HD, reading your post made me want to scream! Your W is one tough nut to crack. You're just going to have to say what you need to say and if she gets mad, she gets mad. Something has to break the deadlock you're in. If I were you, I'd be tempted the next time the two of you go in to totally rat her out. Something like (and this is in front of your wife): "Wife really got mad at me that I told you she felt attacked. I'd like to talk about that today and clear the air." Just haul it out and slap it on the table.
Your W is one terrified, controlling human being. Your task is to let her get really mad and see that it doesn't destroy you-- that in fact it doesn't hurt you one bit. I would recommend Undefended Love (I know: one MORE book-- but I think this is the LAST relationship book you will ever need). You are not CAUSING her to get mad-- the anger has been in her for a long time; you are triggering it. And as you point out, your talking makes her mad, your not talking makes her mad. In fact, if there's one thing that you've learned, it's that no matter what you do, you can't STOP her from being mad. That alone should convince you that her anger is totally outside your control.
But on the flip side: your fear of her anger is totally your responsibility (and therefore, happily, totally within your control). She does not MAKE you uncomfortable or scared or whatever you get when she's mad. It was already in you from the past and she triggers it. You selected a partner who WOULD trigger those feelings so you would have the opportunity and challenge of healing that part of you. Her anger cannot damage you. Feeling uncomfortable will not kill you. Her being in a snit doesn't have to ruin your day. I guess that's something else you've learned over the years; you don't die from what she does to you.
I think you need to take the item "Keep W from getting mad at me" totally OFF your daily to-do list. As one boss of mine used to say, "She'll just have to get glad in the clothes she got mad in."
