I haven't posted since around christmas time. Mainly because I don't want to post from home anymore, and my work has limited our internet access. I will start a new thread later since my old ones seem to have disappeared.
To make a long story short, the bomb dropped in Feb 04, H said he no longer was in love with me, wanted to see if he could be happy with OW. We kind of separated, but really nothing changed, we still slept in the same bed, had a LOT of physical contact and I d'bd my ass off. It started to work. In November, H told me that he decided that he wanted to stay with me and see if he could 'fall in love' with me again. He said that he still 'loves' OW, but doesn't think they will work out in the end.
He tells me that he needs to do it slowly and to give him time, he says that he is going to be 'difficult' with her.
(in otherwords he wants HER to end it cause he doesn't have the balls to)
He went from seeing her 3 times a week to 2 times a month. He stopped calling her all the time. In the meantime, we got closer, but he was very moody. After 3 months of this I told him that everytime he talks to her or sees her he has to start the whole process of letting her go all over again. That he will not be able to heal. He told me that it is very hard for him (ouch). I told him that he will go through a withdrawal stage for a while before he is able get her out of his system.
He told me that he still 'isn't in love with me' yet. I told him that it is impossible for those feelings to develop when he is still involved with OW.
The past three weeks he has started calling her everyday again, he has also seen her twice. This weekend, I asked him what was going on? He said that he is not 'happy'. I told him again that he can't expect to be yet. He started to blame me for 'everything'. I feel like it is starting all over again - at the beginning he blamed me, then he realized that our relationship failing was both our faults, but the affair was entirely his. Now it's like we have gone full circle and are back to where we were a year ago.
I am so upset and frustrated, I have stepped back from the situation before I panic and do something stupid. I know that I need to d'b very carefully. I think I let the ball drop over the past few months. I let some of my 180's slide, and he noticed. I am trying to rectify the situation but he has already said that he is scared things will go back to the way they were. (damn!).
I asked him if he wanted to end things between us, if he would be happier if I left. He said 'he didn't know'. GREAT. I am very tired of this roller coaster and I will not stay on the ride for too much longer. If he wants to go be with the wh*)e, then maybe I should let him go for real this time - actually live as separated people so that he can really see once and for all who he wants to spend his live with. I will post my own thread and go into more details.
I just wanted you to know that you need to be careful and continue to db. I found it very hard not to have expectations, yet to act as if all if okay.
Your H is moving in the right direction. Take this as a really good sign that he at least sees the possibility that OW is not a good option. He is trying so make the most of it, be the better choice. Hopefully I can get back on track and we will both be able to save our marriages.
Sorry if I am rambling, I have to post quickly.
It is really comforting (although sad) to know that others are in the same situation as myself.
