I think everyone has made good points to you today.
Your tendency will be to wimp out. No offense intended.
No fear, HD. Don't let fear rob you of a well earned breakthrough with your wife.
Be honest with the marriage counsellor.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
While you're in there, just picture the meter running and make sure you get your money's worth. If you're going to let your W run the show and call the shots (and other similar metaphors ), you might as well sit home and do that for free. You're going to C because you want CHANGE. Good luck! We're all pulling for you!
Quote: It sounds to me like your wife wants to be in complete control of you. You already know this. I really think this is all coming from a place that she is losing that control so now she is going to make excuses. Instead of looking into herself and see why she needs to be in total control.
I wonder. She's had control over him for quite some time. She hasn't been feeling very sexual toward him. She hasn't been very happy with him. She hasn't changed anything while she's had control over him.
I think that she is always trying to prevent progress in your relationship. Most likely she does this becuase their are demons in her head that she might have to face. So she trys to reign you in. She wants you to stop telling the counselor "everything" so that your sessions don't get any closer to the demons that she wants to keep buried. She is starting to feel REAL uncomfortable. This is her problem, not yours.
I say tell the counsoler anything that you might find relevant. How can couselling possibly help if you don't give them the whole truth, no matter how hard it maybe to hear?
Don't have much in the way of advice, but just wanted to add my support.
Stand firm, hairy!! Don't let her attempts change what you know to be true. It does sound like she's fighting change - and I know just how hard it can be to give in and give her what she wants to 'keep the peace'. Just remember that you know now that that won't get you anywhere.
Well, I did confront her about the "confidentiality" issue. She mentioned something about the conversation we had last night, and the MC asked me what my take was. I turned to W and said, "I have no idea what I'm supposed to say. I don't know what is allowed and what isn't." W looked clueless, and I just kind of let it pour out. I stated that MC isn't our friend, that she is a paid professional; that if I had symptoms of AIDS but just mentioned to my doc that I had sprained my ankle, he wouldn't be able to help me, and that I thought I needed to be able to tell MC everything.
I don't have much time to write, so I'll just sum it up and say that I got the issue on the table, that W realizes that I'm not trying to make her out to be the bad guy, that MC is trying to help both of us, and that I think I did a pretty good job of un-hamstringing myself. Yes, I just made up that word.
Thanks for the words of encouragement from everyone. It's all a process, right? No one ever said it would be easy.
Hairdog
W said that she didn't want me to tell MC "her" stories, that it was her role to tell these stories and that she thought I was trying to make W out to be the bad guy, to ally MC against her. MC explained that she would never do that, that she didn't think that was my intent, and that she understood why W might not fully trust her yet.
This led to a discussion of W's demons (thanks, CeMar) and how we needed to address those, and why W slips into patterns of
I too don't have any good advice for you, other than a "stand your ground -- what do you have to lose?" pile-on.
Although we have never (yet) gone together to MC, I can only IMAGINE how much my W would squirm about these very same things. About a month ago, we did go together to talk to a C about our daughter's weight loss, and she was apoplectic! "What are you going to say?" "Why are you going to phrase it THAT way?" "That makes me sound like a bad mother!" etc., etc.
Stuck pigs squeal; for the sake of your marriage, bring your stickers.
Hugs, (you know, a GUY hug, one of those strong, slap-you-on-the-back, not-too-close ones, not any sort of a GAY hug or anything... not that there's anything wrong with that mind you . . .)
), you might as well sit home and do that for free. You're going to C because you want CHANGE. Good luck! We're all pulling for you!