I am okay. I guess I am in a little slump. H has been great and it really has me confused. I can't reconcile what he has said over the last 4 months to what is happening now. Crazy, huh?
Sometimes it feels like he is DBing me. He has been different at home--definately not as angry, really positive and happy. I guess I am wondering if it is all real.
This morning, I was upset. Don't really know why. He asked if I was okay. I started crying. He asked what is wrong. I just said you don't want to know. I was typing a letter trying to sort out my feelings when he came in and asked. He asked me to come and sit on the bed with him. I did and left the letter up on the screen. He asked if I wanted him to read it. I said I don't know. He got up and read it.
The letter basically said that I was confused. I didn't know how or what I felt anymore. That I have a daily inner battle of staying or leaving, of having a hard time with what he has said in the past (how she was the reason he was able to be happy at home {this was early on in an R talk} and how he didn't know if he could chase me again with how he was acting now. I told him I didn't even care anymore what was going on with him and her and didn't want any details. I keep pulling away a little each day and acting like I am a single mother to protect myself from more pain. (He had mentioned last night how I had gone out to eat twice without him this week). I told him that I am preparing for the worst and not hoping for anything.
Anyway, he read it. He said he was putting the brakes on his R with ow but it was like stopping a train, it would take a while (he gave no details and I didn't ask). He said if he let the train just crash, it would have a ripple effect and he was trying to avoid that. ???? He said he has felt happy at home for the most part and it hasn't been an act. He said his trying to comfort me (he has a few times this week) has been genuine. He also said he has seen glimpses of his old feelings for me. I didn't say alot (not active DBing, just plain worn out emotionally). I did cry a litle more and he reached out and hugged me.
One good thing was it was a short R talk. I left with D to get out for awhile. He was gone with S when I got home. Since he has been home he has gone a bike ride. So, haven't really seen him alot since then.
I don't know. I should feel better, but I don't. I guess I am scared to hope. I promised myself I would not have expectations and that I would be prepared if he left again. So, how do you detach and pull away and try to rebuild an R. I guess in my head I can't actively rebuild until I know it is completely over with ow. What happens if I have nothing to give then, if I pull away too much to protect myself?
Feeling better today. Church helped. I think for now I am just going to go with it and see what happens. He really is trying. I can see that and he is definately acting different. So... once again going to try and DB my butt off. Maybe I can make that train stop a little quicker. LOL--
Hey D, the Astros (you know that Houston team) are doing pretty well. Hmmmm...
I'm happy you're doing better! Don't lose your mind over the Astros. It'll always be Enron Field to me!! Please have a positive Monday. I've got to get in bed as I catch a plane home tomorrow morning.
I haven't posted since around christmas time. Mainly because I don't want to post from home anymore, and my work has limited our internet access. I will start a new thread later since my old ones seem to have disappeared.
To make a long story short, the bomb dropped in Feb 04, H said he no longer was in love with me, wanted to see if he could be happy with OW. We kind of separated, but really nothing changed, we still slept in the same bed, had a LOT of physical contact and I d'bd my ass off. It started to work. In November, H told me that he decided that he wanted to stay with me and see if he could 'fall in love' with me again. He said that he still 'loves' OW, but doesn't think they will work out in the end.
He tells me that he needs to do it slowly and to give him time, he says that he is going to be 'difficult' with her.
(in otherwords he wants HER to end it cause he doesn't have the balls to)
He went from seeing her 3 times a week to 2 times a month. He stopped calling her all the time. In the meantime, we got closer, but he was very moody. After 3 months of this I told him that everytime he talks to her or sees her he has to start the whole process of letting her go all over again. That he will not be able to heal. He told me that it is very hard for him (ouch). I told him that he will go through a withdrawal stage for a while before he is able get her out of his system.
He told me that he still 'isn't in love with me' yet. I told him that it is impossible for those feelings to develop when he is still involved with OW.
The past three weeks he has started calling her everyday again, he has also seen her twice. This weekend, I asked him what was going on? He said that he is not 'happy'. I told him again that he can't expect to be yet. He started to blame me for 'everything'. I feel like it is starting all over again - at the beginning he blamed me, then he realized that our relationship failing was both our faults, but the affair was entirely his. Now it's like we have gone full circle and are back to where we were a year ago.
I am so upset and frustrated, I have stepped back from the situation before I panic and do something stupid. I know that I need to d'b very carefully. I think I let the ball drop over the past few months. I let some of my 180's slide, and he noticed. I am trying to rectify the situation but he has already said that he is scared things will go back to the way they were. (damn!).
I asked him if he wanted to end things between us, if he would be happier if I left. He said 'he didn't know'. GREAT. I am very tired of this roller coaster and I will not stay on the ride for too much longer. If he wants to go be with the wh*)e, then maybe I should let him go for real this time - actually live as separated people so that he can really see once and for all who he wants to spend his live with. I will post my own thread and go into more details.
I just wanted you to know that you need to be careful and continue to db. I found it very hard not to have expectations, yet to act as if all if okay.
Your H is moving in the right direction. Take this as a really good sign that he at least sees the possibility that OW is not a good option. He is trying so make the most of it, be the better choice. Hopefully I can get back on track and we will both be able to save our marriages.
Sorry if I am rambling, I have to post quickly.
It is really comforting (although sad) to know that others are in the same situation as myself.
So sorry about your sitch. I do appreciate the words of advice, though. One of my H's concerns through this whole thing has been if I can continue and sustain my 180s. So, I know I have to keep doing them and not let them go. Some are easy but some I have to really think about.
Yesterday through email (he emailed first) I told H I was going to the store after work and asked if he needed anything and told him I was going to Willies to get margurita (bad day at work). So he called on the way home and asked where I was. I told him I had just pulled in at the store. He said you going to eat. I said I don't know. He said it was a good idea he would meet me there. So I am at the store . S wanders away (which he never does) I look for him and he comes back with 2 balls. (now I am thinking this is something H would do, the old H anyway). Sure enough, I find H lurking around a corner, smiling. It was nice that he joined us. He used to things like that all the time, surprise me with just showing up out of the blue.
Sherry It sounds like things are looking up for you and I am so happy. I love to hear that this stuff can work. I think that the grocery store things with your child and the balls was cute. Keep up the good work. Congrats
Slowly and patiently. Right now our weather is really nice. Down here it won't last too long. So I have been outside alot with the kids. H has joined us too which has been really nice, seems like we are a family. Today, he asked (actually asked, before it was I am ...)can I go on a bike ride.
So what do you mean the weather does not last? You are in the sun belt, no? Way up here is Canada, where winter last for 10 months a year....define not nice.....
Last time I drove through Texas (panhandle) it was like 108.
