Okay Doc, you've made at least one good point, and you've missed some targets. The good point that you made: 1. Stop trying to find the "right" way to be and how to say things to keep her from finding out about the real you. Absolutely. I think this is good advice, and it's all about being genuine and honest with myself.
The missed targets: 1. I think you do pretend. Her observation was that, during the MC sessions, I am putting on a performance. If anything, I am more "myself" during the sessions, because I feel safer in that environment than I do in my own house. I am not pretending.
2. Don't make jokes when you feel uncomfortable. I value humor, and realize I sometimes use it as a coping skill. I don't use it to deflect or change the subject. I don't think I overuse it with my W. A lot of my humor comes out here in this forum, because it tends to foster that branch of my creativity.
3. Resist the urge to come here to diss your W (or get others to do it for you) instead of telling her upfront and IN PERSON how you really feel. I don't come here to diss my wife. Rather, I come here for a reality check. For example, when she says that she wants me to share my intimacy, and I have no idea what she means and ask her to give me a clue, and she refuses; I want to be able to come to a third party and say, "am I crazy, but is her request a tad unreasonable?" I come here for validation. I come here for the weird sense of anonymous community. I come here to see how other people's situations are similar and different and worse than or better than mine. And Stop looking for just the right putdown. ?? It's not putdowns that I am looking for. It is approaches. It is statements that might help her understand me. I really don't think I ever have seriously "put down" my W. We often joke back and forth with each other in a teasing way, but I certainly don't think I've ever said anything to her meant to put her down.
4. Seems like whenever your W may have hit a nerve, you come here looking for folks to tell you how wrong she is. And you stay stuck. So turn that upside down. What if she's right? I'm not sure how long you've been a lurker, JL, but I had operated for the first 3 or 4 years of the relationship under the assumption that she was right, and that what she said was gospel. Lately, through the help and guidance provided by books, this board, and trusted friends, I have begun to see that her view of reality is not always accurate, sometimes downright wrong, and that I need to gather strength to show her that her view is not the only one. As I said earlier, I come her for reality checks, and for a shot of courage once in a while, and yes, a place to vent, too. But my goal is not to tear her down and build me up. My goal is to build our current trainwreck of a marriage into something that works for both of us.
5. You've got good impression management skills. I'm not even sure what you mean by this. If you mean I have a gift of making a good impression, and that my wife doesn't, you're just wrong. If you mean something else, please educate me. "Impression management skills" is not a term I've heard before.
Doc, I like your opinions generally, and I think you've definitely got some good points to make, but I think your post was a bit harsh, and a big bit off the mark. But keep 'em coming.
