Wow! I ask for some veteran opinions and the king and queen come to my rescue. You two rock! I am short on time so here goes.

Sage,

I had actually forgotten exactly how the "trust" quote was phrased. Thank you for that. The fact that you keep it in your wallet absolutely floored me. I live to help others and if that little phrase gets you through some bad days I couldn't be happier. I have done the "don't ask, get told more" routine myself. It works for sure. I have been more demanding lately only because of her recent profession of love and not being able to live without me anymore. If that is real I want some proof that our M will improve if she comes back. Trust is our biggest issue so show me you're trustworthy. No passwords, no mystery cell calls, no shutting down the computer when I show up, etc. Maybe it is all innocent as she claims but it sure doesn't look good. Bottom line, quit "looking" so damn guilty all the time and I won't think you are. Privacy is typically nly needed when there is something to hide. That sure seems reasonable to me. See, I met two great women(again, not EA's, just LF's) while we were seperated. Top shelf all the way. My standards were raised by getting to know them. They showed me that quality people really do exist. We also have a lot of mutual aquaintances and they told me the group we associate with can't understand why a I put up with my W. That was hard to hear. Believe when I say that comment hurt me more for my W's sake than boosted me up. It did get me thinking though. I am honest as the day is long so I feel I earned the same in return. Maybe I am being overly presumptuous. The other key fact is that just prior to her wanting to reconcile I had written her off and was very ready to move on. I called my A to file on her but the A was on vacation. Can you say "things happen for a reason"? I only gave in to the reconciliation because she promised ot follow some boundries. Family church attendence, continued counseling, family projects, family fun nights, consistent "open" communication, scheduled talk time, etc. In my book, if you're in then you need to be fully committed or get out. Can you tell my father was in the military?

Exec summary is this: Thanks for the truth quote, I promise to put that back in my daily routine. It was proven once again that spouses are like cats, don't move the ball of string and they don't care but make them think it's being taken away and they pounce! My W needs to respect and appreciate me because there are women out there that will. I raised my standards of what a M should be and won't back down.

JJ,

Your comment of "when in doubt, do nothing" has saved my tail lately. I am a very proactive person but that was killing me in my M. As soon as I quit chasing, things changed. What I found was I genuinely didn't care if she ever came back. I would be fine. My confidence was way up and will never come down again. The idea that I am a quality and desireable person was very much affirmed while my W was gone. That is a huge reason why she is back. It is sad that it took me making new LF's to finally feel good about myself again. I almost feel guilty that they gave me something my W took away. They have been thanked several times for that. I haven't changed who I am but I sure feel better. You are right JJ, when my confidence came back I almost got knocked down she came back so fast. I think my W feels threatened by my LF. That came out last night. If she won't be honest with me, she should feel threatened. Are you all ready for this little tidbit? My W moved into the apt my LF moved out of when she ended her S. Whoa!!!

I am focusing intensely on making the M work right now. I wanted one more chance with both sides giving their all before we threw away a 15 yr R and we got it. It is possible for the M to get good again if we both work at it. My LF are great and supportive people and wish me much success with the reconciliation. As I have supported their R. The truth is that I will not be taken advantage of or mistreated again. I simply won't be lied to or cheated on again either. FYI, I have never cheated, hit, or abadoned my W, ever. If my W can love me like I love her then we will live happily ever after. If she can not, I will find a woman who will. That belief alone should have a very positive impact on our M. Only time will tell.

The answer to my problem is........

If you trust too much, you could be deceived.
If you trust too little, you will be tormented.

Wow, was that easy!!! Now we'll have to see if I can quit tormenting myself.