more lies...even little white ones. It doesn't make a difference if I lie about something big, say, my crack addiction (just kidding), or something little, like whether I gave the dogs their pills. I need to tell her everything, even if I know she will chide me for it. Chiding or whatever, she still loves me. I have to get that in my head. Because, if I don't tell her the truth about everything, this will confirm for her that men, just like her dad, are lying jerks. And it calls into question everything I say to her.
Showing interest in her activities and opinions is a big thing, too. Accepting her for who she is, even if I differ in my opinion (and don't be afraid to share that difference), these are some of the keys.
We're working on it, and MC has helped, big time. We still have a long way to go, but at least we're headed in the right direction.
Hairdog
p.s. to HP: Best of luck with the surgery next week. I'll be thinking of you.
Just kind of wondering, is their like a plan that you all have to address problems for both of you. Is there like a roadmap that is being followed. Maybe you have not commented about everything, but it sounds like your concentrating on HER needs so far. Are they addressing your needs?
HD, Very interesting. You know, I see a TON of my husband in what you wrote about yourself. His niche, too, was the Good Son. Can you direct me to more enneagram 6 stuff? I found the basic link but I could never find the part where it says, This is what it's like when a 6 is married to a 7...etc.
I'm glad MC is going well for you guys. This is the most hopeful I think you've ever sounded!
Thanks for your thoughts on the surgery. I'm in a world of hurt today since we fooled around the other night. You know...you play, you pay sorta thing. I just sneezed and my sore insides are now cryin.
CeMar: Our "assignments" are for us to talk for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week. We are to take turns initiating these talks. That is good for both of us. The other assignment is for her to be more physically affectionate with me. She agreed that she needs to work on this, and I believe she is trying harder in this area.
HP: The best book on the enneagram couples is by Riso and Hudson, "Understanding the Enneagram." I'm sure if you use Google, you can find some of the same info. Oh... here's a good one.
Thank you! That was so eery in its accuracy that I have now taken to badgering H to take the enneagram test again. I am now certain that he is a sexy six, just like you.
