My H has a temper as well, as he has gotten older, its been slightly better, but it doesn't take much to turn him into instant assh**e, just add situation. Traffic, work, anyone messing with his money, or not kow-towing to his immediate wish could do it.He can be patient, but it is not long lasting patience . He can also be quite kind and generous And it doesn't always have to be a big deal to set it off either- When we were sep, we had to go to the bank to get something notorized.The girl there said that they could not notorize that kind of document, and while I was annoyed, cause we had to wait a half hour to find this out, I knew we could go up the stree to have it done. Well,H starts ranting that he was a customer and a notary is a notary, and maybe he wasn't getting all the service he was told he was gonna get, ... P.S. we end up walking out of the bank, which was pretty quiet by now, and H says loudly "stupid b*tch. this f-ing bank sucks". I was embarrassed to say the least. Hey,I've gone off on people in public too when I've been wronged, but this was way over the top. I used the drive-up window for a few weeks after that. Lots of times these guys don't even know what is amking them angry, and lash out at anything. I got used to what levels of anger he had and when to just go into another room for a while, or when I could try to help him with it. When we were first married, he struck me 2 seperate times and tried to choke me once(we were living upstairs from his folks they heard a commotion and pulled him off me-that was the last time he ever did that again) We were 18 at the time and neither one of us was probably equipped to deal with marriage, much less tempers and his jealousy/control issues. My concern here is that you and the kids need an escape route, if he gets too angry. Letting family members know of this problem is good, and them witnessing it is better, so all can help if possible. So many people say nothing about the anger and sometimes it escalates and no one can figure out what happened. My H has a stressful job, and I had to learn over the years to distinguish what was job stress venting anger and I am just being a ass*ole anger. This is not somthing i think needs to be part of a marriage dynamic. Please help him get help, and take care of yourself. Your M will never improve if the only way is you shutting your mouth so that he will not be angry.
PLEASE check out restoreministries.net. I just discovered it last week. Before going there, I felt exactly as you did. Did not care about my H (or thought that was the case). My H would also lose it and exhibit a lot of anger. I am not saying things are better yet, but I ordered the Resource packet from them, it came in 2 days, and I went away for the weekend to read it all. I would highly recommend their book "How God can and will restore your marriage". It will change your life, I promise you!! I now know all of the things I have been doing wrong and MY part in the problems we have been having. Even if my H does end up leaving, I know God is in control and things are not hopeless (I know you may be feeling like you don't care right now, but this book may help you realize you do!).
Just give it a try, please!?!
Beth
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
D, as long as I keep my emotions in check everything is fine. His reactions (extreme ones anyway) are usually in response to me. I am not saying it is right, but that is how it is right now. I am hoping counseling will help.
Sporster, I know that keeping my mouth shut isn't a solution. I am just willing to do that for now, until school is out. I will regroup then. My kids have seen and heard to much, unfortunately. I want the last five weeks of school to be as normal as possible for them. We will see what is to happen then.
To everyone else, I can express enough my gratitude for your concern. Sun, you are right, we are family. Even though I haven't posted much on my sitch or anyone elses, I have been reading and keeping up with all of you. I just haven't felt like I have much to offer right now.
I will work on my PMA. GAL will be hard because I don't think I will leave the kids with H right now. So anything I do, they will do to. Gotta get back to the gym, been too long. I will also start looking for positives again. And most definately, continue to detach, which I think I have down. It didn't upset me too much when I left. I got more upset this weekend at what this did to his family and their support for me. It visibly upset his parents and aunt. They are very disappointed. They stood up to him and told him so much of what I have already said. Hopefully, he heard some of it, since it didn't come from me. He really respects his parents.
So, positives... H gave me a hug and kiss last night when I went to bed and he stayed up to do his grades. He woke when my alarm went off this morning and I got another hug. I went out with a friend..okay we took the kids to McDs but I didn't get home until 8. H had been napping (he stayed up late to do grades) and woke up when we got home, came out and talked for awhile. Sunday night he came out and joined the fam as we watched a movie (one of my gripes is that he doesn't spend enough time with us--all his hobbies are done alone).
Beth, I will check out that website. I need all the help I can get!!!
Russ, you hang in there, too.
NY, I hope you are right.
Soccermom and JV, thanks for keeping tabs and checking in.
I know this is tough. My sitch was never quite as extreme considering there was no PA but....my H did move out. I know you've read some of my posts and there were a lot of days where i was wondering why the hell I was sticking around and I knew I deserved better, somebody that really loved me. We still have a long way to go but things are much better now, as a matter of fact I told my SIL that I'm starting to feel like my H likes me again.
You keep pressuring yourself with a timeframe, I did the same thing...this has to be resolved before I move, before we put the house on the market. Go back to what you were doing before the "move."
Quote: as long as I keep my emotions in check everything is fine. His reactions (extreme ones anyway) are usually in response to me.
This goes back to things not feeling natural, but you have to continue to focus on you and make yourself happy. Get back to the gym, not that I know first hand but I hear that excercise relieves stress and I know it will help you feel and look better.
You are #1, take care of you. If you don't take care of you it is hard to take care of your kids and they need you!
I always feel better when I list the positives. Hopefully he will follow through with counseling and you guys can move forward.
Asked H if he wanted a quickie this morning (sorry if I offended anyone) He said okay. Now, early on after the bomb, there was no morning --- H said it made him toooo tired. Weird, how it didn't before, hmmm... Well, not to go into too much detail, we didn't get to finish---life---KIDS I must have looked sad, cuz H gave me a hug, then another, then a brief massage.
I was running late as usual. I ran out the door with a "Bye". H followed us out and I got another hug and kiss. Very unusual.
Evenings are hard, H plays on the computer, goes on looong bike rides, and plays drums. All activities you do by yourself. But, I am "acting as if" it doesn't bother me. I have the kids and they are awesome!!!
Stay strong...You are doing well as hard as it is. My H does alot of things by himself too, things he always used to include me in on...But maybe your H is taking these times to reflect on what he is doing...Could be a good thing.
Gosh....I am jealous. I would love to have half of a quickie...lol...but my WAS would say that i forced him. My H wants to be faithful to the OW....sickening! You go girl. I am so proud of your progress....keep it up! (Well, your spirits that is )
Now, early on after the bomb, there was no morning --- H said it made him toooo tired. Weird, how it didn't before, hmmm...
I must have looked sad, cuz H gave me a hug, then another, then a brief massage.
(Sorry, I coundn't resist).