I have not been posting or coming on the baord as much for various reasons. One is that I have neglected work and it is the time of year when it really gets crazy. So, I haven't been getting on as much at work. Another reason is that I have been spending more time with the kids outside since the weather is nice.
Lately I have been questioning everything. The thing is that I don't question H and ow too much anymore. If ow pops in my head I can easily push it out but recently I just tell myself you know what it doesn't matter and I just don't care. I feel like I am starting to get resentful and bitter about this whole thing. I am just tired (physically and emotionally). I find that I don't reach out to him anymore for hugs, kisses, etc. What scares me is that it doesn't bother me too much. My thoughts are I am pretty much a single mom anyway with him home, what would be so different with him gone? That thought doesn't bother or scare me like it used to.
H has been coming home earlier this week. This morning I was sniffing alot (nose trouble, not crying). H asked what's wrong I said nothing. He asked again and I said nothing. As we are getting ready and pass each other he reaches out and hugs me (which is rare these days). As he is ready to get in the shower (usually he is done by the time we leave but not today) he comes to say goodbye and gives me another hug and a kiss (this is also rare). I used to always seek him out when we left in the morning and hug him bye. I haven't done that in a few weeks. I just leave or say bye now. I feel myself pulling away from him to protect myself.
Last night he asked if he could go no a bike ride. I said yes but not to be too long it was close to 6 and we hadn't eaten. He said okay (he has taken hour long bike rides before). Well after 30 minutes pass, I fix dinner for me and the kids (not H-this is a first in a long time). He rolls in 25 minutes later as I finish dinner. He asks where his dinner is, I said I didn't know when you would get home. He started in about his ride and how time got away from him. I get the kids set up and I go outside to eat by myself. H follows me out there and keeps talking. He goes to make his dinner but keeps coming back out to talk. He then eats out there with me. Sometimes I just want to scream at him I don't want to be your buddy but your wife, treat me like one. But, I dont.
I don't know anymore. I think I am just tired of all this. Keeping everything inside, making nice while he is doing his thing. Maybe I am just in a funk.
Sorry I haven't posted on too many peoples post lately. I have been reading but don't feel like I have much to offer right now.
