NY, I really do appreciate your insight and it makes me take another look at things sometimes. The thing is (and maybe this is something I have to get over) if someone comes up to me on the street and gives me a good stiff kick to the groin and looks at me on the ground laughing, I don't think I forgive that person for the wrong he committed. If that makes me less of a person, whether in God's eyes or in other peoples eyes, I can't help that.
At the risk of being flippant (which is not my intention), I understand that Jesus was perfect but I'm not. I never will be. So for me to sit and look in the mirror , or even look into my WAW's eyes and say that I forgive her for what she has done...it's not going to happen, not now at least.
But your W didn't really come up to you and start kicking your groin, that's saying that what she did was intentional just to hurt you, and it wasn't. That hurt and devastation was a tremendous repercussion of what she did, but WASs do these things because of the pain they have that they're trying to escape, not because they want to hurt you. It's "victim thinking" to think that's what they're about.
While scripture maintains that Christ was perfect and we're not, scripture also says to emulate him and put on his thinking, right? So it must be do-able. Anyway, I was just making a point about how to view forgiveness, really. I'm not a bible thumper or really even into religion other than a study of it many years ago. It's that when these christian counselors want to adhere to their understanding of biblical protocol regarding forgiveness makes me wonder why they overlook the example I gave and make it more difficult for their patients to heal. In your case, the counselor is advocating that you adhere to an example of how God forgives sins, and though admittedly you find Christ's example difficult to live by, how the hell are you supposed to live by God's? You need to be forgiving in a way that actually works for you. You're not in the business of forgiving sins anyway, you're in the business of forgiving people. Scripturally, Christ is recorded as saying to forgive your enemies ... Oh for crying out loud, when do enemies show remorse and repentance?... and to heap love on top of bad things done to you. Other things that come to mind are, remove the timber from your eye first, who can cast the first stone, and a ton of others ... aren't these all about accepting the human condition as a flaw that affects us all and not being righteous and angry towards others?
I'm not trying to poke at your belief system. The point is that you can't heal without forgiving, if forgiving means that you let go of the hurt. Somehow, people equate letting go of the hurt as meaning they condone the actions of the WAS, and so therefore maintain this righteousness that the WAS has to express remorse before they can be forgiven. But what happens if the WAS never expresses remorse or expresses it less then the way you'd need it to be expressed? Then it suggests that the hurt is never let go of, and that results in keeping a wound alive indefinitely. And in your case, to be honest brother, you keep your wound quite well, and it keeps festering and manifesting as anger and obsession. I see it. You may think you're moving on, but you're doing so while forming a big old scar on your heart. That's not good. Why should your healing yourself be so dependant on what others do or don't do? It doesn't have to be like this for you.
School is getting crazy with the end of the year here, so I am not posting as much.
H is gruuuuumpy. I am hoping it is because he is ending it with ow. Whew, moody is an understatement. I am working hard on not reacting to him and keeping my PMA up.
I am reading a book called Restore My Marriage which is awesome. (Thanks Beth!!)It has alot of the principles as DB but with a biblical basis. It says not to pursue, beg, love unconditionally, be kind, gentle. It is helping me. I wouldn't have gotten this far without God.
H is making the effort to say bye in the mornings and help with the kids a little more. Baby steps!!
He goes for counseling again today.
Wish everyone well and you are in my prayers. Sherry
I am glad you are reading the "Restore Your Marriage" book. It , along with the other materials, continue to help me every day. I am not visiting this site much anymore, but do have your thread along with a couple others saved and I get the updates in my email. Have you joined RMI's fellowship and gotten an epartner? I encourage you to if you haven't already! In three short weeks, my epartner feels like my best friend and I get tremendous encouragement from her. I will continue to pray for your restoration!
Beth
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
I havent been posting as much either...Maybe an acceptance of the sitch who knows. But I wanted to say I am glad that you found strength in your sitch. This is such a trying time for all of us, and I know I have done my share of falling to pieces, but feel much stronger these days. Keep up the PMA...It is for your benefit and your kids, regardless of H.
I am always thinking of you even if I dont get a chance to post.
Things are about the same. H is still very moody and grumpy. I am trying to be happy and am not reacting to any of it. He went for another counseling session and hasn't talked about it with me. Didn't expect him to. He has to work through this in his way.
He is helping out in the mornings a little more and still giving me a hug and kiss.
Earlier in the week, H emailed me a funny picture. For various reasons I didn't respond ( I had planned on it and then got interrupted. We get home and he asks, did you get my email? I said yes it was funny. He said you didn't respond. I tried to explain but he just cut me off and said whatever ( a new favorite word of his). Funny.
Things are about the same. H is still very moody and grumpy. I am trying to be happy and am not reacting to any of it. He went for another counseling session and hasn't talked about it with me. Didn't expect him to. He has to work through this in his way.
He is helping out in the mornings a little more and still giving me a hug and kiss.
Earlier in the week, H emailed me a funny picture. For various reasons I didn't respond ( I had planned on it and then got interrupted. We get home and he asks, did you get my email? I said yes it was funny. He said you didn't respond. I tried to explain but he just cut me off and said whatever ( a new favorite word of his). Funny.
Hey Beth, how is your sitch??? I have been wondering about you. You can email me if you want. I would like to know how you are doing with Restore Your Marriage .
. It sounds like you are doing well staying on track.
!