I hear you D, loud and clear. Those thoughts (do I deserve this) go through my head everyday. But, I do feel like H is trying.
I did a little backslide today that actually turned out to be good and proved he is trying.
I got up and took me and the kids to church (overslept and missed Sunday School). Asked H if he was going to church, he said no. That just made me mad. D4 asked last night if daddy was going to church and again this morning. I just tell her to ask him. Anyway, I am mad, I am thinking, here I am taking OUR kids to church and he is going to call ow. I call and leave a vm (he was in the bathroom when we left, so I knew he wouldn't answer his phone). So, I said, Here is some productive stuff you could do while I am taking OUR kids to church instead of making a certain phone call. I then add, I am tired of being a single mom with you there. I am tired of this crap and want out. I hang up. He calls back after a few minutes and asks did you really think I stayed home to call ow. I said yes. He thens says, listen I am not spiritually ready to go to church yet. He asked have you not noticed that I have been trying, touching you more? I said yes I have noticed. He then says, this is what I planned to do this morning (reading paper, mowing the yard, going on a bike ride.) I was not going to have any rendevous today. I said I am not worried about rendevous. He said or any talking with her today. I just wanted you to know what I had in mind before you got to church and your mind went crazy. Now, this is a 180 for him. I thanked him for that. I also thanked him for not getting mad at my anger. (I had asked him when he returned to at least allow me some anger, emotion from time to time with what was going on especially if he expected me to give him more time to end it).
So, I think this is a good thing even though I let my anger get the better of me. (it is that time of the month, so....). I really do think he is trying. He does seem different, not as angry as before. I am still not getting my hopes up.
