Well...Here is a report on things. Last night was horrible. As I posted yesterday, things came to a head and I made H choose. He chose to leave. I was a mess, called H several times and texted him. Whack me good.
He claims he just slept on her couch and it seems as if he did a lot of thinking.
This morning I texted him once then told myself to stop. Took D4 to the doctor. H called while I was there and was surprised I was there ( I had texted him last night that she had a fever again). He said to call him when I knew something about her. Well... I went to the movies. When we got out, he had left a vm and texted twice. I called him and he was mad that I did not call him right after the doctor. Once he calmed down he told me he felt like he needed to come home. I asked why and again he said he didn't know it just felt like the thing to do. He then tells me he needs the van to take the dog to the vet. I said okay I will go leave it at the house for you and then leave. (He did not want to see my mother at this point). He then says, "Why don't you tell your mother to go home and you and the kids go to the vet with me (it is a 30 minute drive)??????????? I asked why. He didn't know. He then asked if I wanted him to come home. I said you know I do but there are still conditions concerning ow. He said he couldn't do it quickly. (For me that is a positive because it has always been I can't, period). I asked what he meant by that and he didn't know. So I said let me think about it and I will call you back.
I called back when we got home. More of the same type of convo as above. I said I was very confused and wasn't sure what to do, he said he was confused too. When I asked him about ending it and the steps he would take, he again said I dont know. I said, okay we will leave the van for you and be gone when you get here. He said "wait, don't do that." I repeated that I couldn't continue as things were. He couldn't have us both. I suggested us getting together later and talking more, but for now for him to go by himself since he is sure what he wants. He said okay.
Several hours later, after a few texts about his trip to the vet, he calls. He sounds a little different. He is ready to face my mom and wants to talk to her?????? I was get S9's haircut and he met us there. He looks at me for a long time and talks about how stupid this is. I tried to validate him and told him his feelings weren't stupid.
My mom took the kids home and I rode home with H (his suggestion). He did most of the talking. He is finally thinking about the realities of what his R with ow will be. He mentioned things he was concerned about. As hard as it was, I just sat and listened. He actually thanked me for listening.
Right now he is outside talking to my mom. My mom has been through this, my dad did it to her.
I am trying to not get my hopes up. I have apologized to H for my behavior last night and told him I will be okay no matter what. Yes it will be hard but I can make it. I don't want him to make his decision based on how I behaved.
Honestly, this is the last thing I expected today. I was in the process (and am still waiting for a friend to call back) of making plans for tomorrow so I wouldn't be home while he took the kids to his parent's house. I was making plans for the weekend so I wouldn't go crazy without the kids to distract me.
I am proud of myself, I think I did some good DBing today. Validated him alot, said I understand alot. Told him I would be okay no matter what. I did a lot of listening.
He is still confused. But, I think he has really thought about what life will be like with ow and realized it might not be what he thought it would. He told me he still has feelings for her. I asked if he would end it and he said he didn't know how (this is huge--it has always been I cant). I repeated what I wanted and that I could not continue the way things were and that I needed to move on. I told him I did not want him to come back for a little while then leave again, he had to choose. He said he would not leave again.
He sounded different this afternoon. He really talked to me about things and what he is feeling and his doubts about ow and their R (which was sooo hard to sit and listen to, but I did and didn't say much). He talked to my mom, too. He is not sure he can deal with her kids (says her son is a brat), he doesn't like her mother and loves my family (his words today), he is also afraid she would be too dependent on him (and here I have been showing him I can GAL ). I think at this point I think he is just worried about her and how she will do without him. He told my mom that she is terrified of losing him. Wow, she must be very dependent, just last year at this time she had a fiance. My mom told him that ow survived without him before he came along.
Anyway, he did some serious thinking. I think he is still worried about us. He told my mom that I had changed over the last four months but he is worried I can't keep doing it and will regress. My mom told him that it takes two and he would have to work at the M too. He actually agreed with her.
I am going to try and not have expectations at this point. I realize he may not be able to end it with ow and I will be back to square one. I know that just like everything changed today it could change again for the worst.
But, hopefully we slowly starting rebuilding our R now. I will take this slooooow and one day at a time.
Nah, I think you'll be ok. If your changes were easy, as you say, you'll keep 'em up. Wow, when you said that OW is terrified of losing your H, i think that my H's OW has a hold on him now, and I know for a fact that he may have wanted to exit the R with her, But it took her YEARS to get up enough courage to D her H (he beat her and emotionally abused her for years) Now she is hanging on to my H as her support, protector, and friend.If her H came around yelling, she'd call my H before she'd call the police. Maybe he feels that he took her away from her 'security' no matter how screwed up it was and now he is obligated to care for her. Your H may very well not know how to extract himself from this without hurting her. This may sound strange, but thats a good thing. Means he is a human that realizes he has impacted someone elses life. Means that maybe he won't repeat this again cause he saw what havoc it caused in alot of lives. You can help with that. Keep up your changes. Help him ditch her by understanding what may be going on in his head. From your post I really think he wants out of it now. Be a friend. You have set boundaries, he has agreed to them, Thats good. You can get a better R and respect back. Have a great night, you are in my prayers, enjoy your husband SherryL, be thankful for this second chance for both of you to make your M wonderful!
Damn Sherry, I thought you disappeared but I found your new thread(s).
Wow!, can I say what an eventful 72 hours for you! Gone then back. Look, you have been a beacon to me on this board and I don't want to see bad things happen to you. This is why I say (at the risk of being a downer) be careful! I like the way you said that you still have low expectations. Ever since you told me about a month ago to have Zero Expectations, I have been a lot better.
He needs to make it clear that he's done with the OW. If this takes a little time, I understand. But you have to take care of yourself no matter what.
Sherry, you're the best! Look in that mirror, know what I mean?...
Yes, I am going to take this slow with very little expectations. I know because of the way things played out that it could all happen again. Monday and Tuesday were like an episode out of the Twilight Zone. I remember being on the phone with him and then looking at my mom and holding my hands out like what....
I will be a friend and be positive for now and see how things go.
Gotta go get the kids ready for their trip. Not sure if us being here alone for a few days is good or not.
Sorry I haven't checked in on anyones thread in a while, things have just been crazy and I didn't feel like I could be of help to anyone.
Who knows how long this will go on, the important thing Sherry is to continue doing what you were doing. List your goals, both your individual and R, and what you are going to do to get there. You are on the right track.
Quote: I think he has really thought about what life will be like with ow and realized it might not be what he thought it would.
Which is probably why the statistics for affairs that turn to marriage and those that actually last are what they are. When the "fantasy" turns to reality the honeymoon is over.
Hope you're doing ok, try to avoid more R talks right now. Go to the gym and workout...try a kickboxing class!
He is back. He says he will end it with ow but doesn't know when or how.
I don't know if I can do this anymore. I feel numb right now. Is this normal? I just don't know how much fight I have in me right now. I know that when he does end it, he will grieve over the R ( I have read that somewhere). So, not only do I have to wait for him to end it, then I have to live through the grieving process. I am not sure I can keep doing this. This is so emotionally draining.
I can't figure out what is going on with me. This is what I wanted. Why am I questioning it? I told H maybe I should just move on. There was light at the end of that tunnel, but I really don't see any with him. This could go on for months and I don't know if I can. He said that is why he came back, he sees light here and not with ow.
Does anyone have any advice? Should I go to piecing our marriage back? I don't feel like that is what we are doing right now.
oK, looking in from the outside- guess what? YOU ARE PIECING. He came back. He says he wants to end it with her, but sounds like he is not doing it fast enough for you, and I can't blame you, I am sure you wanted it to be over the minute he walked back in the door. You have told him for a second time now that maybe you should have moved on. And he still contends that he wants to stay, and sees you two together at the end of the tunnel. Ask yourself, is this what you wanted, for him to come back? If it is, you BOTH have work to do. Would it make you feel better if you gave him a deadline? Ususally ultimatums an deadlines don't work for a R, but if its really gonna make you insane that he is doing this at a snails pace, then you are really setting a deadline for yourself, right? Do you feel like you want to tell H " I know you are trying to end this with OW, and I am so happy that you want to be with me, i still love youi too! I'm impatient cause I want our happy life to begin right away. I am having a hard time dealing with this, and some issues we can't resolve till I know she is out of your life. I am giving myself till xx/xx/xx to see if I can work through it , and if I can't I will need to decide if aI want to continue our relationship" Sounds pretty ultimatum-ish, huh? But the bottom line is do YOU wnat to stay. I know this come back of his was pretty quick ,and he may very well be seeing how long he can have his cake and eat it too. Would it help him if you went with him to tell her its over? Some people here have done that. But this really should come from him if he is at all serious about leaving her. I don't know your H , so I can't sya what would be pressuring to him. But i do sense that you want this over , you want it over NOW, and if you can't get it yesterday, you want out. So i feel this is really a decision about you at this point. What do YOU want to do.
That is the problem Sportster, I feel as confused as he is right now.
I have asked for a time frame as far as when he can end it and he won't give me one.
I really feel like he is going to end it. I don't think that it is a line or a play for more time. I think he knows I will leave and am ready to do that if necessary. (I think that scares him--he told my mom he can't stand the thought of me with another man).
So, you are right. At this point, it is up to me. I have to decide how long I can keep doing this. I think I will take it day be day and see what happens. Today has not been good. I feel numb and very down.
Sherry I think that you are at a promising part of your relationship. I think right now you should focus on the good things in the R. H is back so he does want to work things out. Give it a little more time to figure out how and then take it from there. Focus on YOU....think happy thoughts...it looks like good things are being accomplished!
).