I am okay. I guess I am in a little slump. H has been great and it really has me confused. I can't reconcile what he has said over the last 4 months to what is happening now. Crazy, huh?
Sometimes it feels like he is DBing me. He has been different at home--definately not as angry, really positive and happy. I guess I am wondering if it is all real.
This morning, I was upset. Don't really know why. He asked if I was okay. I started crying. He asked what is wrong. I just said you don't want to know. I was typing a letter trying to sort out my feelings when he came in and asked. He asked me to come and sit on the bed with him. I did and left the letter up on the screen. He asked if I wanted him to read it. I said I don't know. He got up and read it.
The letter basically said that I was confused. I didn't know how or what I felt anymore. That I have a daily inner battle of staying or leaving, of having a hard time with what he has said in the past (how she was the reason he was able to be happy at home {this was early on in an R talk} and how he didn't know if he could chase me again with how he was acting now. I told him I didn't even care anymore what was going on with him and her and didn't want any details. I keep pulling away a little each day and acting like I am a single mother to protect myself from more pain. (He had mentioned last night how I had gone out to eat twice without him this week). I told him that I am preparing for the worst and not hoping for anything.
Anyway, he read it. He said he was putting the brakes on his R with ow but it was like stopping a train, it would take a while (he gave no details and I didn't ask). He said if he let the train just crash, it would have a ripple effect and he was trying to avoid that. ???? He said he has felt happy at home for the most part and it hasn't been an act. He said his trying to comfort me (he has a few times this week) has been genuine. He also said he has seen glimpses of his old feelings for me. I didn't say alot (not active DBing, just plain worn out emotionally). I did cry a litle more and he reached out and hugged me.
One good thing was it was a short R talk. I left with D to get out for awhile. He was gone with S when I got home. Since he has been home he has gone a bike ride. So, haven't really seen him alot since then.
I don't know. I should feel better, but I don't. I guess I am scared to hope. I promised myself I would not have expectations and that I would be prepared if he left again. So, how do you detach and pull away and try to rebuild an R. I guess in my head I can't actively rebuild until I know it is completely over with ow. What happens if I have nothing to give then, if I pull away too much to protect myself?
