Glad to hear that you brought it up and got the MC to show that it isn't two against one. It's a step forward, even though it may look like a small step on the way to the top of Everest. Glad to see you know it will be a process.
Also the MC my spouse and I saw was a lesbian, and neither of us had a problem with that and found that she had insights that really helped.
((((a discreet manly hug))))))
Scott -Who is headed for a SF con this weekend. Time to check out the cute Klingons, not!
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Y hell, whatta ya know, at boy gotta pair atter all. :-)
You done good.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
W called my statements at the counselor's office yesterday a "performance." Using the enneagram, she explained that a Type 6, when under stress, goes to Type 3, the performer, which apparently fully explains my actions. Sigh. She wants me to stop putting on a performance for the MC. She said that I go there and act all concerned, contrite, willing to change, willing to work for the M, but that it is just a performance, and that when I come home, my actions do not jive with my words to the MC.
She said that I am just trying to convince the MC (and myself) that I am the one who is the good guy, and that she is the bad guy, so that when I walk away from the M, I can have a clear conscience. So I can tell people that I went to counseling, tried to make it work, but that W wouldn't work on it.
Of course I defended myself, HOM, and remained as calm as possible throughout her whole diatribe. Even as I was doing this, she accused me of "performing" the role of calm patronizer. So, how does one argue/discuss something with someone, when your very method of trying to discuss is called into question? I just figured that she was trying to bait me into escalating into yelling, but I wasn't going there. As dear Corri would put it, "don't step into her sh!t."
She said that she needed to feel loved by me, that she doesn't, yet she refused to give me any specific guidance on how to do that. Meanwhile, she told me to stop pressuring her, stop demanding things of her, and stop "performing."
She said that I must think everything wrong with our marriage is her fault. I disagreed. I began to list my contributions to the state of the M. "My lack of assertiveness, my resentment, my anger, my shortcomings in the integrity area..." She interrupted and said, "and your fear of intimacy." H: Fear of intimacy? You mean emotional intimacy, right? W: Yes. When was the last time that you tried to engage me in intimate conversation? When you shared something about yourself with me? H: I try to do that all the time. W: I don't think you do. And until I see that, we aren't going to get any better.
She really focused on this, and I realized that this is the latest area of "What Hairdog Needs To Do Before I Will Consider Physical Intimacy." This, along with, be more "spiritual," be more perfect in my housekeeping methods, be less pressuring, be more romantic, etc. Stepping a bit into her sh!t, I asked her what I could do to foster this "sharing of intimacy." She told me to figure it out. I pressed harder.
H: You just told me that I need to be more emotionally intimate, and that, until I do, we aren't going anywhere. I am asking you what things you expect to see. W: You're a smart guy. H: Well, wait a second. I am trying to give you a chance to tell me, specifically, what you want to see from me in order for us to progress. W: It's like when I ask you to apologize and you say "I'm sorry." The apology means nothing if I have to ask for it. Likewise, me telling you exactly what to do to be more intimate is going to mean nothing, when you just do what I tell you to do. H: I'm not asking you to tell me exactly what to do. I'm asking for some guidance, some "types" of things you'd like to see, maybe some examples of things I've done in the past. W: I don't know. H: Well, you're saying that you'll be the judge and jury on whether I'm being intimate, and you're not giving me any help on the kind of evidence you want to see. W: Judge? That's right, (sarcasm) I'm the judge, I'm the jury, it's all my fault....
etc., etc.,
Finally, she cried "tulip!" which is our new, MC-assigned code word for "Stop! This is going nowhere and you're hurting me." So I stopped.
This morning, I left without saying "I love you" to her.
She just called and said, "you left without saying that you loved me."
We had a conversation about it, about how I think that, after a night of unresolved arguing, my "I love you's" ring hollow in both of our ears, even though I still feel that I love her. She said that, especially after fights, she needs to know that I still love her, and that she really needs to hear it.
I know we'll talk more tonight. Even after last night's argument, I still feel good about me, about my "performance" at the MC's office , and about the stuttering progress we're making.
It's like trudging through a blinding blizzard sometimes.
I'm no really smart person on all this, but sounds to me like the pot is being shaken? Isn't that a good thing? Means she has to think about her own actions. Sounds to me like she is scared, real scared of the change, and that you are holding your own HD. (((hugs))) to you
Annette: I'd say that's an accurate statement. The pot is definitely shaking. I'm just hoping we end up with a nice stew, and not an empty pot with a bunch of burnt beans on the bottom that you have to soak in the sink and... and... Jenny, could you help me out with this analogy?
Did the MC not mediate this conversation? In what you wrote I saw several opportunities to the MC to help clarify to your W that she should let you know what it is she would like to see...otherwise she's leaving you to flounder in the dark, throwing darts at balloons w/a blindfold on so-to-speak. I mean....how are you supposed to know if you are even getting close to what she wants to see, if she won't share that w/you. It's not fair to sit as judge & jury on someone when they have no idea what the expectations (in general) are.
Let me clarify, GEL. The conversation about my "perfomance" happened last night, right before bed. The MC session went quite well, but we didn't bring her home with us to mediate.
And yes, I intend to get some specifics out of her.
, and about the stuttering progress we're making.