Well...Here is a report on things. Last night was horrible. As I posted yesterday, things came to a head and I made H choose. He chose to leave. I was a mess, called H several times and texted him. Whack me good.
He claims he just slept on her couch and it seems as if he did a lot of thinking.
This morning I texted him once then told myself to stop. Took D4 to the doctor. H called while I was there and was surprised I was there ( I had texted him last night that she had a fever again). He said to call him when I knew something about her. Well... I went to the movies. When we got out, he had left a vm and texted twice. I called him and he was mad that I did not call him right after the doctor. Once he calmed down he told me he felt like he needed to come home. I asked why and again he said he didn't know it just felt like the thing to do. He then tells me he needs the van to take the dog to the vet. I said okay I will go leave it at the house for you and then leave. (He did not want to see my mother at this point). He then says, "Why don't you tell your mother to go home and you and the kids go to the vet with me (it is a 30 minute drive)??????????? I asked why. He didn't know. He then asked if I wanted him to come home. I said you know I do but there are still conditions concerning ow. He said he couldn't do it quickly. (For me that is a positive because it has always been I can't, period). I asked what he meant by that and he didn't know. So I said let me think about it and I will call you back.
I called back when we got home. More of the same type of convo as above. I said I was very confused and wasn't sure what to do, he said he was confused too. When I asked him about ending it and the steps he would take, he again said I dont know. I said, okay we will leave the van for you and be gone when you get here. He said "wait, don't do that." I repeated that I couldn't continue as things were. He couldn't have us both. I suggested us getting together later and talking more, but for now for him to go by himself since he is sure what he wants. He said okay.
Several hours later, after a few texts about his trip to the vet, he calls. He sounds a little different. He is ready to face my mom and wants to talk to her?????? I was get S9's haircut and he met us there. He looks at me for a long time and talks about how stupid this is. I tried to validate him and told him his feelings weren't stupid.
My mom took the kids home and I rode home with H (his suggestion). He did most of the talking. He is finally thinking about the realities of what his R with ow will be. He mentioned things he was concerned about. As hard as it was, I just sat and listened. He actually thanked me for listening.
Right now he is outside talking to my mom. My mom has been through this, my dad did it to her.
I am trying to not get my hopes up. I have apologized to H for my behavior last night and told him I will be okay no matter what. Yes it will be hard but I can make it. I don't want him to make his decision based on how I behaved.
Honestly, this is the last thing I expected today. I was in the process (and am still waiting for a friend to call back) of making plans for tomorrow so I wouldn't be home while he took the kids to his parent's house. I was making plans for the weekend so I wouldn't go crazy without the kids to distract me.
I am proud of myself, I think I did some good DBing today. Validated him alot, said I understand alot. Told him I would be okay no matter what. I did a lot of listening.
