We talked. He said that everyone is on my side and that noone has asked why he would do this. Duh... It is wrong and they are not going to side with you. I didn't say that, just thought it. I tried to explain how hurt his family was. I explained that they don't like the way he is doing things. The would have understood if you were having problems in your M and you divorced then started another R. His dad basically told him that. I told him that they will support him even if they don't agree with how he has done things.

Just a suggestion, but rather than telling him how everyone else feels or thinks, ask him what he thinks everyone else may be feeling and thinking. makes him think for himself, which may be more effective in getting a thought across. For example:

He said that everyone is on my side and that no one has asked why he would do this. And so I asked him, "why do you think that may be?"

He also doesn't think I can forgive him. I asked him why would I be here if I couldn't do that.

You're asking him to go into your mind and figure out your motives. This is the same logic as when the W says, "You don't love me!" and the H says, "I'm here with you, aren't I?" In this case it's "You can't forgive me!" and "I'm here, aren't I?" Oh, c'mon Sheryl, just tell him, "I do forgive you. You had your reasons for doing what you did, and you made mistakes and I made mistakes. I understand that. We're only human. I can forgive you."

He again brought up things I had done in the M. I again apologized to him.

Here's where I'd say "stop". If you've apologized before for these things, you need not continually apologize just because he's bringing them up. He shouldn't be re-opening these issues, that's not going to move you guys forward if you're always going over the past. I think you need to help him put a stop to that raising of old issues by saying something like, "we've already gone over that... many times... I've apologized and really don't intend on going back there again. Can we lay that to rest now? It's in the past, and I'd sincerely like to move forward. Wouldn't you?"


Then I asked him, why can't you forgive me?

Do that, and maybe he'll think of all the reasons why he feels he can't forgive you. You lead the way by being forgiving and loving, rather than ask pointed questions.

I am sure he perceived it as an argument but it wasn't really.

But they say perception is everything. If that's his perception of your 'discussion", then he'll see it as the two of you having had an argument.

I posted a few days ago on someone's thread this thought: We tend to minimize the impact of our behavior on others, we discount the effect we have. At the same time, we magnify the impact of others' behaviors on us. The things is, the other person is doing the same thing. They are discounting the impact of their behavior on us, while magnifying the impact our behavior has on them.

This is so confusing. First he doesn't think I can forgive him and goes on about how terrible our M was then he seems sincere about counseling and is willing to go to M counseling.

He's probably confused and it shows. Conflicted. But those are baby steps, aren't they? That's not a bad thing. Let him work it out, you just stay focused on the major plan and stay on track with it and lovingly, subtly guide him home like a beacon.